You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Former major league All-Star Jose Offerman threw a punch at an umpire during a Dominican winter league game. Luckily for the ump, Offerman has always been a weak hitter.

Kurt Rambis says he’s embarrassed by the Timberwolves. And anyone who’s seen photos of Rambis during the 80’s knows his embarrassment threshold is remarkably high.

The Mets have reportedly lost faith in the abilities of General Manager Omar Minaya… just two years after the rest of the Western Hemisphere.

John Daly was spotted using a 20-year-old wedge at the Sony Open. It’s nice to hear Tiger Woods isn’t the only one using 20-year-olds these days

David Beckham says he uses Skype to help his son Brooklyn with his homework. That helps explain why Brooklyn is presently repeating third grade.

Michael Beasley says he wishes he worked at McDonald’s so nobody would care about his marijuana use. Luckily for him that wish is just one arrest away.

Former Net Shawne Williams is headed to prison on multiple counts of drug possession. It could be worse: he could he headed back to the Nets.

The Knicks celebrated Italian Heritage Night with the Toronto Raptors in town. The event featured Italian food, Italian music and two guys getting shoved into the trunk of a Cadillac.

Stephon Marbury has signed a contract with Shanxi Zhongyu of the Chinese Basketball Association. Apparently references were not required.

Blake Griffin expects to be healthy by late April… just in time to help the rest of his teammates clean out their lockers.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered a sex rehab clinic in Arizona. He’s not addicted to sex; he just went to meet some women who are.

GM has decided to stop loaning Tiger Woods free Cadillac’s. On the positive side, he should be able to hitch a ride from any one of his 57 girlfriends.

Dwight Howard and LeBron James have decided to pull out of the Slam Dunk Contest. We’re amazed: We had no idea NBA players knew HOW to pull out.

Victoria Beckham has undergone breast reduction surgery. It sounds like David Beckham is back to being the biggest boob in the family.

Washington shot only 44 percent in a surprising loss to Detroit. It’s nice to hear the Wizards are shooting blanks for a change.

Nets forward Josh Boone says he would love to stay in New Jersey. Boone later retracted his statement after being informed there are 49 other states in the U.S.

The Baseball Hall of Fame has announced they’re keeping Mark McGwire’s bat in Cooperstown. That’s too bad: we were hoping they’d use it to beat some sense into Jose Canseco.

The Lakers have become the first NBA team to reach 3,000 wins. And to think, all it took was being in the same division as the Clippers.

Major League Baseball plans to discuss the expanded use of instant replay. The news is being celebrated by fans who have always felt baseball wasn’t quite slow enough.

The Florida Marlins are set to visit U.S. military troops in Iraq and Kuwait. It’s the perfect mission for a team that’s used to getting blown out.

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Real Madrid has insured Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs for $142 million. In related news, the Los Angeles Galaxy has insured David Beckham’s brain for $3.

The Yankees are reportedly watching their wallet. We’d be doing the same thing if we played in the Bronx.

Mike D’Antoni believes the Knicks need more size in the backcourt. A higher IQ in the owner’s box wouldn’t hurt either.

Vince Young has said he expects to reach the Hall of Fame. We expect he’ll have to buy a ticket to get in.

The Arena Football League has shut down its operations. Luckily, spectators who enjoy watching second-rate football can still tune into the Lions.

Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett has withdrawn a request for early release from prison. Clarett changed his mind after learning that White Castle was no longer hiring.

Preakness Stakes winner Rachel Alexandra is getting her very own line of wine. All things considered, it’s a lot better than being turned into her very own line of glue.

Tiger Woods was overheard passing gas on the 18th hole at the Buick open. All things considered, his fart was far more intelligent than anything that came out of John Daly’s mouth all weekend.

A Red Sox fan was recently spotted drinking beer from a sneaker at Fenway Park. God knows, it’s not the first time a Boston fan has put his foot in his mouth.

Junior Seau is joining the Dodgers as the team’s newest bat boy. It’s never a good sign when your bat boy is also your biggest hitter.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have been fined for leaking their 2010 schedule. Apparently the NBA didn’t want anyone to know they were still in the league.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Tom Brady and Gisele, Derek Jeter, David Beckham, Tommy Lasorda, A-Rod, Mickey Rourke, Michael Phelps, Stephon Marbury and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Trailblazers are reportedly looking at rotund center Eddy Curry… all the way from Portland. Curry’s removal could allow New York to sign two players while simultaneously freeing up four spots on the bench.

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad has died at the age of 93. Team officials are still trying to see if they can stick the remains of Boof Bonser and Juan Rincon into his coffin before it’s interred.

Carmelo Anthony recently hurt his hand in a win over Indiana. The injury is especially disconcerting for the All-Star forward since it’s his rolling hand.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly normal to have man-boobs the size of engorged watermelons.

Andy Pettitte has rejected the Yankees' one-year, $10 million offer. After all, he didn’t want to be paid less than the team’s bat boy.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Alex Rodriquez was recently spotted getting close with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At the rate he’s going his next girlfriend might be a pile of dust.

Jessica Simpson has been included in this year’s Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook. After all, who wouldn’t want culinary advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between tuna and chicken?

Rays outfielder Rocco Baldelli got some good news recently after doctors re-diagnosed his mitochondrial disorder as the less severe channelopathy. Baldelli is hopeful that with enough time he’ll eventually have a disease he can actually spell.

The Dallas Cowboys have released troubled cornerback Pacman Jones. You know you’ve had a bad year when the INT in your stat column refers to interrogations.

Warren Sapp recently challenged Michael Phelps to a televised swimming duel. The race got off to a promising start before Sapp was suddenly harpooned after his first five strokes.

The Cavaliers are now 18-0 at home after defeating the Bobcats, proving once and for all that visiting teams hate Cleveland nearly as much as the rest of the country.

WNBA star Candace Parker is expecting her first child this spring, making her the first professional basketball player in history to actually have a planned pregnancy.

David Beckham is currently charging $700,000 per interview. Or, in other words, $350,000 for every interesting thing he has to say.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Green Bay Packers are crying poor after clearing just $21 million last season. Things are so dire, they might have to start eating those giant cheese heads.

San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan recently visited military personnel serving in Kabul, Afghanistan. It was a natural setting for Nolan since he’s used to coming under heavy fire.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he no longer wants to be referred to by his nickname. Instead, he will answer to "Adam," "Mr. Jones," or "Prisoner No. 345279.”

A horse trained by Rick Dutrow has tested positive for twice the allowable level of Clenbuterol, a bronchodilator that helps burn fat and promote muscle growth. Why do horses know about this drug and John Daly doesn’t?

A photo taken during the early stages of the Belmont Stakes shows that Big Brown was running with a loose shoe. Given his poor finish it must have been a stiletto.

The Toronto Raptors have agreed to trade T.J. Ford to the Indiana Pacers for Jermaine O’Neal. The deal will also include center Rasho Nesterovic, a first round draft pick and 3,000 pages of medical documentation.

John Daly and Kid Rock teamed up yesterday at the Buick Open pro-am. It’s unclear who was left in charge of the trailer park while they were out.

China's top backstroker Ouyang Kunpeng has been banned for life for failing a doping test. Terms of the ban are so restrictive that Kunpeng won’t even be allowed to wash his face without permission.

Willie Randolph has been informed he’ll be replaced by Cubs manager Lou Piniella on the coaching staff for next month's All-Star game. And here’s a shocker, he was actually told about it during the daytime.

Warren Sapp says he plans to accept an offer to appear on Dancing with the Stars. Now it’s up to producers to find a woman with a 7’8” wingspan so she can wrap her arms around his waist.

David Beckham recently admitted on his blog that he's astonished by the reaction his new underwear ads for Emporio Armani are generating. "To be honest, I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy's department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it!" he said. Frankly, we're just amazed that David Beckham knows how to write.

Ask Ryan - The Long And Short Of It

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Zach Randolph and all-you-can-eat buffets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the shortest player in NFL history, the most prolific ladies man in pro sports and Kevin Costner's baseball career. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7321704

Soccer's Sauciest Swingers

Henry Kissinger once observed that "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." With all due respect to the former U.S. diplomat, he clearly never laced up a pair of cleats. Over the years, notorious bon vivants like George Best and David Beckham have made football synonymous with the playboy lifestyle, always finding ways to score both on the field and off. Read my comprehensive list of the game’s most celebrated swingers at: http://ca.askmen.com/specials/world_cup_2006/top_20/Fernando_Torres.html

Ask Ryan - Fun For The Whole Family

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment converge like a subpoena on Michael's Vick's doorstep. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about baseball's most notorious nomad, Disneyland's legendary basketball court and David Beckham's alleged I.Q. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7105592