Not Your Average Joe

Joe Paterno may be gone, but he won’t be forgotten. The legendary Penn State coach leaves behind a treasure trove of quotes that are sure to inspire future generations of athletes. Here are five of my favorites:

“Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.”

“Losing a game is heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy.”

“The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.”

“Publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it.”

“It’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.”

Weighing in on Prince Fielder

Congratulations to Prince Fielder. The larger-than-life first baseman has become one of the wealthiest players in Major League history after signing a nine-year, $214 million deal. That may sound like a lot of money until you realize that Fielder spends $20 million a day on breakfast alone.

I don’t want to insinuate that Fielder is overweight, but the last time he saw 90210 was when he looked down on his bathroom scale.

Kudos to the Tigers. Not every team is willing to invest in a player whose cholesterol count is 500 points higher than his batting average. However, you do have to question the wisdom of signing a slugger whose strike zone is roughly the size of Wyoming.

Hopefully it will all work out. But if it doesn’t, at least the Tigers will be able to use Fielder’s jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Elsewhere in sports, I was sorry to hear about the passing of Joe Paterno. It’s sad news for Penn State and even sadder news for LensCrafters. Apparently JoePa was just two days away from buying his first new pair of glasses in 73 years.

You’ve been a lovely crowd. Good night!

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Twins have only made one error all year. Two if you count building an outdoor stadium in Minnesota.

The NBA is projecting a higher salary cap than expected. That’s especially good news for Gilbert Arenas, who could use all the bail money he can get his hands on.

The Cubs have sent Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen. Mainly because they can’t send him to the gallows.

Pitcher Stephen Strasburg has been promoted to AAA Syracuse. No word yet on when he’ll be demoted to the Nationals.

USA Swimming has unveiled a multi-step plan to eliminate rampant sexual misconduct within its ranks. Step #1: Stop inviting Ben Roethlisberger to its meets.

Pirates’ pitcher Chris Jakubauskas was recently hit in the head with a line drive. Great, now he’ll never be able to spell his last name.

The NCAA plans to expand March Madness from 65 to 68 teams. That’s great news is you’re a basketball fan and horrible news if your retirement strategy hinges on picking a perfect bracket.

Subway has created a life-size bust of Ndamukong Suh made out of 1,000 slices of pepperoni. We haven’t seen a draft bust that big since Ryan Leaf.

The 2010 NFL Draft is finally over. The three day process lasted longer than the careers of many of the players selected.

ESPN's three-day telecast of the NFL Draft attracted 3.7 million viewers. That sounds impressive until you realize that a video of a cat playing a keyboard has attracted 12 million viewers on YouTube.

Joe Paterno says he has a "gut feeling" that the Pac-10 will expand before the Big Ten. Then again he also had a gut feeling that the British would win the Revolutionary War.

A new study has found that it takes Prince Fielder 21 seconds to round the bases after hitting a homerun. That’s probably because he always stops at second base to have a snack.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Michael Phelps was recently spotted at a Baltimore Orioles game. It’s the clearest indication yet that he’s back on drugs.

Veteran coach Joe Paterno would like to see the Big Ten expand. That’s hardly surprising since he was also a big proponent for the U.S. adding a 14th state.

Roger Goodell and Ben Roethlisberger recently met for several hours in New York. Something tells us it probably wasn’t at a Hooters.

Fred Lewis scooped the media by announcing he had been traded via Facebook. The 30-year-old outfielder went onto state that he liked bananas and that he would be removing “Glass Tiger” from his list of favorite bands.

Health Subcommittee chairman Frank Pallone believes smokeless tobacco has no place in Major League Baseball. Then again, neither do the Nationals and they’re still allowed to play.

Edmonton has won the NHL draft lottery. The Oilers have narrowed down their choices between someone you’ve never heard of and someone whose name you’ll never be able to pronounce.

Creed singer Scott Stapp has recorded a song for the Florida Marlins. Haven’t their fans already suffered enough?

A high school in Texas is getting a new $60 million football stadium. It’s the most money spent on an amateur team since the NFL approved the sale of the Rams.

Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz, claiming the Red Sox star named his new nightclub after the mogul's chain of 40/40 clubs. The difference is that Jay-Z’s name refers to homeruns and steals while Ortiz’s name refers to the size of his breasts and hips.

Congress wants Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Fans simply want Major League Baseball to ban the Orioles.

Bobby Valentines believes the Mets managerial job is not in his future. Given how he screwed it up the first time he probably wishes it wasn’t in his past either.