Monday, June 8, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chris Bosh has refused to sign an extension with Toronto. It’s hard to say what’s more devastating: the fact that the Raptors are on the verge of losing their leading scorer or the fact that the Canadian Government is on the verge of losing its leading tax payer.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton is expected to miss two months with an abdominal strain. Luckily for him he has plenty of experience with rehab.

The Atlanta Braves have cut two-time Cy Young Award winner Tom Glavine. The team plans to cap off the week by burning effigies of Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews.

The Pirates have begun their annual fire sale by trading all-star outfielder Nate McClouth. Anyone interested in a starting pitcher, photocopier or a coffee machine is encouraged to inquire within.

The NHL has elected not to outlaw hits to the head. After all, if your head was functioning fully you wouldn’t be playing hockey in the first place.

All Sport has signed John Daly as an endorser. The soft drink company doesn’t entirely support his antics, but no one else on the PGA Tour has a larger belly on which to paste their corporate logo.

Barack Obama has picked the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals in six games. If he bets enough money he might even be able to bail out G.M.

Trojans forward Marcus Johnson has decided to enter the NBA Draft. Hopefully his new team will be able to match whatever he was making at USC.

Mindy McCready has agreed to star in VH-1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. Anyone who’s survived a relationship with Roger Clemens should have no problem breezing through rehab.

Rex Ryan has predicted the Jets will win a Super Bowl in the next three years. The NFL is expected to begin testing his urine immediately.

Joe Montana’s rookie card just sold at an auction for $65,880. In related news, Joe Montana plans to spend the next three days rummaging through his attic.

A Major League scout believes David Ortiz could be older than his records suggest. Based upon his recent struggles we’re guessing he’s at least 89.

WNBA president Donna Orender recently told reporters that her league is in excellent shape. Then again, she also enjoys watching women’s basketball, so how good could her judgment really be?