Question of the Week

Shawn, Baton Rouge, LA
Subj: Hardwood heroes
If you had to select a starting five of fictional movie basketball players, who would you pick?

Superb question Shawn! After hours of careful deliberation I’ve managed to select a dream team of five fictional ballers. Some of their movies may have stunk more than a beer and bratwurst fart but there’s simply no arguing with their skills on the hardwood.

PG - Calvin Cambridge (Bow Wow - Like Mike) So what if he’s smaller than Spud Webb’s jockstrap? Calvin Cambridge is pound-for-pound the finest basketball player on the planet.
SG - Jesus Shuttleworth (Ray Allen – He Got Game) One of the most heavily recruited players in college history, Jesus has an inside-out game that’s smoother than a Barry White pick-up line.
SF - Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis - Hoosiers) The finest pure shooter to ever handle the rock, Chitwood’s range extends to a good ten feet outside any gymnasium.
PF - Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox - Teen Wolf) Imagine if Karl Malone and Big Foot had a love child and you’d have Scott Howard, a hairer-than-thou beast capable of reducing foes to shivering wrecks. Granted, his hairballs are an issue, but every superstar has his quirks.
C - Neon (Shaquille O’Neal - Blue Chips) Every team needs a fierce inside presence, which is why I’ve chosen Neon, a 7’1 man child with an unstoppable back-to-the-basket game. If Shaq was even half as mobile as his onscreen alter ego the Cavs would be undefeated.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

San Jose is interested in acquiring a professional basketball team. That rules out the Timberwolves.

Venezuelan authorities are scheduled to exhume the body of former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez. No word yet on when the Mets will make him a formal offer.

Michael Vick has agreed to star in an eight-part television series on BET. The show is part reality TV, part documentary and part America’s Most Wanted.

Stephon Marbury has rejected a one year, $1.3 million contract from the Boston Celtics feeling he deserves more. The only thing Marbury deserves is more scorn and more ridicule.

Al Jefferson reportedly wants to play for Team USA at the FIBA World Championship in August. Something tells us he probably isn’t the only Timberwolve who’s already looking beyond this season.

Jacques Rogge has been re-elected as president of the International Olympic Committee. Something tells us the vote probably wasn’t held in Chicago.

The Warriors defeated the Suns 104-101 in an outdoor exhibition game at the Indian Wells Tennis Garden. The score likely would have been much higher were it not for the fact the players kept on getting tangled up in the net at half court.

The Brewers are telling teams they have no intention of shopping Prince Fielder. That’s a shame, because they could make a fortune if they sold him by the pound.

LeBron James and Shaquille O’Neal say they both want the same thing this season. And that’s to avoid being shot by Delonte West.

The Warriors say they’re in no rush to trade disgruntled guard Stephen Jackson. That’s quite a coincidence since the rest of the league is in no rush to acquire him.

Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor says he doesn't regret wearing Michael Vick's name in his eye black. However, he does regret asking Michael Vick to look after his cocker spaniel for the weekend.

Question of the Week

Jeremy, Big Bear City, CA
Subj: Weighty concerns
Is it just my imagination or are NBA players a lot larger than they were back in the 1980’s?

According to data collected by the league, NBA players are simultaneously shrinking and packing on more weight. Back in 1985-86 the average NBA player was 6’7” and weighed 214 pounds. By comparison, today’s average player is 6’6” and weighs 221 pounds. Most analysts attribute the change to improved weight training methods but I personally blame Shaquille O’Neal and his 400 pounds for inflating the stats.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Prince Fielder, Ozzie Guillen, the Pittsburgh Pirates, Anderson Varejao, Shaquille O’Neal, Mark Cuban, Lance Armstrong and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Question of the Week

Dave, Seattle, WA
Subj: Better athletes
Ryan, I am an Exercise Physiologist in the Seattle area and am having an ongoing debate with a client. Which group of top professional athletes are the most overall athletic: basketball players or soccer players? I have searched far and wide for stats.

ABC came close to settling this debate in the 1970s when they first broadcast Superstars, a highly entertaining program that pitted jocks against one another in a series of athletic challenges. Although the show featured stars from various sports, the athletes that won most often were soccer players. Kyle Rote Jr., for instance, won the competition in 1974, 1976 and 1977 and Canadian soccer player Brian Budd was so dominant during the ensuing World Superstars spin-off that he was asked not to return after winning the event three straight years. The dominance of soccer players over other jocks - and basketball players in particular - makes sense when you think about it. After all, soccer games are longer than basketball games (90 minutes vs. 48 minutes), there are fewer breaks in action, substitutions occur far less frequently and the playing surface is considerably larger (180 feet x 300 feet vs. 94 feet x 50 feet). Since soccer fields are so large the typical footballer runs over seven miles a game, which is more than a hoops star like Eddie Curry or Shaquille O’Neal probably runs in an entire week. I have no doubt that basketball players possess unique skills that allow them to excel at their own sport, but at the end of the day soccer players are in far better cardiovascular shape and are more likely to excel at a wider range of athletic pursuits.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shaquille O’Neal will miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993. Judging by his current weight that’s also the last time he missed a meal.

Renovations to Wrigley Field have been temporarily stalled. Luckily the Cubs should have plenty of time to work on the stadium in October when it’s completely vacant.

The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It’s the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don’t want to live to see the seventh inning.

Ricky Rubio’s family is reportedly in favor of him entering the NBA draft this year. Obviously Ricky Rubio’s family has never seen the Sacramento Kings.

Darko Milicic has said he would like to play in Greece... or anywhere else where fans don't know he was picked ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwayne Wade.

Many Scots are turning to a brand new sport called Extreme Sheepherding. Of course, the truly extreme part is what they do to the sheep once they actually catch them.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. Both of the team’s fans are delighted.

Andrew Bynum had 16 points in his return with the Lakers. The last time he scored that easily was at the Playboy Mansion.

St. Louis ace Chris Carpenter threw a one-hitter in a dazzling start against Pittsburgh. And just like that, the Pirates have used up all of their hits for the season.

Five Chinese swimmers have been banned two years each for doping with a powerful horse drug. When asked for a comment, all five swimmers responded "Neigh."

Boston University staged a miracle rally by scoring two goals in the final minute to win the NCAA Hockey Championship. Of course, the real miracle is that we're even discussing college hockey.

Roger Federer recently married longtime girlfriend Mirka Vavrinec. It's a risky proposition since love means nothing to him.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The West throttled the East 146-119 at the NBA’s All-Star Game. Thankfully the only one harmed was the clown Craig Sager killed for his outfit.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. Suddenly peace in the Middle East doesn’t seem so far off.

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. You know your popularity is plummeting when not even bureaucrats want to spend time with you.

In related news, the University of Miami is going ahead with plans to name their new baseball complex Alex Rodriguez Stadium. Apparently Arrogant Roid Monkey Field wouldn’t fit on the signage.

Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg doesn’t appear to be taking the letter seriously since it was written with Alphaghetti.

Elgin Baylor is suing the Los Angeles Clippers for employment discrimination. Let’s hope for their sake they’re a little better in a court than they are on one.

A man has been sentenced to jail after impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected the man was a fraud after noticing he consumed only 10,000 calories per meal.

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. The venerable old building hasn’t seen a display that offensive since the Knick’s last home game.

Mike Tyson plans to publish a tell-all memoir. It promises to be the first book ever written entirely in monosyllables.

Former pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd is interested in returning to the Major Leagues. It’s an ambitious plan for a man who’s so old he took his driver’s test on a dinosaur.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Wow, and we thought admitting to steroids was pathetic.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Pistons have lost five of their last six games. Apparently the city’s auto makers aren’t the only ones struggling to put together a good quarter.

Jeff Van Gundy has said he doesn't see himself back on the bench any time soon. After all, why go to the NBA when he already has a steady gig playing Uncle Fester at birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

The New Jersey Institute of Technology finally snapped a 51 game losing streak with a 61-51 victory over Bryant. Of course, the real surprise is that Bryant managed to score 51 points all on his own.

Shaquille O’Neal says he’s feeling better than ever because of his new regime of ballet-like exercises. Unfortunately the same can’t be said of the poor guy in charge of lifting him off the ground.

Knicks center Jerome James will miss the rest of the season with a ruptured right Achilles' tendon. James has blamed the injury on trying to eat more than he could lift.

The City of Detroit has approved a $27 million plan to preserve Tiger Stadium. It’s nice to hear that the Detroit Lions aren’t the only useless relics the city is willing to support.

NBA owners have reversed a longtime ban on serving hard liquor during live games. That’s certainly one way of making the Clippers more watchable.

Dennis Rodman has signed on to join a cast of midgets in a new basketball movie called The Minis. Oddly enough, it still sounds much more dignified than making another film with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Las Vegas bookies have picked the New York Yankees as the odds on favorites to win the 2009 World Series. Then again, these are the same bookies that also picked the Arizona Cardinals to finish the season playing in the Pac-10.

The New York Mets have signed outfielders Ryan Church and Angel Pagan to one-year contracts. Maybe now the team will actually have a prayer of getting into the post season.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they’ll wear their white pants for Super Bowl XLIII. And because they’re in Florida, they also plan on hiking them all the way up to their nipples.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sales of Plaxico Burress' No. 17 jersey have fallen off by 75% over the past month. It’s a huge drop off from a year ago when his replica jerseys were as hot as a pistol.

The Chicago Cubs have signed Aaron Miles to a two-year contract. The Cubbies decided to acquire the veteran infielder after hearing they were still Miles away from contending for a World Series title.

John Daly has been suspended for six months by the PGA tour. It sounds like he finally discovered the “A” in PGA doesn’t stand for “alcohol.”

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Winter Classic. It’s nice to know the Cubs aren’t the only Chicago franchise capable of losing big at Wrigley.

A construction worker at the new Yankee Stadium was taken to a hospital after falling off a mobile scaffold. Yankees fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since last August.

CBS Sports has hired Tom Arnold to star in a new web series about heckling. It’s the perfect project for a man who’s been called every name in the book.

The NHL Network recently aired a segment featuring the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking on a yacht in their bikinis. The two minute clip has been blamed for already causing 10,000 spontaneous cases of high sticking.

A Portland man was arrested after police found him driving a Zamboni erratically at a local arena. The driver has since been sentenced to 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

Boston College knocked off top-ranked North Carolina with a stirring 85-78 victory in Chapel Hill. The outcome was so shocking that Tyler Hansbrough nearly blinked.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly natural to have man-boobs the size of watermelons.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Talking Points - Shaq Attack

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine Shaq’s rap, Pacman Jones’ new identity and the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. Read all about it here.

Ask Ryan - The Devils Made Them Do It

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like adult movies and synthesizers. This week’s mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about NCAA graduation rates, the history of the Sun Devils and Jose Canseco’s latest literary masterpiece. Read all about it here.

Ask Ryan - Tales From The Charity Stripe

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like spring training and false hope. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the smartest guy in professional sports, the NBA's worst free throw shooter and the strongest man in the NFL. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison and 800 hours of community service. However, with her speed Jones should be able to do it in half the time.

The Atlanta Hawks and Miami Heat must replay the final 51.9 seconds of their game last month because the official scorer ruled incorrectly that Shaquille O'Neal had fouled out. Unfortunately for the Heat, the do-over applies only to the one game and not their entire season.

Golf Channel has suspended anchor Kelly Tilghman after she suggested players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” In retrospect, Tilghman later admitted that taking a metal pipe to his knee would be much more effective.

The Olympic torch relay will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square on the eve of the Beijing Games. The appearance has been scheduled to coincide with the launch of the game’s latest Olympic event: tank dodging.

More than 30 people have already forwarded their resumes for the position of head football coach at the University of Hawaii. The applicants run the gamut from highly qualified former NFL coaches to guys who are just desperate to get leid.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to conquer Mount Everest, has died at the age of 88. Why did he walk towards the light? Because it was there.

Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Of course, they used to say the same thing about plague victims and lepers too.

Curt Schilling has announced he will oversee the development massively multiplayer role-playing game when he retires. It sounds like the perfect second career for someone who’s always excelled at pushing other people’s buttons.

Adriano Bastos raced to his fourth straight victory in the Walt Disney World Marathon. The Brazilian runner was so dominant that he finished a full half hour before his next closest competitors, Goofy and Pluto.

Ask Ryan - Green With Envy

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Bill Walton and long-winded monologues. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the worst team in NFL history, Beantown's sporting supremacy and George Steinbrenner's brand new high school. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7587476