You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Vanilla Ice recently performed at halftime of a Nets-Raptors game. Haven’t those poor fans already suffered enough?

Tom Watson believes Tiger Woods needs to show some humility when he returns to golf. Watson noted it would also help if Woods doesn’t try to bone every woman in sight.

A game between the Atlanta Hawks and Washington Wizards was postponed because of a massive blizzard. Apparently God really is merciful.

Danica Patrick was repeatedly bumped from the front, side and back at her first stockcar event. And that was before she even made it onto the track.

Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith were both reduced to tears at their Hall of Fame induction ceremony. You’d cry too if you were in a club that included Michael Irvin.

Several of Tyreke Evans’ teammates believe he hogs the ball. The news has come as a shock to Evans who didn’t realize he HAD teammates.

Donald Sterling has allegedly reached out to Isiah Thomas to run the Clippers… into the ground.

Chris Paul will be on crutches for three weeks following knee surgery. Sadly, he’ll still be more mobile than Emeka Okafor.

The demolition of Giants Stadium is now underway. The event has attracted little attention since New York sports fans are accustomed to huge collapses.

The British Olympic Ski and Snowboard Federation has gone bankrupt. That’s what happens when you have to travel 10,000 miles just to find snow.

Pau Gasol is reportedly frustrated by his lack of touches. We’re not sure whether that’s an issue for Lakers management or for his wife

Brandon Roy, Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Garnett, Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant could all miss the NBA All-Star Game. Things are so bleak that the commissioner now has Pops Mensah-Bonsu on speed dial.

Question of the Week

Brad, Bettendorf, IA
Subj: The Kutch
Is it true that Ashton Kutcher used to be a pretty decent athlete?

That’s correct, Brad. Long before he began swapping spit with Demi Moore, Kutcher was a middle linebacker and tight end at Clear Creek-Amana High School in Tiffin, Iowa, where he helped the Clippers win two games over a three-year span. The Punk’d star still follows the game closely and is a self professed super fan of the Chicago Bears. “I consider myself the 12th man, he says. “I'm a member of the team. I actually feel I should be on salary.” Kutcher insists his interest in Da Bears isn’t a passing fancy. “For 22 years I have bled blue and orange,” he says. “Through the Harbaugh, Tomczak, Krenzel, Salaam, Enis pain.” If that’s anything like the pain of sitting through The Butterfly Effect, it must be intense.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly has announced that he’s decided to stop drinking beer. In related news, Anheuser-Busch plans to lay off 10,000 employees later today.

Kenny Lofton has been named to the Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame. Or, as we like to call it, the loneliest place on Earth.

The Pittsburgh Pirates plan to put a statue of Bill Mazeroski outside PNC Park. It will go right next to the statue of Ian Snell, the last Pirates pitcher to post an ERA below 6.00.

Michael Phelps was spotted giving an attractive woman a shoulder rub at a poker tournament. It’s nice to hear someone is picking up Tiger Woods’ slack.

Several teams are reportedly interested in J.J. Redick. Unfortunately for him they all play in the ACC.

Mike D'Antoni has revealed that the Knicks are looking to make a major trade. And if D’Antoni has his way, he’ll be the first one to go.

Dr. J has put his Utah mansion on the market for $2.25 million. The 6,572-square foot villa has five bedrooms, five bathrooms and doorframes high enough to accommodate even the largest of afros.

Randy Winn has signed a $2 million deal with the Yankees. It might just be the cheapest win New York gets all year long.

Prince Fielder says he hopes to spend the rest of his career in Milwaukee. After all, it’s the only city in the U.S. where he’s actually considered svelte.

Rex Ryan has apologized for making an obscene gesture at a mixed martial arts fight. God knows, you wouldn’t want to debase a classy event like that.

Question of the Week

Carlos, San Juan, PR
Subj: Salon de La Fama
Why is the International Basketball Hall of Fame in Alcobendas, Spain, and not in America, the birthplace of the sport?

America does in fact have its own hoops shrine known as the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame. Located in downtown Springfield, Massachusetts, this highly interactive museum has been honoring the sport’s greatest players, coaches, referees and other major contributors since 1968. However, although the Hall has inducted several international members over the years it does have a remarkably American bias. That’s why Spanish basketball coach Pedro Ferrándiz González undertook an ambitious campaign in 1990 to establish a FIBA Hall of Fame in his native country. Opened in 1991, the Hall was created with the lofty intention of preserving the heritage of international basketball. Recent inductees include Serbian center Vlade Divac, Lithuanian guard Sarunas Marciulionis, German forward Detlef Schrempf and American legends Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson. To find out more visit: www.halloffame.fiba.com

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods is reportedly making great strides at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi. In fact, doctors already have reduced him to just nine holes a day.

The Saints beat the Vikings 31-28 in overtime. The game had almost as many twists and turns as a Brett Favre retirement announcement.

NASCAR is relaxing its rules to allow drivers to initiate more contact and reach higher speeds. In other words, they’ll now be allowed to drive just like Lindsay Lohan.

Mets are interested in Chien-Ming Wang. The veteran hurler has everything they look for in a pitcher: superb velocity, excellent command and an uncanny knack for getting injured every three days.

Clay Bennett has agreed to pay former SuperSonics season-ticket holders $1.6 million for removing the team from Seattle. In related news, Bruce Ratner has agreed to pay Nets season-ticket holders $17 million for KEEPING the team in New Jersey.

Glen Davis has been fined $25,000 for swearing at a fan who called him fat. Sadly, Davis was going to use that money to buy breakfast.

Allen Iverson has been named a starter in the NBA All-Star game. It’s an impressive feat considering he’s barely a starter on his own team.

Ron Artest has plantar fasciitis. It could be worse: he could have to spell it.

Major League Baseball has agreed to move a three-game series between the Mets and Marlins to San Juan. Sadly, both teams will be allowed to return once the series is over.

A sports promoter in Georgia is starting a basketball league exclusively for white players. Adam Morrison is thrilled.

Question of the Week

Ray, Victorville, CA
Subj: The best of both worlds
Hey Ryan, my friend and I are having a debate. Do you think Bo Jackson could have made it into the Hall of Fame if he had concentrated solely on baseball and had stayed reasonably healthy?

That’s an intriguing question. Let’s examine Jackson’s production. Bo played for four full seasons before his hip injury, during which time he averaged 27 home runs, 76 RBIs, 20 stolen bases and 111 hits per year. If he continued at the same pace and played until he was 38 (an age at which many sluggers call it quits) he would have finished with career totals of 405 home runs, 1140 RBI, 300 stolen bases and 1665 hits. Putting those totals into proper perspective reveals that Bo would have been 43rd on the all-time homerun leader board, 162nd on the RBI leader board, 149th on the stolen base leader board and 423rd on the hits leader board. Bear in mind that Bo was also a big whiffer who averaged 151 strikeouts a year, so he also would have finished his career with 2,265 Ks. That stat is particularly relevant because it would represent the third highest total in major league history. In fact, the only players who struck out more are Reggie Jackson, who played for 21 seasons and Sammy Sosa, who likely won’t make it into Cooperstown because of his suspected steroid use. Given the fact that superior sluggers – and league MVP’s - like Dale Murphy aren’t enshrined makes it hard to imagine how voters would allow Jackson to slip in. Let’s face it: Bo may have “known” cycling, soccer, cricket, surfing, weightlifting and auto racing, but I highly doubt he would have known what it feels like to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Gilbert Arenas, Alex Ovechkin, The Mets, Matt Capps, Stephen Jackson, David Stern, Yao Ming, Matt Holliday, Tiger Woods and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.