You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Pau Gasol has agreed to a three-year extension with Lakers. That’s good news for Pau Gasol and even better news for the blind guy who trims his beard.

Ron Artest suffered a concussion after falling down his stairs. Apparently the locker room isn’t the only place he drinks heavily.

Sarah Thomas has made history by becoming the first woman to officiate a college bowl game. It helps that there are 7,000 of them.

Clippers forward Blake Griffin has been cleared for tougher workouts. Now comes the hard part: finding a tougher team to work out with.

Roy Halladay has revealed that 16 professional baseball teams showed interest in signing him. 17 if you count the Mets.

Michael Vick has won the Ed Block Courage Award. Something tells us Ed Block was probably not a dog person.

Matt Capps has signed a one-year deal with the Washington Nationals. The veteran reliever will earn $3.5 million, or approximately $1.75 million for each save opportunity.

Eddie Guardado has signed a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. Of course, any contract with the Nationals is a minor league one.

Eddy Curry says he’s frustrated with his role on the Knicks. You’d be frustrated too if your role was to provide shade for your 11 teammates.

Rihanna is now dating Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. We always figured she’d end up with a guy who couldn’t hit.

Question of the Week

Tim, Kissimmee, FL
Subj: My life is the Pitts
Is it true that Brad Pitt used to be a pretty decent athlete?

That’s correct, Tim. Long before he was People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Brad Pitt was a basketball and tennis star at Kickapoo High School in Springfield, Missouri. Perhaps that’s why Roger Federer recently selected the Fight Club star when asked which actor he’d like to have portray him in a big screen adaptation of his life. "Brad Pitt did some tough movies and I'd like mine to be a tough movie too," Federer said. "Comedy would be fine too but I'm more a tough-guy movie kind of guy."

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Only 2,600 fans showed up to watch the Clippers beat the Sixers in Philadelphia. You know you’re struggling when your attendance is half the size of Allen Iverson’s posse.

At least three teams remain interested in Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley - the Rays, the Rangers and a team of psychologists.

Gregg Popovich has picked up his 700th career victory. In all fairness, 500 of those wins have come against the Nets.

Greg Oden believes he can still return this season. The news comes as a surprise to many observers who assumed Oden hurt his knee, not his brain.

Kentucky freshman John Wall has the entire nation buzzing about his pro prospects. Now comes the hard part: playing well enough to win an NCAA championship, but not so well that he gets drafted by the Nets.

A Russian billionaire has moved a step closer to owning the New Jersey Nets. He’s also moved a step closer to becoming a Russian millionaire.

The entire nation of Sweden is reportedly angry at Tiger Woods. Sure it doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but just wait until he has to start buying all of his replacement furniture at Ikea.

A new poll has found that 92 percent of all NFL players believe Roger Goodell is doing an excellent job. The other 8 percent play for the Lions.

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem believes the Tour can survive without Tiger Woods. Sure, but can Tiger Woods survive without the Tour’s groupies?

Diminutive guard Nate Robinson has now sat out nine straight games. On the positive side, at least he’s not blocking anyone’s view.

Question of the Week

Rodney, Spring, TX
Subj: Simply the best
How many basketball players have won an Olympic championship, an NBA championship and an NCAA championship?

Just seven. That small but illustrious fraternity includes Hall of Famers Clyde Lovelette, K.C. Jones, Bill Russell, Jerry Lucas, Quinn Buckner, Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. Incidentally, Johnson, Lucas and Buckner all developed winning traditions early in their careers by also capturing high school state championships.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

Question of the Week

James, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Subj: What’s left is right
Hey Ryan, there’s something I’ve always wondered about: why do baseball announcers refer to left-handed pitchers as “Southpaws”?

The term dates back to the late 1840’s when baseball architects discovered they could keep the setting sun out of batter’s eyes by building parks with home plate facing west, the outfield facing east, third base facing north and first base facing south. Naturally, this strategic configuration meant that left-handed pitchers would have their throwing arms facing south. Observant sportswriters picked up on the phenomenon and use of the newly minted word “southpaw” quickly spread from baseball to other popular sports like boxing.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

Question of the Week

John, Brooklyn, NY
Subj: Say it ain’t so Joe
Is it true that Joe Montana began his football career under false pretenses?

That’s correct John. By the time he was eight-years-old Montana was chomping at the bit to play organized football. There was just one problem: his town’s local peewee league didn’t allow players to suit up until they were nine, so his father lied on his registration form and enrolled his son a year earlier. Despite being younger – and smaller – than most of his teammates, Montana was named the team’s quarterback and he quickly impressed onlookers with his confidence and accuracy. His first coach, Carl Crawley, recalls watching Montana blossom into a first rate signal caller. "We ran a pro offense," Crawley says. "Joe would roll out. If the cornerback came off, he'd dump it off; if he stayed back, he'd keep going and pick up five or six yards. He was an amazingly accurate passer for a kid."