You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lindsay Lohan recently told reporters that she’s a huge fan of Formula One. In all fairness, Lindsay Lohan is a huge fan of anything with a cockpit.

David Wells has criticized the Yankees over their handling of Joba Chamberlain. And if there’s one thing Wells knows it’s how to handle a boozing, overweight pitcher.

A judge has allowed a man to be temporarily released from jail so he can see the Red Sox play the Royals. In the end, the judge felt watching Kansas City play nine innings was equivalent to at least two years in prison.

The Nationals have become the first team in the Major Leagues to lose 100 games. The accomplishment is especially impressive since they’ve only played 95.

The Timberwolves are trying to trade backup center Mark Blount. Anyone with a bag of basketballs or a jug of Gatorade is encouraged to inquire within.

Bobby Cox has agreed to a one-year contract for 2010. Apparently the Internet isn’t the only place where you can get a Cox extension.

Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams has been fined $12,500 for kicking two New York Giants. In his defense, you’d probably have some anger issues too if your parents named you Flozell.

Russia’s wealthiest man has struck a deal to buy the New Jersey Nets. Apparently being the wealthiest man in Russia isn’t the same thing as being the smartest man in Russia.

Michael Vick recently admitted he thought he’d return as a starter. Those who understand karma thought he’s return as a dung beetle.

Delonte West is expected to join the Cavaliers after being arrested for carrying two concealed handguns and a shotgun. That’s just what the team needs, another shoot-first point guard.

Question of the Week

Jeremy, Big Bear City, CA
Subj: Weighty concerns
Is it just my imagination or are NBA players a lot larger than they were back in the 1980’s?

According to data collected by the league, NBA players are simultaneously shrinking and packing on more weight. Back in 1985-86 the average NBA player was 6’7” and weighed 214 pounds. By comparison, today’s average player is 6’6” and weighs 221 pounds. Most analysts attribute the change to improved weight training methods but I personally blame Shaquille O’Neal and his 400 pounds for inflating the stats.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Houston Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson has been fined $25,000 by the team for writing a message on his shoes. $1,000 was for the content of the message and $24,000 was for being too stupid to know about Twitter.

Desmond Mason has received a one-year deal with the Sacramento Kings… although we’re sure it will feel like five.

A 73-year-old waiter is suing the Yankees claiming he was replaced by a younger worker with a smaller salary. Come on, when have the Yankees ever tried to get younger?

Lamar Odom is planning on marrying Khloe Kardashian. Surely there has to be an easier way of getting a reality show than that.

Recovering alcoholic Theo Fleury scored the winning goal in his first NHL game in six years. It’s amazing how much easier hockey becomes when you see one net rather than three.

The Hooters Swimsuit Pageant took place this weekend in Ft. Lauderdale. We haven’t seen that many big boobs together since the last time the Mets took the field.

Cleveland guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun. This probably isn’t what the Cavs had in mind when they asked him to improve his shooting in the off season.

Roger Clemens has taken to posting on Twitter to stay in touch with his fans. Both of them.

Chad Ochocinco leapt into the crowd at Lambeau Stadium after scoring a touchdown against the Packers. Morticians are hoping to piece together his remains shortly.

HBO plans to retool Joe Buck’s talk show. No word yet on which tool will replace him.

Backup QG Jeff Garcia is back in the NFL. And more importantly, so is his wife.

A Russian billionaire is interested in buying the New Jersey Nets. Apparently he’s also interested in becoming a Russian millionaire.

Mike Tyson's Top Ten KOs

Mike Tyson wasn’t always crazier than a soup sandwich. Long before he began biting off body parts and using his face as a canvas for tattoos, Iron Mike was the world’s most punishing pugilist. His vicious uppercuts sent fighters to the mat with breathtaking ease while his hellacious haymakers connected with the force of a thousand sledgehammers. Get ready to rumble as I proudly present my top 10 Mike Tyson KOs here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A new study has found that Cheerleading accounts for 65% of all female catastrophic injuries in high school and college. As if that weren’t bad enough, it also accounts for nearly 100% of the carpal tunnel cases among teenage boys.

O.J. Simpson is reportedly depressed and despondent. He must have finally seen his performance in The Towering Inferno.

Tommy Lasorda will have his painting put up in the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery in Washington. At 82 years old, it might be the last chance he gets to be well hung.

Notre Dame will honor its 1940s teams at Saturday's game against Michigan State. Given their current fortunes, the Irish might want to see if some of those players are still eligible to play.

Blake Griffin is currently selling $35 baseball caps with the word "Work" embossed across the front. Ironically that’s precisely what Clippers employees will be looking for if Griffin doesn’t pan out.

Greg Ostertag has expressed interest in playing professional basketball again. That rules out the Knicks.

Famed amputee runner Oscar Pistorius has been charged with assault. When asked what happened Pistorius said he was stumped.

The NHL preseason has officially begun. We promise to wake you when it’s over.

No. 1 NBA draft pick Blake Griffin has been cleared to work out with the Los Angeles Clippers. The announcement comes as a surprise to many observers who had no idea the Clippers actually practiced.

The Yankees plan to cut prices on some of their most expensive tickets in 2010. Fans will now only have to sell one kidney in order to see a game.

The Eagles have released receiver Hank Baskett. It was an especially difficult decision for the team since it also meant parting ways with Kendra Wilkinson.

Question of the Week

Prince, Newark, NJ
Subj: NBA records
Who holds the NBA record for the highest scoring average in a single season?

That honor belongs to Wilt Chamberlain, who averaged 50.4 points per game for the Philadelphia Warriors during the 1961-1962 season. The Big Dipper was so dominant that year that he also led the league in minutes, field goals, free throws, rebounds and over-all player efficiency while becoming the first player in the history of professional basketball to score 100 points in a single game. Despite his brilliance, Wilt wasn’t even named the league’s MVP. That honor instead went to Celtics center Bill Russell who led Boston to their fourth consecutive championship while contributing a mere 16.9 points per game. Although the pair may have been intense rivals on the court they were best of friends off of it. Russell was especially saddened when Wilt passed away from congestive heart failure in 1999. "I feel unspeakably injured," Russell said at the time. "I've lost a dear and exceptional friend and an important part of my life. Our relationship was intensely personal. We had a genuinely fierce competition that was based on friendship and respect. We just loved playing against each other. The fierceness of the competition bonded us as friends for eternity."

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tony Gonzalez has become the 21st player in NFL history with 11,000 yards receiving. In all fairness, 10,000 of those yards came against the Lions.

Donovan McNabb has a broken rib. And here’s the real surprise; Michael Vick wasn’t the one who broke it.

The Minnesota Vikings have named Brett Favre a team captain. That’s certainly a lot nicer than what the Green Bay packers have named him.

Ben Roethlisberger’s accuser is demanding a list of every single woman he has ever had sex with. Given his spotty history, Roethlisberger might just want to provide her with the Pittsburgh phonebook.

Allen Iverson has said that his decision to join the Memphis Grizzlies was based upon a message from God. Luckily for him, God didn’t say anything about having to share the ball with Zach Randolph.

The New Jersey Nets recently unveiled a revamped design for their new arena in Brooklyn. The state of the art facility will have glass walls, a public plaza and ample seating for all seven of the team’s fans.

The IAAF has confirmed that South African runner Caster Semenya has male and female sex organs. On the positive side, her chances of getting a date on Saturday night have now doubled.

Kansas City starters Gil Meche and Brian Bannister are likely done for the rest of the season. The Royals did not disclose the exact nature of their injuries since nobody cared enough to ask.

Adrian Peterson was pumped full of emergency fluids following the second quarter of Minnesota’s game against Cleveland. Apparently Matt Leinart isn’t the only one who drinks during halftime.

Ryne Sandberg has expressed interest in becoming the Cubs’ next manager. Well, you have to start somewhere.

Question of the Week

Kyle, Lake Zurich, IL
Subj: That town that sports forgot
What’s the largest city in America without a major sports team?

That dubious distinction belongs to Austin, Texas, whose current population of 709,893 makes it the 16th biggest city in America. Incidentally, that’s considerably larger than cities like Seattle, Boston, Denver and Washington, all of which have at least three major sports teams. Luckily, Austinites still manage to enjoy their fair share of sporting events thanks to the University of Texas, which is conveniently located in the heart of the city. Austin is also home to a number of minor league franchises including the Toros, the Ice Bats, the Wranglers and the Round Rock Express.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Major League Baseball has fined Jonathan Papelbon $5,000 for his slow play. It’s the second time the Red Sox have been penalized this season after one of Tim Wakefield’s fastballs was fined $10,000 for taking three days to reach home plate.

Dennis Rodman recently attended the wedding of Ricky Williams. And here’s the really embarrassing part: he was wearing the same dress as the bride.

Bruce Bowen has announced he’s retiring from the NBA. Fortunately for him, anyone that dirty should have no problem transitioning into politics.

Michael Vick amassed just 61 total yards in three quarters of action against the Jets. In his defense, it’s not easy running away from linebackers when you have an electronic bracelet on your ankle.

Many pundits are predicting that Michael Vick could soon replace Donovan McNabb, despite the fact Vick is two inches shorter and 25 pounds lighter than the Eagles starting QB. As they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Curt Schilling has said he’s interested in the vacant Massachusetts senate seat once held by Edward M. Kennedy. Well sure, the empties under the seat are probably worth a small fortune.

Detroit Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell has been diagnosed with cancer. And here’s the real surprise; it wasn’t caused by watching the Tigers.

Veteran coach Lou Holtz has predicted Notre Dame will play in the BCS title game. Then again, Lou Holtz also predicted the South would win the Civil War.

The Nevada Supreme Court has denied O.J. Simpson's request to be let out of prison. What a shame. At the rate he’s going he’ll never be able to find his wife’s real killer.

Matthew Stafford has won the Lions' starting quarterback job. Sadly, it might be the only win he picks up all season.

The Rangers received some good news and bad news this week. The good news is slugger Josh Hamilton has received a second shot for the pinched nerve in his back. The bad news is it came from a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Nationals top draft pick Stephen Strasburg has vowed to avoid drinking Cristal, hanging out at clubs and hooking up with random women. It kind of makes you wonder why he became a professional athlete in the first place.

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre is now online. Learn more MMA’s most punishing pound-for-pound fighter by clicking here.

Question of the Week

Jackson, French Camp, CA
Subj: Simply the best
In your opinion, who is the fastest player in baseball history?

My vote goes to James “Cool Papa” Bell, a gifted outfielder who starred in the Negro Leagues from 1922 until 1946. Although most of his statistics have been lost to time, Bell claimed he once stole 175 bases in a single season, which would make him the most prolific base stealer in the history of the game. Bell was also famous among his contemporaries for frequently stealing two bases on a single pitch and he was said to be capable of running around the diamond in 12 seconds flat. By comparison, a modern-day speedster like Ichiro Suzuki has been clocked at 15 seconds. Former teammate and fellow Hall of Famer Satchel Paige may have put it best when he surmised "If Cool Papa had known about colleges or if colleges had known about Cool Papa, Jesse Owens would have looked like he was walking." That’s high praise indeed from a man who knew a thing or two about the game. Although Bell never had the opportunity to play in the Major Leagues he was instrumental in helping fellow Negro League stars Jackie Robinson and Monte Irvin break baseball’s notorious color line.