You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Reds sent a letter to their fans apologizing for the team's play this season. Fittingly, the one page memo was riddled with errors.

Carl Pavano won his first game all season in a convincing 5-3 victory over the Orioles. The veteran righthander looked so impressive that Alyssa Milano might even start returning his calls.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps plans to write a book recounting the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims. The book is tentatively titled “Suck It, France.”

Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury. The loss is being hailed as a godsend by sports writers who can now go a full year without having to spell his name.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still making contact when he swings.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise’s first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team’s current roster, it might be the only big “W” they see all season.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England’s entry at the Little League World Series. It’s uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find someone to take Julio Lugo off his hands.

Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar is out for the season with a bruised right rib cage. Kansas City is devastated since the city has always been known for the quality of its ribs.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise yesterday, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. The fiery announcement came as a surprise to many basketball fans who didn’t even realize that Washington had a WNBA team.

Former NBA superstar Charles Barkley will reportedly undergo a televised colonoscopy. Given his girth the procedure is expected to be turned into a ten-part mini-series.

Kurt Warner has been named Arizona’s starting quarterback ahead of Matt Leinart. Leinart is expected to be devastated as soon as he sobers up.

The Jamaican women spoiled the country's shot at sweeping the Olympic sprints following a flubbed baton handoff. You just know that never would have happened if they had been passing a joint.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, two years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It’s hard to say what’s more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. Actually, they're just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

Two University of Nebraska wrestlers were kicked off the team after their nude photos appeared on a prominent gay porn site. The story has gotten so much publicity that the team may be forced to change their name from the Cornhuskers to the Cornholers.

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama has told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. In related news, John McCain could use a little help getting in and out of the bathtub if anyone is available at 7:00 am tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick’s personal lawyer has been charged with securities fraud and accused of swindling $500,000 from church members. Evidentially authorities were unimpressed with his defense that God helps those who help themselves.

Stephon Marbury has announced that he plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be misunderstood in a whole new language.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn’t decide what color crayon to use.

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he’s psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he’s referring to the team and not to the line of tank-piercing weapons.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their third child. It’s believed to be the first time in months an NBA player has knocked up a woman without a paternity suit being involved.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The U.S. won bronze in men’s gymnastics. Of course, the only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you’re a male gymnast in the first place.

Michael Phelps is 5 for 5 after another record breaking swim in the 4 x 200. Phelps is doing so well that his coach plans to reward him by throwing him two extra mackerel from his big pail of fish.

China beat the U.S. to win gold in women’s gymnastics. The team’s members are now free to concentrate on their next challenge of hitting puberty.

Benjamin Boukpeti helped Togo win its first ever Olympic medal by picking up a surprise bronze in the men’s slalom kayak event. Now all Boukpeti has to do is learn how to fire an arrow, throw a javelin and ride a horse to help Togo catch up to America in the overall medal standings.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. Insiders are still amazed that Dunn could be had for a single Buck.

Kenny Chesney recently strapped on the pads and took part in a New Orleans Saints football practice. Chesney’s appearance left many players awestruck, since they had never played with someone who had made a meaningful hit.

The Red Sox have called up knuckleballer Charlie Zink from their Triple A affiliate in Pawtucket. It’s uncertain who Boston will promote next now that they’ve worked their way through the entire alphabet.

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. No word yet on how this will affect the team’s three fans.

The Bucks are looking to acquire point guard Luke Ridnour in a trade involving three different teams. There’s nothing like being involved in a three-way to take the edge off of moving to Milwaukee.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It’s a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A-Rod’s wife has filed for a divorce, claiming that Rodriguez has "abandoned” her. Now she knows how the Yankees feel every September.

The San Antonio Spurs have asked Manu Ginobili to not play in this summer’s Olympics. Coincidentally, so has the U.S. team.

The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds’ head must be swelling with pride… or steroids, one or the other.

John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by hitting a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there’s one thing Daly knows how to do, it’s drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.

Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried today at Sanford Stadium after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don’t collapse until much later in the season.

Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea… if you speak Spanish.

U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year’s Olympians are not going to Beijing “to sell shoes.” Indeed, they’re going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.

George W. Bush has announced he will attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing. The President should be right at home in the city since he’s used to being in a constant haze.

Rotund Celtics forward Glen “Big Baby” Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas... all the way from Florida.

The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. The Georgetown product was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.

Good news and bad news for Notre Dame football boosters. The good news is coach Charlie Weis is privately projecting anywhere from nine to 12 victories for his team this year. The bas news is he’s also projecting a 100-game schedule.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released a fan code of conduct stating that standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans is not allowed at Arrowhead Stadium. Luckily that shouldn’t be a problem since the Chiefs rarely gives their fans any reason to stand up and cheer.

Talking Points - Shaq Attack

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine Shaq’s rap, Pacman Jones’ new identity and the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. Read all about it here.

Question of the Week

Lance, Flushing, NY
Subj: King of the hill
Hey Ryan, what’s America’s most recognizable sports brand? I say it’s the Yankees, but my friend says it’s the Celtics. Can you solve our argument once and for all?

I’m afraid you’re both wrong, Lance. According to a new consumer survey conducted by the good folks at Keleman Associates, the planet’s most recognizable sporting brand is ESPN, which was identified by 97% of Americans age 12 and older. Rounding out the list were the Olympics (89%), the NFL (85%), Gatorade (83%), Nike (82%) and the NHL, which was recognized only by a pair of toothless Canadian seal hunters.

Talking Points - Blades of Glory

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I’ll examine the Chicago Bulls’ unlikely postseason victory, Jose Canseco’s fledging boxing career and Oscar Pistorius’ pursuit of Olympic gold. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Yankees employees have unearthed a tattered and torn Red Sox jersey that was buried beneath the new stadium’s concrete. The shirt had so many holes in it that observers first mistook it for the Yankees pitching staff.

Browns wide receiver Joe Jurevicius has become the sixth Browns player in four years to suffer a major staph infection. At least the Browns are finally leading the NFL in something.

Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain has left the team to be with his ailing father in Nebraska. Perhaps his father would feel better if he didn’t insist on watching the Yankees.

Greg Maddux posted his 349th career victory in a 1-0 win over the Dodgers. It’s an impressive feat for a man whose fastball is so slow it takes three innings just to get to home plate.

It appears as though Larry Krystkowiak’s days in Milwaukee could be numbered. Luckily the Bucks coach can always sell a few vowels if times get tough.

Federal authorities are investigating a former Cowboys offensive lineman for allegedly distributing steroids. Officials hope to wrap up the case shortly so they can return to their regular job of keeping an eye on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Former first baseman Bill Buckner received a warm reception from Boston fans this week during a visit to Fenway Park. It’s easy to cheer a guy when the only things going between his legs are a bucket of popcorn and a beer.

China has uncovered a plot by members of a Muslim minority group to sabotage the Beijing Summer Olympics. It remains to be seen how they could do a better job undermining the Olympics than China has already done.

Brett Favre has suggested he may return to the Green Bay Packers if quarterback Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury. In related news, John Madden was spotted in Rodgers’ house placing hundreds of tiny marbles at the top of his staircase.

Minnesota Vikings great Carl Eller has been charged with assault on a police officer, impaired driving and making terroristic threats. Or as the Bengals call it, a trifecta!

Milwaukee Bucks forward Desmond Mason has gone on record claiming his team needs to work on their chemistry. Based on the way Milwaukee have been shooting they may also want to work on their physics.

A new batch of emails suggests the Seattle SuperSonics may have been talking to Oklahoma City as early as 2007 about possible relocation plans. The news comes as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize Oklahoma City even had electricity.

Ask Ryan - Sly As A Fox

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Chris Henry and ankle monitors. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NBA's top-selling jersey, the NCAA's fastest rising star and Matthew's Fox's football career. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison and 800 hours of community service. However, with her speed Jones should be able to do it in half the time.

The Atlanta Hawks and Miami Heat must replay the final 51.9 seconds of their game last month because the official scorer ruled incorrectly that Shaquille O'Neal had fouled out. Unfortunately for the Heat, the do-over applies only to the one game and not their entire season.

Golf Channel has suspended anchor Kelly Tilghman after she suggested players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” In retrospect, Tilghman later admitted that taking a metal pipe to his knee would be much more effective.

The Olympic torch relay will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square on the eve of the Beijing Games. The appearance has been scheduled to coincide with the launch of the game’s latest Olympic event: tank dodging.

More than 30 people have already forwarded their resumes for the position of head football coach at the University of Hawaii. The applicants run the gamut from highly qualified former NFL coaches to guys who are just desperate to get leid.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to conquer Mount Everest, has died at the age of 88. Why did he walk towards the light? Because it was there.

Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Of course, they used to say the same thing about plague victims and lepers too.

Curt Schilling has announced he will oversee the development massively multiplayer role-playing game when he retires. It sounds like the perfect second career for someone who’s always excelled at pushing other people’s buttons.

Adriano Bastos raced to his fourth straight victory in the Walt Disney World Marathon. The Brazilian runner was so dominant that he finished a full half hour before his next closest competitors, Goofy and Pluto.