Friday, November 28, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.