In The Spotlight

Rex Ryan is a sportswriter’s dream come true. This exceptionally candid head coach seldom holds back in his press conferences as he gleefully expounds on topics ranging from the New York Jets to his own supersized posterior. “I'm the biggest trash talker there is,” he says. “[But] I don't disrespect anybody else. I just have confidence in our football team." The Jets will need both his brains and his bravado this year if they hope to improve upon last season’s successful 9-7 campaign. Learn more about Ryan by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly has announced that he’s decided to stop drinking beer. In related news, Anheuser-Busch plans to lay off 10,000 employees later today.

Kenny Lofton has been named to the Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame. Or, as we like to call it, the loneliest place on Earth.

The Pittsburgh Pirates plan to put a statue of Bill Mazeroski outside PNC Park. It will go right next to the statue of Ian Snell, the last Pirates pitcher to post an ERA below 6.00.

Michael Phelps was spotted giving an attractive woman a shoulder rub at a poker tournament. It’s nice to hear someone is picking up Tiger Woods’ slack.

Several teams are reportedly interested in J.J. Redick. Unfortunately for him they all play in the ACC.

Mike D'Antoni has revealed that the Knicks are looking to make a major trade. And if D’Antoni has his way, he’ll be the first one to go.

Dr. J has put his Utah mansion on the market for $2.25 million. The 6,572-square foot villa has five bedrooms, five bathrooms and doorframes high enough to accommodate even the largest of afros.

Randy Winn has signed a $2 million deal with the Yankees. It might just be the cheapest win New York gets all year long.

Prince Fielder says he hopes to spend the rest of his career in Milwaukee. After all, it’s the only city in the U.S. where he’s actually considered svelte.

Rex Ryan has apologized for making an obscene gesture at a mixed martial arts fight. God knows, you wouldn’t want to debase a classy event like that.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chris Bosh has refused to sign an extension with Toronto. It’s hard to say what’s more devastating: the fact that the Raptors are on the verge of losing their leading scorer or the fact that the Canadian Government is on the verge of losing its leading tax payer.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton is expected to miss two months with an abdominal strain. Luckily for him he has plenty of experience with rehab.

The Atlanta Braves have cut two-time Cy Young Award winner Tom Glavine. The team plans to cap off the week by burning effigies of Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews.

The Pirates have begun their annual fire sale by trading all-star outfielder Nate McClouth. Anyone interested in a starting pitcher, photocopier or a coffee machine is encouraged to inquire within.

The NHL has elected not to outlaw hits to the head. After all, if your head was functioning fully you wouldn’t be playing hockey in the first place.

All Sport has signed John Daly as an endorser. The soft drink company doesn’t entirely support his antics, but no one else on the PGA Tour has a larger belly on which to paste their corporate logo.

Barack Obama has picked the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals in six games. If he bets enough money he might even be able to bail out G.M.

Trojans forward Marcus Johnson has decided to enter the NBA Draft. Hopefully his new team will be able to match whatever he was making at USC.

Mindy McCready has agreed to star in VH-1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. Anyone who’s survived a relationship with Roger Clemens should have no problem breezing through rehab.

Rex Ryan has predicted the Jets will win a Super Bowl in the next three years. The NFL is expected to begin testing his urine immediately.

Joe Montana’s rookie card just sold at an auction for $65,880. In related news, Joe Montana plans to spend the next three days rummaging through his attic.

A Major League scout believes David Ortiz could be older than his records suggest. Based upon his recent struggles we’re guessing he’s at least 89.

WNBA president Donna Orender recently told reporters that her league is in excellent shape. Then again, she also enjoys watching women’s basketball, so how good could her judgment really be?