Monday, February 16, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The West throttled the East 146-119 at the NBA’s All-Star Game. Thankfully the only one harmed was the clown Craig Sager killed for his outfit.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. Suddenly peace in the Middle East doesn’t seem so far off.

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. You know your popularity is plummeting when not even bureaucrats want to spend time with you.

In related news, the University of Miami is going ahead with plans to name their new baseball complex Alex Rodriguez Stadium. Apparently Arrogant Roid Monkey Field wouldn’t fit on the signage.

Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg doesn’t appear to be taking the letter seriously since it was written with Alphaghetti.

Elgin Baylor is suing the Los Angeles Clippers for employment discrimination. Let’s hope for their sake they’re a little better in a court than they are on one.

A man has been sentenced to jail after impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected the man was a fraud after noticing he consumed only 10,000 calories per meal.

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. The venerable old building hasn’t seen a display that offensive since the Knick’s last home game.

Mike Tyson plans to publish a tell-all memoir. It promises to be the first book ever written entirely in monosyllables.

Former pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd is interested in returning to the Major Leagues. It’s an ambitious plan for a man who’s so old he took his driver’s test on a dinosaur.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Wow, and we thought admitting to steroids was pathetic.