You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Trailblazers are reportedly looking at rotund center Eddy Curry… all the way from Portland. Curry’s removal could allow New York to sign two players while simultaneously freeing up four spots on the bench.

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad has died at the age of 93. Team officials are still trying to see if they can stick the remains of Boof Bonser and Juan Rincon into his coffin before it’s interred.

Carmelo Anthony recently hurt his hand in a win over Indiana. The injury is especially disconcerting for the All-Star forward since it’s his rolling hand.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly normal to have man-boobs the size of engorged watermelons.

Andy Pettitte has rejected the Yankees' one-year, $10 million offer. After all, he didn’t want to be paid less than the team’s bat boy.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Alex Rodriquez was recently spotted getting close with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At the rate he’s going his next girlfriend might be a pile of dust.

Jessica Simpson has been included in this year’s Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook. After all, who wouldn’t want culinary advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between tuna and chicken?

Rays outfielder Rocco Baldelli got some good news recently after doctors re-diagnosed his mitochondrial disorder as the less severe channelopathy. Baldelli is hopeful that with enough time he’ll eventually have a disease he can actually spell.

The Dallas Cowboys have released troubled cornerback Pacman Jones. You know you’ve had a bad year when the INT in your stat column refers to interrogations.

Warren Sapp recently challenged Michael Phelps to a televised swimming duel. The race got off to a promising start before Sapp was suddenly harpooned after his first five strokes.

The Cavaliers are now 18-0 at home after defeating the Bobcats, proving once and for all that visiting teams hate Cleveland nearly as much as the rest of the country.

WNBA star Candace Parker is expecting her first child this spring, making her the first professional basketball player in history to actually have a planned pregnancy.

David Beckham is currently charging $700,000 per interview. Or, in other words, $350,000 for every interesting thing he has to say.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he’ll install a shuffleboard deck.

MetLife Inc. has become the first of five major sponsors for New York’s new Meadowlands stadium. The $15 million deal will certainly help financially, but as Willie Randolph will tell you, Met life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was lifted from a game against the Rays after tweaking his shoulder. Doctors fear the injury may prevent him from punching out any of his teammates for at least two weeks.

Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot it’s still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.

Charles Barkley is headed back to Las Vegas to play in a charity poker tournament a month after pledging not to gamble. It’s not as bad as it sounds, though. Barkley will be donating all of his winnings to Hypocrites Anonymous.

An angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. On the positive side, two of the birds have already found a regular place in the Mets rotation.

Ron Artest has a new song out in which he freestyles over Alicia Keys' single, No One. It’s a big step forward for a player whose greatest hits have all included Detroit Pistons fans.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the L.A. Dodgers. Sadly, the episode was mired by the three heart attacks he suffered while rounding the bases.

Sports broadcaster Pat Summerall is recovering from an emergency procedure to stop internal bleeding. It’s the first time in medical history that a patient has actually provided play-by-play for his own surgery.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he wants to be referred to as Adam or Mr. Jones. You have to admit that it will certainly look a lot classier on a police blotter.

Kobe Bryant is headed to China after being selected to the U.S. Olympic team. The Lakers star can barely wait to alienate a whole new continent of fans.

Los Angeles Spark forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a 77-63 win over the Indiana Fever. The event was so exhilarating that it brought all three fans to their feet.