Monday, October 1, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Kick up your heels as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

The Washington Post has reported that the cost of installing a new artificial turf field is now as low as $1 million. Don’t tell that to Michael Vick. Everyone knows he prefers grass.

Operators of Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati want permission from the city to kill pigeons that have been pooping on ticket buyers. The news comes as a surprise to many league insiders who didn’t anticipate the shit would hit the fan until much later in the season.

The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times in a 16-3 victory. In fact, McNabb spent so much time on his back with his legs in the air that many spectators mistook him for Paris Hilton.

Barry Bonds made what many expect will be his last home appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Although he’s likely to leave the Bay Area after this season, fans can rest assured that they’ll still be able to spot his gargantuan melon no matter what part of the country he ends up in.

Baseball has set a new attendance record for the fourth straight season. No word yet on whether the totals will be accompanied with an asterisk.

1,010 models got together at Bondi Beach in Australia recently to pose for the world's biggest swimsuit shoot. It’s believed to be the largest collection of boobs since the last time the Atlanta Falcons took to the field.

Portland Trail Blazers star Brandon Roy has re-injured the bottom portion of his left foot. Team officials are unconcerned, however, since they’re used to dealing with heels.

Ethiopian runner Haile Gebrselassie set a new world record at the Berlin Marathon by finishing the race in 2 hours, 4 minutes and 26 seconds. It’s incredible how fast an Ethiopian will run when you tell him there’s food at the finish line.

Pittsburgh shortstop Jack Wilson has been released from a hospital after being observed overnight for a concussion. Wilson’s condition was so severe that he actually thought the Pirates had a shot at the playoffs.

Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of buttery, goopy grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship at Louisiana Downs. Bertoletti is expected to use the money as a down payment for his first of many triple bypass surgeries.