You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

108,000 fans attended the NBA All-Star Game in Dallas. It’s the largest crowd ever to be bored by a professional basketball game.

The Nets have placed Mike Krzyzewski on their wish list. Right next to a fifth win.

David Stern expects the Charlotte Bobcats to be sold in the next 60 days. In related news, a fool and his money will soon be parted.

Tyrus Thomas could be headed to Minnesota. In related news, Tyrus Thomas’s agent could be on the verge of getting fired.

The Cincinnati Bengals are interested in signing Matt Jones and Pacman Jones. It’s unclear whether they’re trying to improve their team or form a gang.

Allen Iverson has hinted he could be retiring soon. Three years after he should have.

Frank Thomas has announced he’s “done” with baseball. That’s hardly surprising since baseball has been done with him for nearly a decade.

Floyd Mayweather believes he could have played in the NBA. It’s amazing what a guy will say after getting hit in the head a few thousand times.

B.J. Upton has lost his arbitration hearing with the Rays. It’s the biggest win Tampa Bay has had since 2008.

Larry Bird says the Pacers’ rebuilding plan is right on target… for 2050.

The St. Louis Rams have officially been sold to an Illinois businessman named Shahid Khan. The team will henceforth be known the St. Louis Tax Write-offs.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Jalen Rose is honoring his Fab Five basketball teammates at Michigan with a billboard near where he grew up. Fittingly, the billboard is just as two-dimensional as he is.

Sunday’s Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam camera began falling toward the field. Sports fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since the Mets.

NBA commissioner David Stern insists he hasn't ruled out punishing the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual-harassment suit. Isn’t letting Isiah Thomas keep his job punishment enough?

Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. Finally, an NBA player who can actually shoot straight.

USC quarterback John David Booty said he hopes to play this weekend against rival Notre Dame. No surprise there. Even Charlie Weis would like to play against Notre Dame right now if he could.

Kobe Bryant sat out practice for the second straight day because of a sore right knee. Surprisingly his right foot appears to be fine despite the fact that it’s spent most of the preseason lodged firmly in his mouth.

Lions receiver Roy Williams spent the day delivering pizzas as part of a special promotion for Pizza Hut. The nationwide chain originally tried using Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna but all of his pizzas kept on getting intercepted.