You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

Question of the Week

James, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Subj: What’s left is right
Hey Ryan, there’s something I’ve always wondered about: why do baseball announcers refer to left-handed pitchers as “Southpaws”?

The term dates back to the late 1840’s when baseball architects discovered they could keep the setting sun out of batter’s eyes by building parks with home plate facing west, the outfield facing east, third base facing north and first base facing south. Naturally, this strategic configuration meant that left-handed pitchers would have their throwing arms facing south. Observant sportswriters picked up on the phenomenon and use of the newly minted word “southpaw” quickly spread from baseball to other popular sports like boxing.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

Question of the Week

John, Brooklyn, NY
Subj: Say it ain’t so Joe
Is it true that Joe Montana began his football career under false pretenses?

That’s correct John. By the time he was eight-years-old Montana was chomping at the bit to play organized football. There was just one problem: his town’s local peewee league didn’t allow players to suit up until they were nine, so his father lied on his registration form and enrolled his son a year earlier. Despite being younger – and smaller – than most of his teammates, Montana was named the team’s quarterback and he quickly impressed onlookers with his confidence and accuracy. His first coach, Carl Crawley, recalls watching Montana blossom into a first rate signal caller. "We ran a pro offense," Crawley says. "Joe would roll out. If the cornerback came off, he'd dump it off; if he stayed back, he'd keep going and pick up five or six yards. He was an amazingly accurate passer for a kid."

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig plans to step down as commissioner of Major League Baseball in 2012. Asked where he sees himself in four years, the commissioner replied; “Anywhere but watching the Kansas City Royals.”

Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has been hospitalized due to recurring symptoms from groin surgery. Doctors are worried he may only live for another 175 years.

New Jersey is now 0-17 after losing to Denver. The Nets are so bad they’ve replaced their official logo with a white flag.

Patrick Ewing has said that he would love to coach the New Jersey Nets. Ewing also went onto say that he would love to have a spinal tap and undergo a root canal.

Brady Quinn is reportedly dating US gymnast Alicia Sacramone. They’re perfectly matched since neither one of them has won anything since 2008.

The NBA has banned a former scout from the Sacramento Kings from betting on his team. You’d think losing 65 bets a year would have been punishment enough.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are off to their worst start in franchise history. Now might be a good time to find out if Brett Favre can also play basketball.

Several NFL players have been asked to pose nude for a PETA ad with the tag line, "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur." Perhaps they’d have more luck if they changed the slogan to “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear A Browns Jersey.”

Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy has won his 600th game. And all it took was 600 years.

Australia has banned Steeplechase following the deaths of 20 horses over the past two years. The decision is considered bad news for sports enthusiasts and even worse news for Australia’s glue industry.

The Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has banned golfers from using the running swing popularized in Happy Gilmore. Sadly, the court can’t do a thing to prevent Adam Sandler from making more movies.

Question of the Week

Charles, Birmingham, AL
Subj; Two timers
How many athletes been enshrined in both the Pro Baseball AND the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

Just one. That honor belongs to Cal Hubbard, a gifted tackle who won three championships with the Green Bay Packers during the 1930’s. Big Cal’s remarkable combination of speed and power made him one of the game’s earliest stars and the NFL honored his outstanding contributions by selecting him as a member of their prestigious 1920’s All-Decade Team. Hubbard’s brilliance was further recognized in 1963 when he was among the initial class of inductees to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Mind you, just because he was one of the league’s marquee players doesn’t mean he was well compensated for his efforts. Hubbard’s starting salary of $150 a game required him to find a second job and he supplemented his income by becoming a baseball umpire, at first in the minor leagues and later in the Big Show. The job proved to be a perfect fit and Hubbard became so proficient at calling balls and strikes that he was selected to officiate four World Series and two All-Star Games before becoming the American League’s supervisor of umpires. "Being an umpire wasn't such a tough job,” he commented years after retiring. “You really have to understand only two things and that's maintaining discipline and knowing the rule book." Hubbard’s exemplary service to the game was recognized in 1976 when he became just the fifth umpire to be enshrined in Cooperstown.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The undermanned New Jersey Nets had to use a chair in place of a player during a recent practice. Sadly, the chair scored 25 points.

A group of scientists have ruled that disabled sprinter Oscar Pistorius has an unfair advantage over his fellow runners. Not in competition, but in finding a decent parking spot.

Mike Holmgren says he has interest in joining the 1-8 Browns. That’s good news: they could use him on defense.

The New Jersey Nets have no intention of firing head coach Lawrence Frank. No matter how much he begs.

Reggie Bush has missed practice for the third straight day. In his defense, it’s taken him that long just to walk around Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Mike D'Antoni recently referred to the Knicks as being "dead in the water." In related news, New Yorkers has been advised to boil their water for the next two weeks.

Devin Hester had his pants pulled down while trying to make a catch. The Bears haven’t been that exposed since their loss to the 49ers.

Northeastern University has decided to drop its football program. Sadly, the Cleveland Browns have decided to keep theirs.

Retired NBA star Jayson Williams has agreed to a plea deal that would send him to prison for three years. Luckily for Williams his seven seasons with the Nets have prepared him well for serving hard time.

Major League Soccer is on the verge of creating a 20th franchise. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one team for every fan.

Rex Ryan says he isn’t ashamed that he recently cried in front of his players. Well sure, once you get past the shame of coaching the Jets you can pretty much accept anything.