You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Brett Favre went 1-4 in his debut with the Vikings. He likely would have had more snaps if he hadn’t retired during the second quarter.

John Smoltz says he understands why the Red Sox gave up on him. Anyone who knows an ERA should be lower than the national deficit can understand that.

The International Athletic Federation is forcing South Africa's Caster Semenya to undergo a gender test. Semenya will be allowed to stay in the woman’s division if she can watch The View for longer than 30 seconds.

The New York Mets are expected to dump Gary Sheffield. Let’s hope they also remember to flush.

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels appears to be taking his clothing cues from Bill Belichick. Or a hobo. One or the other.

The NFL will try to crack down on binge drinking at games during the 2009 season. No one is more upset with the news than Matt Leinart.

The bludgeoned body of a 22-year-old man was recently found on Chipper Jones' ranch. Police have already ruled out Jones as a suspect since he hasn’t been hitting anything this year.

A Florida theme park plans to name a new high speed ride in honor of Dale Earnhardt. Isn’t that a little bit like naming an airplane after Roberto Clemente?

Plaxico Burress has hired a prison consultant to get ready for life behind bars. Wouldn’t it have been a lot cheaper to have just bought soap on a rope?

Lou Piniella has expressed interest in returning to the Cubs in 2010. Well sure, misery always loves company.

Cincinnati Reds starter Aaron Harang is out for the rest of the season after having his appendix removed. Finally, an organ that’s almost as useless as the rest of the Reds’ pitching staff.

The Boston Red Sox have dropped struggling starter Brad Penny from their rotation. Luckily for him bad pennies always seem to come back.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Tommy Lasorda, Terrell Owens, Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neil, Lance Armstrong, Chipper Jones, Plaxico Burress and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the DL with an anxiety disorder. You’d be nervous too if your team’s key off-season acquisition was Adam Everett.

Kevin Durant has said he wants to be in Oklahoma for a long time. Then again, even a week feels like a long time in Oklahoma.

Plaxico Burress is allegedly frightened of spending the next three and a half years in jail. Then again, show me someone who isn’t scared of going to prison and I’ll show you someone whose sphincter sees more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers’ request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project like turning Smurfs into gold.

Professional golfer Annika Sorenstam is reportedly pregnant with her first child. For those of you keeping score at home, credit her husband Mike McGee with a hole in one.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. His proposal has been received warmly by fans across America, including thousands of sadomasochists living in Detroit.

Former Kentucky Derby winner Alysheba was euthanized over the weekend. In related news, Wal-Mart will have glue on sale all week long.

NBA owners have approved a rule change whereby teams that have an extra player on the court will now receive a technical foul. The change could be devastating for the Sacramento Kings who have been playing with nine men at a time just to stay competitive.

The Detroit Tigers have upset some Roman Catholics who are unhappy that the club's home opener against the Rangers is scheduled during holy hours on Good Friday. We can hardly wait to see their reaction when Texas nails their pitching staff.

Joba Chamberlain’s fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. If it drops off anymore the Yankees are going to have to start timing it with a calendar.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. In fact, it should be completely colored in another week.

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, David Wells has just signed with the team.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Plaxico Burress, Chuck Norris, Kobe Bryant, President Obama, and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.

The Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event over the next month, so even if your team doesn’t make the cut, you still can.

The Netherlands shocked the world by defeating the Dominican Republic at the WBC. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.

Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. The rest of the country is expected to sleep much more soundly knowing exactly where he is.

The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. After all, you can’t enjoy Thanksgiving without a big turkey.

Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Frankly, we’re just impressed that he wasn’t taping an episode of Pros vs. Hoes.

A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.

Plaxico Burress recently picked up four traffic tickets in a single day for speeding, improper display of tags, improper lane change and improper window tinting. All things considered, we’d still rather have him behind the wheel than riding shotgun.

The NBA is considering rewriting its traveling rules. That sounds to us like four steps in the right direction.

British Gas has signed a $20.8 million sponsorship deal with the country’s Olympic swim team. We’re curious to see how things work out since oil and water seldom mix.

There’s growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on their roster, we’re guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.

Former WWE wrestler Andrew Martin was recently found dead at his Tampa home after a neighbor reported he appeared motionless for several hours. Police initially dismissed the call since they receive several reports a day just like it regarding John Daly.

Martial arts legend Chuck Norris is considering running for President of Texas. If elected, Norris plans to save money by replacing the electric chair with a swift roundhouse kick.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Boston Red Sox are reportedly interested in signing rotund slugger Prince Fielder. Well, not the Red Sox per se, but the team’s hotdog vendors.

Calgary Flames co-owner Daryl Seamen has died at the age of 86. He is survived by his wife Anita Seamen and his son Dick Seamen.

Pacman Jones plans to sue ESPN over allegations that he arranged to have three men shot at an Atlanta nightclub. It should be thrilling for him to finally be on the other side of a lawsuit. In related news, Pacman Jones has said he believes Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will give him another shot. Unfortunately for Jones it will likely come at the end of .38 revolver.

TNT analyst Charles Barkley is taking a leave of absence from the broadcast chair. The chair is said to be thrilled.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese has said that the team is open to bring back Plaxico Burress. It’s nice to hear they’re going to give him another “shot”.

Jason Giambi has promised to bring his famous gold thong back to Oakland. It’s expected to be the second most useless thing in his locker next to his glove.

A 72-year-old woman recently discovered a rare baseball card from 1869. And no one’s happier than Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer, who thought he’d never see his old rookie card again.

David Beckham recently bought his wife Victoria an $80,000 handbag. Of course, it’s easy to afford accessories like that when you’re a $250 million douchebag yourself.

Northern State’s Don Meyer has become the winningest men’s basketball coach in NCAA history following his 903rd career victory. Any way you slice it, this is a very bad day to be a chair in Bob Knight’s house.

Don King is selling his Florida home. The ocean-front property is easily the most instupetuous, splendificent and ostentacular house on the entire block.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sales of Plaxico Burress' No. 17 jersey have fallen off by 75% over the past month. It’s a huge drop off from a year ago when his replica jerseys were as hot as a pistol.

The Chicago Cubs have signed Aaron Miles to a two-year contract. The Cubbies decided to acquire the veteran infielder after hearing they were still Miles away from contending for a World Series title.

John Daly has been suspended for six months by the PGA tour. It sounds like he finally discovered the “A” in PGA doesn’t stand for “alcohol.”

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Winter Classic. It’s nice to know the Cubs aren’t the only Chicago franchise capable of losing big at Wrigley.

A construction worker at the new Yankee Stadium was taken to a hospital after falling off a mobile scaffold. Yankees fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since last August.

CBS Sports has hired Tom Arnold to star in a new web series about heckling. It’s the perfect project for a man who’s been called every name in the book.

The NHL Network recently aired a segment featuring the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking on a yacht in their bikinis. The two minute clip has been blamed for already causing 10,000 spontaneous cases of high sticking.

A Portland man was arrested after police found him driving a Zamboni erratically at a local arena. The driver has since been sentenced to 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

Boston College knocked off top-ranked North Carolina with a stirring 85-78 victory in Chapel Hill. The outcome was so shocking that Tyler Hansbrough nearly blinked.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly natural to have man-boobs the size of watermelons.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.