Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Prince Fielder, Ozzie Guillen, the Pittsburgh Pirates, Anderson Varejao, Shaquille O’Neal, Mark Cuban, Lance Armstrong and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. The news comes as a shock to many baseball observers who assumed the team was being managed by a punch drunk chimpanzee.

The Oakland A’s plan to retire Ricky Henderson’s number 24 jersey. The ceremony will be part of a larger event that will also include the retirement of Mark McGwire’s pill case and Jose Canseco’s syringe set.

The NBA has announced that league-wide revenue rose 2.5 percent from last season. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as most of that money was made from fining Mark Cuban.

The running of the bulls is now underway in Pamplona, Spain. We haven’t seen this many terrified white guys since Barack Obama was elected.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to give Anderson Varejao a $50 million contract. $45 million will be for playing basketball and $5 million will be for attending children’s parties dressed as Sideshow Bob.

The Toronto Blue Jays have released struggling reliever B.J. Ryan. Seldom has a B.J. sucked so much.

Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder helped defeat the Cardinals with an infield single. The last time he ran that fast there was an ice cream truck involved.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they won’t even need to buy a new jersey.

Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

Former Major League All-Star Delino DeShields is currently working as a hitting coach in Montana. It’s unclear whether DeShields hopes to one day become a manager or if he simply lost a bet.

Lance Armstrong has moved into third place at the Tour de France. The French haven’t been this upset since Jerry Lewis announced he was retiring.

Ron Artest plans to wear No. 37 this season because that was the number of weeks Michael Jackson’s Thriller topped the record charts. It will certainly look better than 00, which is the number of people who bought Artest’s last album.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Former Dodgers pitcher Darren Dreifort's recently underwent his 22nd surgery. You know your career is in jeopardy when you’ve been poked and prodded more than Alyssa Milano.

Gisele Bundchen is reportedly pregnant with Tom Brady’s child. The fetus is expected to be signed to a major deal later this week.

The University of Florida has announced that its 2009-10 athletic budget will be $89 million. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as $59 million of that will go directly towards paying off NCAA officials.

Dirk Nowitzki has said he would like to have a family, but it won’t be easy to win his heart. No surprise there. With Dirk Nowitzki on your team it’s not easy to win anything.

President Barack Obama has agreed to throw out the first pitch before the Major League Baseball All-Star game at Busch Stadium. Just hearing the words “president” and “Busch” together again is starting to make us nauseous.

Detroit Shock forward Plenette Pierson is expected to be out for the rest of the season after shoulder surgery. On the positive side, at least she no longer has to watch women’s basketball every night.

Cleveland Indians manager Eric Wedge has already lost 25 pounds this season. It’s nice to know that his ability to lose big extends beyond the diamond.

Magglio Ordonez has ended his homerun drought after cutting his hair. The Tigers outfielder hopes to improve his batting average next by shaving his back.

France's anti-doping crusaders are stockpiling needles for testing blood at this year Tour de France. It’s nice to know Lance Armstrong won’t be the only prick at the event.

Shaquille O’Neal plans to wear his collegiate number 33 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately for the Cavs, Shaq has no intention of revisiting his collegiate waistline.

Mets manager Jerry Manuel believes the team needs to acquire a big bat and, if possible, a player who won’t get injured when trying to swing it.

What Were They Thinking?

On September 9, 2008, Lance Armstrong announced he would return to competitive cycling with the goal of winning the 2009 Tour de France. The indomitable Texan has since placed 29th in the Tour Down Under in Australia, had his bicycle stolen in Sacramento and had to withdraw from the Vuelta Castilla y León in Spain after breaking his collarbone. Sadly, Armstrong is hardly the first athlete to jeopardize his legacy by attempting an ill-advised comeback from retirement. Michael Jordan, Brett Favre and Muhammad Ali are among the other A-listers who sullied their reputations for another shot at glory. Click here to read my list of the top ten ill-advised comebacks in the sporting world.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Tommy Lasorda, Terrell Owens, Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neil, Lance Armstrong, Chipper Jones, Plaxico Burress and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Shea Stadium, Lance Armstrong, Charles Barkley, Jason Giambi, Craig Sager and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

It was a busy day in Pittsburgh where Sidney Crosby and his teammates hand-delivered season tickets to fans. Meanwhile, elsewhere across town, members of the Pirates coaching staff were also spotted going door-to-door delivering their resumes.

Lance Armstrong has announced that he’ll compete in one more Tour de France. His declaration come as a surprise to many insiders since the last thing he rode to victory was an Olsen twin.

Tampa Bay quarterback Jeff Garcia sprained an ankle during the Buccaneers' season-opening loss at New Orleans and is iffy for this week's home game. That’s a nice upgrade from last year when he was iffy all season long.

Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson will likely miss the remainder of the season because of a fracture in his right index finger. Unfortunately for Wilson, that’s the same finger he uses to change the channel when Pittsburgh Pirates highlights come on the TV.

Shaquille O’Neal has revealed he plans to quit playing professional basketball in two more years. Rims around the league are already breathing a sigh of relief.

Runningback Ricky Williams reportedly negotiated his own contract extension with Bill Parcells and the Miami Dolphins. That certainly explains why it was written on a Zig Zag rolling paper.

A physicist says that Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt could have run the 100 meters in 9.55 seconds at the Olympics if he hadn’t slowed down to showboat. Ironically, the same physicist could have published his report two weeks earlier if he hadn’t stopped to brag about his results to his colleagues.

An all-white jury has been selected in O.J. Simpson's upcoming kidnapping trial. The judge had tried to select a jury of Simpsons peers, but he couldn’t find 12 unconvicted murderers on such short notice.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley accidentally exposed his genitalia in a picture posted on his personal website. We always suspected Cooley was nutty, but now we have the photo documentation to prove it.

A group of Chivas USA soccer players accidentally dropped goalkeeper Zach Thornton while carrying him off the field on a stretcher. That’s what happens when you don’t let players use their hands.

What’s the difference between the Mets bullpen and a hooker? A hooker usually gets down on her knees before she blows something.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson were spotted having a ball a Dolce & Gabbana party in Cannes. Just one ball, mind you, but it was a ball nonetheless.

The NBA has confirmed that Michael Beasley is 6-8 and not 6-10 as he previously claimed. The Kansas State forward has blamed his loss of two inches on a recent circumcision.

A New England man has been found guilty of impersonating a Seattle SuperSonics front office executive. Authorities first became suspicious since not even the team’s real employees are willing to admit they work for the Sonics.

Actress Nikki Ziering has signed on to participate in Hulk Hogan's new reality show, Celebrity Championship Wrestling. It should be a natural fit for her since she’s used to spending long periods of time on her back with her legs in the air.

The IOC has suspended Iraq's national Olympic committee thereby leaving Iraqi athletes in danger of missing the Beijing Games. Ironically the committee was one of the few groups in the country that actually had an exit strategy for getting out of Iraq.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to pay a local radio station $2,000 per broadcast next season. No word yet on how much the team will have to pay fans to actually listen.

North Carolina point guard Ty Lawson has been charged with driving under the influence. Authorities first suspected Lawson was drunk when they spotted a fat chick sitting in his back seat.

Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick and California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger are making a friendly wager on the outcome of the NBA finals. If the Celtics win, Schwarzenegger has promised to donate Californian food and beverages to a charity of Patrick's choice. And if the Lakers win Patrick must sit through all of Kindergarten Cop.

Shaquille O’Neal showed up to the Belmont Stakes dressed like a jockey. The Big Aristotle’s outfit was so realistic that it reportedly caused three horses to faint.

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to 15 counts of lying to federal investigators about steroids. The plea would have been even more convincing if Bonds’ pants hadn’t caught on fire half way through.

Country singer Mindy McCready recently took part in the World Series of Poker. It’s the first time in weeks we’ve been able to say the words “McCready” and “poker” without mentioning Roger Clemens.

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was spotted canoodling with his girlfriend Linda Holliday at a romantic restaurant in Boston. We’re not sure what happened after that but something tells us Belichick probably has it on tape.

Randy Johnson has passed Roger Clemens on the career strikeout list by notching his 4,673rd K. It’s quite an accomplishment for a man who looks like he should be operating carnival rides in Oklahoma.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Cyclist Lance Armstrong was spotted dining with Matt Damon at a posh club in Miami. Sounds like another case of three nuts out on the town.

Forward Anderson Varejao told reporters he’s happy to be back with the Cavaliers. His announcement marks the first time in history that anyone has been excited about moving to Cleveland.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have agreed to a 2-year, $36.2 million deal with centerfielder Andruw Jones. For those of you keeping track at home that’s $500,000 for every single hit.

Two Texas A&M football players have been charged in an alleged armed robbery of a College Station apartment. Luckily it’s Texas A&M so they should get a credit for it.

Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry won his appeal of a one-year suspension over a failed drug test. Just as importantly, no one was impregnated during the proceedings.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has reportedly been sending daily gifts to Jessica Simpson. Let’s hope for his sake Terrell Owens doesn’t get upset that he’s no longer his top receiver.

David Beckham has earned the job of being the official backstage photographer for the SPICE GIRLS. That is, assuming he doesn’t get injured.

Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own at a Houston rehab center. Although he’s still months away from running, doctors are happy to report that Everett already has more mobility that J.P. Losman.

Forbes magazine has named the New York Knicks the NBA’s most valuable franchise. Non one is happier about the news than the team’s majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.

Reports have surfaced that former Vancouver Canucks coach Marc Crawford ordered Todd Bertuzzi’s hit on Colorado forward Steve Moore. On the positive side, it’s the first time that NHL has been front page news in nearly three years.

Indiana Pacers guard Jamaal Tinsley and several companions were targeted in a shooting outside a downtown Indianapolis hotel. Luckily most of the shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been fellow teammate Troy Murphy.

Vladimir Guerrero has almost fully recovered from an irritated right triceps injury that prevented him from playing right field for the Angels at the end of the season. With a little bit of luck he’ll be back to hitting balls ten feet out of the strike zone in no time.