Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.