Monday, January 19, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The black and white design will feature an enormous dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. It’s certainly a more feasible plan than his previous idea of giving polio to the league’s other 29 teams.

The Detroit Lions have signed head coach Jim Schwartz to a four year deal, or 64 losses, whichever come first.

The Boston Red Sox have extended the contract of Kevin Youkilis until 2012. It’s hoped that by then scientists will finally be able to identify which species he belongs to.

Quarterback Mark Sanchez will skip his senior season and enter the NFL draft. Luckily USC should bounce right back as Matt Leinart has expressed interest in returning to college and taking his place.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Andruw Jones. The team intends to still pay tribute to the rotund slugger by using his jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Kobe Bryant has signed a lucrative deal to blog for a Chinese website. It should be delightful to read the views of a man whose knowledge of Chinese culture begins and ends with Sweet and Sour Pork.

Free agent pitcher Paul Byrd has decided to sit out the first half of the 2009 season. Byrd made the decision because he wants to spend time with his family… just not that much time.

18-year-old golfer Tadd Fujikawa fired a 8-under 62 at the Sony Open. We’re not sure what’s sadder: the fact that PGA golfers are being beaten by a kid who can’t even legally drink or that a teenager is wasting the best years of his life playing golf.

Alonzo Mourning has said he may return to the Miami Heat if he can get his body back in shape. If not, he’ll do what every overweight big man does and sign with the Knicks.

The Arizona Cardinals are headed to Super Bowl XLIII, or as many insiders are calling it, Apocalypse I.

Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has said the sale of the team should happen any day now. Then again, Cubs fans have also been saying the same thing about a World Series title for the last 101 years.

Washed-up outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. is reportedly drawing interest from four different teams. Unfortunately for Griffey, three of them play in a beer league.