Monday, July 9, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former NHL All-Star Jeremy Roenick announced his retirement recently through a text message. The news came as shock to many observers who didn’t realize Roenick could actually write.

The health of New York owner George Steinbrenner is believed to be declining rapidly. Then again, you’d probably feel ill too if you had to watch the Yankees every day.

Amare Stoudemire's half brother has been identified in connection with the shooting death of a 27-year-old man in Scottsdale. It’s nice to see that high percentage shooting runs in the family.

Washington Nationals Pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. I guess that’s what happens when you have your butt kicked all season.

Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak in person after making disparaging comments about the team. It was believed to be an excellent face-to-two-faced meeting.

Grant Hill has signed a two year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in physiotherapy expenses.

Olympic leaders have voted to create a Youth Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. The program was approved unanimously by pedophiles around the world.

Major League baseball has confirmed that at least one armed FBI agent will attend each one of Barry Bonds’ games until he breaks Hank Aaron’s homerun record. It’s believed to be the best protection Bonds has had in the order since the Giants got rid of Jeff Kent.

NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It’s nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience.