You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Evander Holyfield knocked out Frans Botha to win the WBF Heavyweight Title. It’s the biggest victory Holyfield has had since the Civil War.

Texas Stadium has been reduced to a useless pile of dust… just like Jerry Jones.

Dwyane Wade reportedly lost $1.5 million on the sale of his South Florida home. Luckily playing for the Heat has prepared him well for dealing with big losses.

Butler has given Brad Stevens a 12-year, multimillion dollar deal to continue coaching the Bulldogs. That’s a lot of money for someone who’s not even old enough to shave.

Umpire Joe West has called the Yankees and Red Sox a disgrace to baseball. He’s obviously never had to officiate a Pirates-Nationals game.

Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan is on the disabled list with a stiff neck after sleeping on a rolled-up towel. The veteran hurler said he learned his lesson and next time will sleep on Prince Fielder’s soft pillowy gut instead.

Georgia police have finished probing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. No word yet on whether Ben Roethlisberger has finished probing Georgia college students.

Phil Mickelson has won his third Masters title. The veteran golfer now has more ugly jackets than Don Cherry.

Tiger Woods finished five strokes behind at The Masters. Fortunately he’s used to taking extra strokes now that his wife has him on lockdown.

Philadelphia head coach Eddie Jordan says he isn’t interested in coaching Rutgers. That’s hardly surprising since he doesn’t appear to be very interested in coaching the Sixers either.

The sale of the New Jersey Nets to Mikhail Prokhorov is in jeopardy. Apparently he finally saw them play.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs have signed Theo Ratliff. The singing fulfills the team’s annual obligation of having at least one player older than dust.

Gary Sheffield is headed to the DL. Things have gotten so dire for the Mets that their mascot is now hitting cleanup.

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. In many ways it’s just like Alex Rodriguez but with considerably more depth.

A toy company plans to release a figurine of ESPN sports newscaster Erin Andrews. The news is being celebrated around the country by men who desperately want to see her naked but can’t afford an Internet connection.

Lance Armstrong finished in third place at the Tour De France. It’s just as well. No one really looks good in yellow anyhow.

The Chicago Cubs have moved into first place atop the NL Central. In related news, Hell is expected to freeze over at 4:35 this afternoon.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Or in Vick’s case, a dead dog.

Shaquille O'Neal’s wife was involved in a minor fender bender. Something tells us she’s experienced much worse in the bedroom.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won’t be them.

Roger Federer has become the father of twins. The two girls are expected to crack the world doubles rankings within a week.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The long layoff could be a blessing as Windscheffel is expected to be skittish around referees for at least 12 months.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He got the idea after watching John Daly eat in all of them earlier that morning.

Swin Cash set a new WNBA record by scoring 22 points at the league’s All-Star game. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one point for everyone who actually watched the game.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy has pled guilty to wagering on games he officiated. Experts believe his admission may be even more damaging than the league’s use of really small shorts during the 1970s.

A center on the Rutgers women's basketball team sued Don Imus and CBS for slander and defamation of character. Wow, those are pretty big words for a nappy-headed ho.

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson have turned down invitations to play in the LG Skins Game. In their defense, the two golfers backed out when they mistakenly thought John Daly would be playing topless.

Former Phillies General Manager Ed Wade got stuck in a tree while skydiving. Some guys will stop at nothing to be well hung.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin surprised his team by canceling their classroom work and taking them bowling. It was an appropriate choice of activities since the Giants should spend most of the season in the gutters.

Lakers super fan Jack Nicholson has developed a serious problem in which his saliva glands have stopped working. Apparently that’s what happens when he has to go more than three months without watching the Laker Girls.

ESPN has decided not to air the NFL QB Challenge because it featured Michael Vick. Smart move. Why would anyone want to watch Vick run and throw a football when they could watch him run away from authorities and throw away his career?

Vinny Testaverde has re-signed with the New England Patriots. The 43-year-old quarterback will provide the team with an experienced backup in case Tom Brady impregnates another celebrity.

Minute Man

In addition to writing Ask Ryan I'm also a regular contributor to The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So), a weekly short that mocks everything sport. Created by Steve Hofstetter and written by a staff of comedians, the Minute is syndicated weekly by 162 radio stations, 29 newspapers, and 15 websites. Here's the first of my many weekly musings:

Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. Sadly, he missed out on the award ceremony afterwards due to an overwhelming case of the munchies.

A couple in England have given their newborn daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It’s believed to be the first time that the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself.

A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The players who went included Ron Villone and Andy Pettitte, both of whom know a thing or two about getting shelled.

The NFL has folded its development league in Europe after 16 years. No word yet on how the football crazy fans of Estonia are going to cope.

Craig Biggio has become the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. It’s just a shame it took him nearly 3,000 years to accomplish the feat.

A beachside guest house owned by Tiger Woods was destroyed by lightning. We always suspected God liked Phil Mickelson more.

Struggling Yankees reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his personal game equipment on fire. No word yet on whether the Yankees will consider doing the same thing to Johnny Damon.

The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. Now all they have to do is sell the franchise three times in order to pay his salary.

You can learn more about The Minute by visiting http://www.minuteorso.com/