You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Major League Baseball has fined Jonathan Papelbon $5,000 for his slow play. It’s the second time the Red Sox have been penalized this season after one of Tim Wakefield’s fastballs was fined $10,000 for taking three days to reach home plate.

Dennis Rodman recently attended the wedding of Ricky Williams. And here’s the really embarrassing part: he was wearing the same dress as the bride.

Bruce Bowen has announced he’s retiring from the NBA. Fortunately for him, anyone that dirty should have no problem transitioning into politics.

Michael Vick amassed just 61 total yards in three quarters of action against the Jets. In his defense, it’s not easy running away from linebackers when you have an electronic bracelet on your ankle.

Many pundits are predicting that Michael Vick could soon replace Donovan McNabb, despite the fact Vick is two inches shorter and 25 pounds lighter than the Eagles starting QB. As they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Curt Schilling has said he’s interested in the vacant Massachusetts senate seat once held by Edward M. Kennedy. Well sure, the empties under the seat are probably worth a small fortune.

Detroit Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell has been diagnosed with cancer. And here’s the real surprise; it wasn’t caused by watching the Tigers.

Veteran coach Lou Holtz has predicted Notre Dame will play in the BCS title game. Then again, Lou Holtz also predicted the South would win the Civil War.

The Nevada Supreme Court has denied O.J. Simpson's request to be let out of prison. What a shame. At the rate he’s going he’ll never be able to find his wife’s real killer.

Matthew Stafford has won the Lions' starting quarterback job. Sadly, it might be the only win he picks up all season.

The Rangers received some good news and bad news this week. The good news is slugger Josh Hamilton has received a second shot for the pinched nerve in his back. The bad news is it came from a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Nationals top draft pick Stephen Strasburg has vowed to avoid drinking Cristal, hanging out at clubs and hooking up with random women. It kind of makes you wonder why he became a professional athlete in the first place.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

A sickening video of Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez at a gruesome cockfight was posted on YouTube. The video could have been even worse had Martinez been able to open his zipper in time to join the fight.

Pat Knight lost his very first game as head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. It’s refreshing to see a Knight choke for a change.

Mike Tyson and Junior Seau were spotted at a trendy Las Vegas restaurant recently. Seau had the filet mignon while Tyson dined on Lennox Lewis’s children.

Curt Schilling has an undisclosed injury to his right shoulder that could cost him his season. It’s nice to hear that Roger Clemens’ voodoo doll is working after all.

Hall of Fame hurler Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the team president of the Texas Rangers. You know your club is in trouble when your best pitcher is a 61-year-old guy working in your front office.

A would-be bar owner angry at being denied a liquor license threatened to shoot people at this year’s Super Bowl. Luckily, much like the Patriot’s defense, he decided not to show up.

The New York Yankees have learned that their new stadium will cost $1.3 billion. That seems like a lot of money for a place that won’t even be used in October.

Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik is in stable condition after he was cut by a teammate's skate during a game. On the positive side, it’s the first time the NHL has made headlines in nearly a year.

The Steelers have decided to keep the natural grass surface at Heinz Field. The decision was mad in order to give the team’s offensive line something to graze on.