You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Ice Cube thinks the Lakers will win the NBA championship. Then again, he also thought it was a good idea to star in Are We There Yet?

Tiger Woods has agreed to play at a pro-am at Quail Hollow. Organizers are hoping he makes it through the weekend before he discovers that the pro doesn’t stand for “prostitute.”

Tiger Woods has confessed to cheating with as many as 120 women. And that was just on Tuesday morning.

A new study has found that it takes Prince Fielder 21 seconds to round the bases after hitting a homerun. That’s probably because he always stops at second base to have a snack.

Santonio Holmes has acknowledged making mistakes in Pittsburgh. And the biggest mistake was actually buying property there.

J.R. Smith has criticized the Nuggets for their selfish play. That’s a little bit like Tiger Woods criticizing you for your infidelity.

Tito Ortiz has been arrested for assaulting Jenna Jameson. This could be the first time in years that a story involving Jameson doesn’t feature a happy ending.

Scott Sicko has signed a free agent contract with the Cowboys. It’s something of a homecoming for the tight end since Dallas already has a number of sickos on their roster.

Most experts expect to see Stephen Strasburg in Washington by June. You’d have to be an expert to want to watch the Nationals that late in the season.

The family of Abe Pollin is close to selling the Washington Wizards. Little is known about the potential buyer aside from the fact it’s someone completely unfamiliar with the NBA.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has apologized to Dez Bryant after asking if his mother was a prostitute. He also asked if he can have his $200 back.

China’s gymnastic team has been stripped of its bronze medal from the 2000 Olympics for using an underage girl. It sounds like China and Ben Roethlisberger have more in common than you’d think.

44-year-old kicker Jeff Feagles is expected to announce his retirement shortly. At his age he’s closer to kicking the bucket than he is to kicking a field goal.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A 300 lb. sign from the New Jersey Nets’ practice facility recently toppled over. Luckily no one was injured since the Nets never practice.

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Redskins for two draft picks. There must be an easier way of getting free Chunky Soup than that.

A pair of jockeys recently exchanged blows at the Santa Anita Derby. Luckily it was just a small fight.

Al Harrington says he would like to re-sign with the New York. Ironically the Knicks have no interest in signing someone with such low self esteem.

A restaurant in Thailand has made a life-size replica of Tiger Woods out of condoms. The creation of the figure required 500 prophylactics, or as Woods would call it, a good day.

Brian Kelly has admitted that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish stink at the moment. In other words, they’ve improved dramatically.

Tiger Woods’ longtime adviser, John Merchant, has blamed Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley for corrupting his client. Merchant went onto blame Isiah Thomas for global warming and Dominique Wilkins for destroying Atlantis.

The Blue Jays have locked up outfielder Adam Lind for another four years. That’s nothing. Authorities expect to lock up Milton Bradley for 8-10 years by June.

Andrew Bogut’s season is over after fracturing his right hand. Something tells us this isn’t the big break most Bucks fans were hoping for.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. In the interest of saving time they also plan to reduce the women’s tournament to one team: UCONN.

Tiger Woods finally hit the links for some practice at Augusta National. It’s the first time someone in his family has swung a club in public in six months.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods says he’s excited to return to the Masters. It will be his first foursome in months.

Tiger Woods’s return to the Masters is expected to boost television viewership of the event by 16 percent. And that’s just his exes.

EA Sports has released a sneak peak of NFL Madden 11. The game is so realistic that you can actually smell the alcohol on Matt Leinart’s breath.

Dwight Gooden has been charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Police knew for certain he was high when he got out of his car and tried snorting the highway divider lines.

Incoming Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov reportedly doesn’t own a cell phone and never uses the Internet. That goes a long way in explaining why he bought the Nets.

Shawn Bradley is running for the Utah State Legislature. Given the way he runs he should get there sometime by 2030.

A new study has revealed that the Yankees are the best paid figures in sports. They’re followed closely by the Mavericks, the Lakers and the women Ben Roethlisberger pays to stay quiet.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have now lost their 16th consecutive game. In their defense, those 5 guys at the YMCA were a lot tougher than they looked.

NASCAR was forced to postpone its Martinsville race due to heavy rainfall. On the positive side, many racing fans received their first shower in months.

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets says he has no regrets about arguing with a fan who wore a paper bag over his head. However, he does have a few regrets about being the chief executive of the New Jersey Nets.

Tiger Woods has set up a learning center in Southern California. Enrollment in his sex ed classes is already full.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

CBS passed on an interview with Tiger Woods, saying that five minutes with the golfer wouldn’t be enough. There are hundreds of women out there who would probably disagree.

Tiger Woods has reportedly given his wife $150 million to stay in their relationship, and $300 million to always knock twice before entering his hotel room.

Bud Selig may realign baseball’s divisions. One option he’s seriously considering is moving the Orioles in the AL Central and moving the Nationals to Single A.

Ron Washington has tested positive for cocaine. The Rangers first suspected he had a problem after watching him snort the foul lines during the Seventh Inning Stretch.

Derrick Coleman has filed for bankruptcy. Financial, as well as moral. The former All-Star reportedly owes 99 creditors including American Express, Comerica and 75 different donut shops.

A three-game series between the Mets and Marlins has been moved from Miami to Puerto Rico. It’s unlikely anyone will be able to tell the difference.

Michael Jordan says he plans to run the Charlotte Bobcats his way… from Chicago. Jordan has called owning the Charlotte Bobcats a dream come true. After all, who doesn’t dream of owning a losing franchise that’s hemorrhaging money?

Chad Henne believes Tim Tebow is a second-rate quarterback. It takes one to know one.

According to a new study the odds a professional soccer player will be injured during a game are 1 in 75. And the odds that anyone in America will care are 1 in 75 million.

Ohio State’s Jim Tressel has become the first NCAA football coach to give an interview to a gay publication. Why do we get the sense that the discussion was mostly about tight ends?

The New York Police Department is looking for a suspect who looks just like Mariano Rivera. The Mets have offered to help on the off chance that he also PITCHES just like Mariano Rivera.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Oakland A’s are thinking of relocating to San Jose. The only question that remains is whether anyone in Oakland will actually notice.

The New Jersey Nets have reached a deal to move their regular-season games to Newark's Prudential Center. Apparently the Hoboken Sportsplex was already booked.

The New York Knicks have now traded enough players, waived enough assets and cleared enough salary cap room to acquire LeBron James. In fact, the only thing they haven’t done is given him a team worth joining.

Tiger Woods says he still loves his wife very much. Well sure, he’d say anything to get his three iron back.

Johan Santana recently told reporters he’s the best pitcher in the National League. And the most humble.

Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld has said that Gilbert Arenas will stay in Washington. Mainly because his ankle bracelet beeps every time he tries to leave.

Pau Gasol believes Kevin Garnett is extremely limited. And we believe Gasol’s lifespan may be extremely limited once Garnett finds out.

Serena Williams has enrolled in a 240-hour program to become a certified nail technician. It’s nice to know she’ll have something to fall back on in case this whole tennis thing doesn’t pan out.

An al-Qaida-linked guerrilla group has been threatening several teams at the men’s field hockey World Cup. It’s nice to know that at least someone is following the sport.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman says he’s surprised Johnny Damon is going to Detroit. In fact, ANYONE who’s been to Detroit is surprised he’s going there.

Ozzie Guillen has agreed to be the subject of a reality show this season. Censors are standing by.

The inventor of the Frisbee has died at the age of 90. Mourners plan to throw his body over an open field before being burying it later this week.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Vanilla Ice recently performed at halftime of a Nets-Raptors game. Haven’t those poor fans already suffered enough?

Tom Watson believes Tiger Woods needs to show some humility when he returns to golf. Watson noted it would also help if Woods doesn’t try to bone every woman in sight.

A game between the Atlanta Hawks and Washington Wizards was postponed because of a massive blizzard. Apparently God really is merciful.

Danica Patrick was repeatedly bumped from the front, side and back at her first stockcar event. And that was before she even made it onto the track.

Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith were both reduced to tears at their Hall of Fame induction ceremony. You’d cry too if you were in a club that included Michael Irvin.

Several of Tyreke Evans’ teammates believe he hogs the ball. The news has come as a shock to Evans who didn’t realize he HAD teammates.

Donald Sterling has allegedly reached out to Isiah Thomas to run the Clippers… into the ground.

Chris Paul will be on crutches for three weeks following knee surgery. Sadly, he’ll still be more mobile than Emeka Okafor.

The demolition of Giants Stadium is now underway. The event has attracted little attention since New York sports fans are accustomed to huge collapses.

The British Olympic Ski and Snowboard Federation has gone bankrupt. That’s what happens when you have to travel 10,000 miles just to find snow.

Pau Gasol is reportedly frustrated by his lack of touches. We’re not sure whether that’s an issue for Lakers management or for his wife

Brandon Roy, Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Garnett, Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant could all miss the NBA All-Star Game. Things are so bleak that the commissioner now has Pops Mensah-Bonsu on speed dial.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly has announced that he’s decided to stop drinking beer. In related news, Anheuser-Busch plans to lay off 10,000 employees later today.

Kenny Lofton has been named to the Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame. Or, as we like to call it, the loneliest place on Earth.

The Pittsburgh Pirates plan to put a statue of Bill Mazeroski outside PNC Park. It will go right next to the statue of Ian Snell, the last Pirates pitcher to post an ERA below 6.00.

Michael Phelps was spotted giving an attractive woman a shoulder rub at a poker tournament. It’s nice to hear someone is picking up Tiger Woods’ slack.

Several teams are reportedly interested in J.J. Redick. Unfortunately for him they all play in the ACC.

Mike D'Antoni has revealed that the Knicks are looking to make a major trade. And if D’Antoni has his way, he’ll be the first one to go.

Dr. J has put his Utah mansion on the market for $2.25 million. The 6,572-square foot villa has five bedrooms, five bathrooms and doorframes high enough to accommodate even the largest of afros.

Randy Winn has signed a $2 million deal with the Yankees. It might just be the cheapest win New York gets all year long.

Prince Fielder says he hopes to spend the rest of his career in Milwaukee. After all, it’s the only city in the U.S. where he’s actually considered svelte.

Rex Ryan has apologized for making an obscene gesture at a mixed martial arts fight. God knows, you wouldn’t want to debase a classy event like that.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods is reportedly making great strides at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi. In fact, doctors already have reduced him to just nine holes a day.

The Saints beat the Vikings 31-28 in overtime. The game had almost as many twists and turns as a Brett Favre retirement announcement.

NASCAR is relaxing its rules to allow drivers to initiate more contact and reach higher speeds. In other words, they’ll now be allowed to drive just like Lindsay Lohan.

Mets are interested in Chien-Ming Wang. The veteran hurler has everything they look for in a pitcher: superb velocity, excellent command and an uncanny knack for getting injured every three days.

Clay Bennett has agreed to pay former SuperSonics season-ticket holders $1.6 million for removing the team from Seattle. In related news, Bruce Ratner has agreed to pay Nets season-ticket holders $17 million for KEEPING the team in New Jersey.

Glen Davis has been fined $25,000 for swearing at a fan who called him fat. Sadly, Davis was going to use that money to buy breakfast.

Allen Iverson has been named a starter in the NBA All-Star game. It’s an impressive feat considering he’s barely a starter on his own team.

Ron Artest has plantar fasciitis. It could be worse: he could have to spell it.

Major League Baseball has agreed to move a three-game series between the Mets and Marlins to San Juan. Sadly, both teams will be allowed to return once the series is over.

A sports promoter in Georgia is starting a basketball league exclusively for white players. Adam Morrison is thrilled.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Only 2,600 fans showed up to watch the Clippers beat the Sixers in Philadelphia. You know you’re struggling when your attendance is half the size of Allen Iverson’s posse.

At least three teams remain interested in Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley - the Rays, the Rangers and a team of psychologists.

Gregg Popovich has picked up his 700th career victory. In all fairness, 500 of those wins have come against the Nets.

Greg Oden believes he can still return this season. The news comes as a surprise to many observers who assumed Oden hurt his knee, not his brain.

Kentucky freshman John Wall has the entire nation buzzing about his pro prospects. Now comes the hard part: playing well enough to win an NCAA championship, but not so well that he gets drafted by the Nets.

A Russian billionaire has moved a step closer to owning the New Jersey Nets. He’s also moved a step closer to becoming a Russian millionaire.

The entire nation of Sweden is reportedly angry at Tiger Woods. Sure it doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but just wait until he has to start buying all of his replacement furniture at Ikea.

A new poll has found that 92 percent of all NFL players believe Roger Goodell is doing an excellent job. The other 8 percent play for the Lions.

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem believes the Tour can survive without Tiger Woods. Sure, but can Tiger Woods survive without the Tour’s groupies?

Diminutive guard Nate Robinson has now sat out nine straight games. On the positive side, at least he’s not blocking anyone’s view.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.