You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs have signed Theo Ratliff. The singing fulfills the team’s annual obligation of having at least one player older than dust.

Gary Sheffield is headed to the DL. Things have gotten so dire for the Mets that their mascot is now hitting cleanup.

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. In many ways it’s just like Alex Rodriguez but with considerably more depth.

A toy company plans to release a figurine of ESPN sports newscaster Erin Andrews. The news is being celebrated around the country by men who desperately want to see her naked but can’t afford an Internet connection.

Lance Armstrong finished in third place at the Tour De France. It’s just as well. No one really looks good in yellow anyhow.

The Chicago Cubs have moved into first place atop the NL Central. In related news, Hell is expected to freeze over at 4:35 this afternoon.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Or in Vick’s case, a dead dog.

Shaquille O'Neal’s wife was involved in a minor fender bender. Something tells us she’s experienced much worse in the bedroom.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won’t be them.

Roger Federer has become the father of twins. The two girls are expected to crack the world doubles rankings within a week.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The long layoff could be a blessing as Windscheffel is expected to be skittish around referees for at least 12 months.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He got the idea after watching John Daly eat in all of them earlier that morning.

Swin Cash set a new WNBA record by scoring 22 points at the league’s All-Star game. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one point for everyone who actually watched the game.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield has lashed out at his former agent Scott Boras, calling him a "bad person." It takes one to know one.

Minnesota Vikings tackle Bryant McKinnie was arrested for aggravated battery after a street brawl outside a Miami nightclub. The last time a Viking got that rowdy an entire village was pillaged and burned.

San Antonio has acquired power forward Kurt Thomas from Seattle. The deal officially gives the Spurs more veterans than a WWII parade.

New Jersey forward Richard Jefferson is on the hot seat after allegedly choking a man at a hotel party. The charge is hardly surprising given how Jefferson and the Nets have been mastering the art of choking all season.

New York centerfielder Johnny Damon has admitted that he nearly retired following last year’s spring training. Based on the way he played during the season many fans assumed that he had.

Singapore will host the first Youth Olympic Games in 2010. It will be a nice change of pace for a place where the children are used to making the athletic gear rather than playing with it.

The New England Patriots have decided not to designate Randy Moss as a franchise player. Instead the team will simply invest more money in upgrading its video surveillance equipment.

The Florida Marlins have reached an agreement for a brand new ballpark. The baseball-only complex will feature seating for 100 to accommodate all of the Marlins current fans.

260 pound Brewers slugger Prince Fielder has decided to stop eating meat. Consider this fair warning to stock up on fruits and vegetables while you still can.

Toronto Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin has refused to waive his no-trade clause and will remain with the team for the rest of the season. That’s news to many sports fan who probably assumed that a Mats Sundin was an overpriced piece of IKEA furniture.