Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.
Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the DL with an anxiety disorder. You’d be nervous too if your team’s key off-season acquisition was Adam Everett.
Kevin Durant has said he wants to be in Oklahoma for a long time. Then again, even a week feels like a long time in Oklahoma.
Plaxico Burress is allegedly frightened of spending the next three and a half years in jail. Then again, show me someone who isn’t scared of going to prison and I’ll show you someone whose sphincter sees more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.
Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers’ request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project like turning Smurfs into gold.
Professional golfer Annika Sorenstam is reportedly pregnant with her first child. For those of you keeping score at home, credit her husband Mike McGee with a hole in one.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. His proposal has been received warmly by fans across America, including thousands of sadomasochists living in Detroit.
Former Kentucky Derby winner Alysheba was euthanized over the weekend. In related news, Wal-Mart will have glue on sale all week long.
NBA owners have approved a rule change whereby teams that have an extra player on the court will now receive a technical foul. The change could be devastating for the Sacramento Kings who have been playing with nine men at a time just to stay competitive.
The Detroit Tigers have upset some Roman Catholics who are unhappy that the club's home opener against the Rangers is scheduled during holy hours on Good Friday. We can hardly wait to see their reaction when Texas nails their pitching staff.
Joba Chamberlain’s fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. If it drops off anymore the Yankees are going to have to start timing it with a calendar.
Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. In fact, it should be completely colored in another week.
A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, David Wells has just signed with the team.