Monday, May 19, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets clobbered the Yankees by a score of 11-2 in the final game of their Subway Series. The last time a Wang was hammered that badly was in a porno.

An NYU grad was tackled by a security guard yesterday after trying to steal home at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, it’s the best defense fans have seen in the Bronx all season long.

President Bush revealed this week that he has given up golf. Apparently having one handicap was enough for him.

Tony Romo has ended his relationship with Jessica Simpson. Cowboys fans will now have to come up with other excuses when their team inevitably self destructs in the playoffs.

Lance Armstrong is currently dating Kate Hudson. The seven-time Tour de France winner traded up for the bubbly blonde after accidentally snapping Ashley Olsen in half.

The owner of the Golden Nugget has sold his shares in the Houston Texans. You know you team is in for a rough year when not even a casino owner will take a gamble on them.

Former Patriots employee Matt Walsh met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for nearly three and a half hours on the Spygate scandal. Walsh’s tapes of the meeting should be available shortly.

Seattle Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. The Pro Bowler’s blood-alcohol level of .158 was so high that authorities first mistook it for the Seattle SuperSonics’s winning percentage.

Danny Ainge has been named the NBA’s Executive of the Year. The Celtics GM is still uncertain whether he will keep the award or trade it to Kevin McHale.

Charles Barkley has promised to repay a $400,000 gambling debt to a Las Vegas casino. The former NBA star originally tried running away from his problems before becoming seriously winded.

Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding has just released her first book entitled The Tonya Tapes. Not only is the 300 page tome an entertaining read, but the hardcover version is also excellent for bludgeoning your opponents in the knee.