Monday, January 14, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison and 800 hours of community service. However, with her speed Jones should be able to do it in half the time.

The Atlanta Hawks and Miami Heat must replay the final 51.9 seconds of their game last month because the official scorer ruled incorrectly that Shaquille O'Neal had fouled out. Unfortunately for the Heat, the do-over applies only to the one game and not their entire season.

Golf Channel has suspended anchor Kelly Tilghman after she suggested players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” In retrospect, Tilghman later admitted that taking a metal pipe to his knee would be much more effective.

The Olympic torch relay will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square on the eve of the Beijing Games. The appearance has been scheduled to coincide with the launch of the game’s latest Olympic event: tank dodging.

More than 30 people have already forwarded their resumes for the position of head football coach at the University of Hawaii. The applicants run the gamut from highly qualified former NFL coaches to guys who are just desperate to get leid.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to conquer Mount Everest, has died at the age of 88. Why did he walk towards the light? Because it was there.

Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Of course, they used to say the same thing about plague victims and lepers too.

Curt Schilling has announced he will oversee the development massively multiplayer role-playing game when he retires. It sounds like the perfect second career for someone who’s always excelled at pushing other people’s buttons.

Adriano Bastos raced to his fourth straight victory in the Walt Disney World Marathon. The Brazilian runner was so dominant that he finished a full half hour before his next closest competitors, Goofy and Pluto.