Thursday, February 26, 2009

Question of the Week

John, Union, IA
Subj: That’s money, baby
Who has the distinction of signing the longest contract in NBA history?

That honors belongs to Magic Johnson who signed a 25 year, $25 million contract following the 1981 season. Although the salary was considered exorbitant at the time, it didn’t take long before lesser players were soon earning the same amount and Magic later restructured his deal to condense the final $21 million into seven years instead of 21.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Shea Stadium, Lance Armstrong, Charles Barkley, Jason Giambi, Craig Sager and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, February 23, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. Many of the players have been away from home for so long they can’t even remember what their illegitimate children look like.

Brewers slugger Ryan Bruan has launched his very own clothing line. In related news, Prince Fielder has launched his very own line of tarps.

Jason Giambi says he’s impressed with the candor of his former teammate Alex Rodriguez. We’re impressed that Giambi even knows what candor means.

A surgeon has admitted that Amar’e Stoudemire’s damaged eye may still need some more work. Luckily, it’s nothing compared to the work his defense still needs.

ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. For those of you keeping track, that’s one camera for every viewer at home.

Charlie Weis has announced he will once again handle Notre Dame’s offensive-coordinator duties. That makes sense since his play-calling has been incredibly offensive over the past three years.

Longtime Jazz owner Larry H. Miller has died at the age of 64. Given the fact he lives in Utah we’re guessing the cause of death was boredom.

Doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. It’s hard to say what concerns them more: the fact that his heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or the fact that he could get drafted by the Lions.

Alex Rodriguez has hired the same lawyer who represented Sammy Sosa before congress. It could be worse: he could have hired the same dialect coach.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Commissioner Bud Selig recently told reporters that he is not to blame for baseball’s raging steroid problem. It’s nice to know there’s still a buck to be passed in these financially strapped times.

Rumors continue to swirl that Jessica Simpson is expecting Tony Romo’s baby. Given her size, we wouldn’t be surprised if she was expecting his octuplets.

Alex Rodriguez has allegedly told his friends that he’s over Madonna… and under her… and behind her… and inside her…

Houston pitcher Mike Hampton has been sent home with an irregular heartbeat. The timing is unusual since the Astros’ hearts usually don’t give out on them until the playoffs.

David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. That’s easy for him to say since the only foreign substance coursing through his veins is gravy.

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has been charged with criminal mischief for beating up a towel dispenser at a gas station. Sadly, that’s the only recourse most kickers have when they’re told to pick on someone their own size.

The Washington Nationals have learned their top prospect lied about his age. The Nats first suspected the shortstop was older than he claimed after noticing how his dentures would fall to the ground whenever he threw to first.

Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Mariners after a nine year absence. Fortunately he didn’t miss much.

Major League Baseball reportedly wants more from Alex Rodriguez than he gave the media. Now they know exactly how Yankee fans feel every October.

Charles Barkley has apologized for his DUI a day before returning to TNT. The one minute apology was supposed to be much longer but Barkley was already running late for a booty call.

Police officers in Southern California have recovered Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike. Armstrong is elated since he can now resume his paper route.

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot has suffered a torn ACL in his right knee. The team plans to do the honorable thing by putting him out of his misery. Sadly, Bucks fans will have to wait until the end of the season to be put out of theirs.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Michael Phelps, Joba Chamberlain, Kurt Warner, Mike Tyson, Roberto Alomar, Daryl Strawberry, NASCAR, and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, February 16, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The West throttled the East 146-119 at the NBA’s All-Star Game. Thankfully the only one harmed was the clown Craig Sager killed for his outfit.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. Suddenly peace in the Middle East doesn’t seem so far off.

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. You know your popularity is plummeting when not even bureaucrats want to spend time with you.

In related news, the University of Miami is going ahead with plans to name their new baseball complex Alex Rodriguez Stadium. Apparently Arrogant Roid Monkey Field wouldn’t fit on the signage.

Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg doesn’t appear to be taking the letter seriously since it was written with Alphaghetti.

Elgin Baylor is suing the Los Angeles Clippers for employment discrimination. Let’s hope for their sake they’re a little better in a court than they are on one.

A man has been sentenced to jail after impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected the man was a fraud after noticing he consumed only 10,000 calories per meal.

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. The venerable old building hasn’t seen a display that offensive since the Knick’s last home game.

Mike Tyson plans to publish a tell-all memoir. It promises to be the first book ever written entirely in monosyllables.

Former pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd is interested in returning to the Major Leagues. It’s an ambitious plan for a man who’s so old he took his driver’s test on a dinosaur.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Wow, and we thought admitting to steroids was pathetic.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Question of the Week

Zach, Erie, PA
Subj: The long and short of it
Who is the shortest player in NFL history?

That distinction belongs to Jack “Soapy” Shapiro, a 5’0½” fullback who played one game with the Staten Island Stapletons in 1929. Prior to suiting up in the pros, Shapiro was a key player on the 1927 New York University football team, leading the Violets to a respectable 7-1-2 record and helping the team to outscore their opponents by an eye-popping margin of 345-65. Although Shapiro’s tenure in the NFL was limited, one little guy who did flourish was Buddy Young, a 5’4” runningback who averaged 3.8 yards a carry during an outstanding six year career. A former world record holder in the 60 yard dash, “The Bronze Bullet,” was so impressive in 1954 that he was even named to his first – and only – Pro Bowl. "He was like a toy football player," recalls former teammate Gino Marchetti. "But he could do it all. The most amazing thing about Buddy is he had no hip pads at that time, no thigh pads and played with a pair of shoulder pads you wouldn't let your son wear, and like so many players in that era, Young refused to wear a face mask." Young went onto become the Director of Player Relations for the NFL before dying in a tragic car crash in 1983.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Kurt Warner, Tony Romo, Joe Torre, Roger Clemens, Adam Morrison and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, February 9, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Kellogg has announced it will not renew its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Fortunately he should have no problem picking up another cereal brand like Cannabis Crunch or Honey Bunches of Hemp.

Tony Romo plans to spend the week on tour with his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. It’s unclear whether he’ll be there to support her or to keep her away from the buffets.

The participants in the NBA’s first officially sanctioned H-O-R-S-E competition will now have to spell out another five letter word: G-E-I-C-O. It could be worse: at least the event isn’t being sponsored by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance.

The New York Mets are claiming they won’t be hurt in any way by Bernard Madoff's web of deceit. Unfortunately the team can’t say the same thing about their new bullpen.

Larry Fitzgerald led the NFC to a 30-21 victory at the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. The annual event is the only game of the season where even the kickers are guaranteed to get leied.

Alex Rodriguez allegedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. We’re not sure what’s more shocking: the fact that A-Rod was juiced or that Jose Canseco was actually right.

Animal Planet is producing a new 12-part series that will take viewers into the lives of jockeys. The program is expected to appeal equally to those who love Black Beauty and those who adore Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The Lakers have landed Adam Morrison in a three-player deal with the Bobcats. Despite his porn star stache it’s believed to be the first three-way he’s ever been involved in.

Kelly Clark of the United States is the latest winner of the World Cup halfpipe event. It’s nice to hear of an American athlete doing something positive with a pipe for a change.

56-year-old athlete Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to swim across the Atlantic. Some people will do anything to save on airfare.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Paris Hilton was recently spotted making out with Barry Zito at a Hollywood hotspot. For those of you keeping track at home, Hilton has now worked her way through the entire alphabet.

The New York Knicks are reportedly trying to find a new home for Eddy Curry. We hope for his sake that it has reinforced floorboards.

Lakers center Andrew Bynum will be out for 8-12 weeks with a knee injury. Kobe Bryant is delighted to have one less teammate to pass to.

Shaun White has agreed to snowboard on a nine-story ramp in New York City. Apparently Michael Phelps isn’t the only former Olympian looking for new highs.

A new report shows that Baseball commissioner Bud Selig made more than all but three of his sport's players in 2007. Not bad for a guy whose fastball can be measured by an egg timer.

President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to have just sent them to their rooms without dinner?

The NBA has added a HORSE contest to its All-Star weekend. That seems fitting given that many of its players are already hung like one.

Aging Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski reportedly thinks that his 18-year-old grandson has a shot at the Big Leagues. Then again, Yastrzemski also thinks that it’s 1983.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has asked for a face-to-face meeting with Michael Phelps. Let’s hope for their sake he doesn’t puff-puff-pass on their request.

A new study has found that the IQ of the average NASCAR fan is 137. It’s unclear whether that’s before or after they’ve consumed twice their weight in moonshine and chilidogs.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at the Super Bowl, Jose Canseco, Mickey Rourke, NASCAR, Michael Phelps and much, much more. Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, February 2, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Cardinals are feeling plenty of heat after coughing up a lead with 35 seconds to go in Super Bowl XLIII. But as they say in Arizona, it’s a dry heat.

Gatorade has officially re-branded itself as “G.” Sadly, their splashy Super Bowl commercials were the only G-Spots most men will ever see.

Kurt Warner was handed the NFL Man of the Year trophy just before kickoff. Of course, as every one knows, real men win rings, not trophies.

A Japanese sumo wrestler has been arrested and accused of marijuana possession. Police were unable to definitively confirm whether he was carrying pot since they only had seven hours to examine his various folds of fat.

David Wells has fired back at Joe Torre, claiming the manager unfairly criticized his ex-players in his new book, The Yankee Years. The news has come as a surprise to many observers who didn’t realize that David Wells could actually read.

Michael Irvin is producing a new reality TV show in which he'll give one guy off the street a spot on the Dallas Cowboys. Wait a second, didn’t they do that last year with Pacman Jones?

Terrell Owens has agreed to star in a VH-1 reality show loosely based on the network’s previous hit, “Scott Baio Is 45 & Single.” The new show has been tentatively titled, “Terrell Owens is 35 and Unbearable.”

Former Heavyweight Champion Ingemar Johansson has passed away at the age of 76. His death is particularly saddening for Evander Holyfield, who was hoping to fight him sometime next month.

Michael Vick could be transferred to a halfway house in Virginia any day now. It should be a nice change of pace from the doghouse he’s been in for the last year and a half.

Golden State rookie Anthony Randolph has fired his agent B.J. Armstrong. It’s believed to be the first time in modern history that a professional athlete has knowingly turned down a B.J.

Josh Howard has said that he would like to stay in Dallas. His dealer couldn’t be happier.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of curvaceous Formula Two driver Natacha Gachnang is now online. Learn more about this sexy Swiss speed demon by clicking here.