Monday, July 13, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. The news comes as a shock to many baseball observers who assumed the team was being managed by a punch drunk chimpanzee.

The Oakland A’s plan to retire Ricky Henderson’s number 24 jersey. The ceremony will be part of a larger event that will also include the retirement of Mark McGwire’s pill case and Jose Canseco’s syringe set.

The NBA has announced that league-wide revenue rose 2.5 percent from last season. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as most of that money was made from fining Mark Cuban.

The running of the bulls is now underway in Pamplona, Spain. We haven’t seen this many terrified white guys since Barack Obama was elected.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to give Anderson Varejao a $50 million contract. $45 million will be for playing basketball and $5 million will be for attending children’s parties dressed as Sideshow Bob.

The Toronto Blue Jays have released struggling reliever B.J. Ryan. Seldom has a B.J. sucked so much.

Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder helped defeat the Cardinals with an infield single. The last time he ran that fast there was an ice cream truck involved.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they won’t even need to buy a new jersey.

Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

Former Major League All-Star Delino DeShields is currently working as a hitting coach in Montana. It’s unclear whether DeShields hopes to one day become a manager or if he simply lost a bet.

Lance Armstrong has moved into third place at the Tour de France. The French haven’t been this upset since Jerry Lewis announced he was retiring.

Ron Artest plans to wear No. 37 this season because that was the number of weeks Michael Jackson’s Thriller topped the record charts. It will certainly look better than 00, which is the number of people who bought Artest’s last album.