You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

USC is imposing sanctions on its basketball program for violating NCAA rules involving former player O.J. Mayo. The school decided not to punish Mayo directly since playing on the Memphis Grizzlies is punishment enough.

Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton reportedly drew guns on one another in the Wizards' locker room. Luckily for Crittenton, Arenas only takes ill-advised shots on the court.

The Wizards are close to trading Caron Butler and Mike James. In fact, Gilbert Arenas has even offered to pull the trigger on the deal.

Devin Harris estimates that 75 percent of all NBA players have weapons. Ironically only 50 percent of them have jump shots.

AT&T ended its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods, which is strange, since no one has reached out and touched more people than Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods’ wife has hired a private investigator to examine the extent of his wealth. If she wanted something probed she should have just hired Tiger Woods.

Braylon Edwards has pulled a page out of Joe Namath’s playbook by guaranteeing a Jets win. Up next? A sloppy makeout session with Suzy Kolber.

Blue Jays infielder Edwin Encarnacion was burned in the face during a fireworks mishap. All things considered he still looks far better than Sammy Sosa.

Eddy Curry recently missed practice with a stomach ailment. It’s still unclear which of his five stomachs was bothering him.

The Pacers have given up hope of trying to trade TJ Ford. Apparently the American auto industry isn’t the only group unable to move a Ford these days.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Pau Gasol has agreed to a three-year extension with Lakers. That’s good news for Pau Gasol and even better news for the blind guy who trims his beard.

Ron Artest suffered a concussion after falling down his stairs. Apparently the locker room isn’t the only place he drinks heavily.

Sarah Thomas has made history by becoming the first woman to officiate a college bowl game. It helps that there are 7,000 of them.

Clippers forward Blake Griffin has been cleared for tougher workouts. Now comes the hard part: finding a tougher team to work out with.

Roy Halladay has revealed that 16 professional baseball teams showed interest in signing him. 17 if you count the Mets.

Michael Vick has won the Ed Block Courage Award. Something tells us Ed Block was probably not a dog person.

Matt Capps has signed a one-year deal with the Washington Nationals. The veteran reliever will earn $3.5 million, or approximately $1.75 million for each save opportunity.

Eddie Guardado has signed a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. Of course, any contract with the Nationals is a minor league one.

Eddy Curry says he’s frustrated with his role on the Knicks. You’d be frustrated too if your role was to provide shade for your 11 teammates.

Rihanna is now dating Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. We always figured she’d end up with a guy who couldn’t hit.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Seattle bullpen coach John Wetteland has been hospitalized with a mental issue. Friends first suspected he was unstable when he accepted a job with the Mariners.

Stephen Jackson says he’s shocked the media has labeled him as a bad guy. We’re shocked the media finally got a story right.

The New Orleans Hornets have fired head coach Byron Scott. The move has shocked many insiders since Scott was also the team’s third best player.

Javon Walker reportedly wants out of Oakland. Then again, so do half of the city’s residents.

A diehard NASCAR fan has created a shrine to the sport using 46,693 Coors and Budweiser bottle caps. It’s amazing what you can do with a single afternoon of drinking.

Michael Vick says he’s happy to be with the Eagles. Then again, Michael Vick is just happy he no longer has to worry about getting shived every time he has a shower.

Browns coach Eric Mangini has refuted claims that he overworks his team. Based on Cleveland’s record, we’re inclined to believe him.

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis appears to be on the chopping block. We had no idea they made chopping blocks that big.

Kobe Bryant is reportedly nursing a sore right groin. Something tells us the Lakers won’t be sending him to Colorado for rehab.

Eddy Curry has reportedly lost another 10 pounds. If he loses 10 more Knicks officials can finally start measuring his weight on a bathroom scale rather than the Richter scale.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shaquille O’Neal and his wife are divorcing after seven years of marriage. If nothing else it should certainly make for an entertaining episode of Shaq Vs.

Hasheem Thabeet fractured his jaw after colliding with the head of Zach Randolph. Ironically, it’s the first time Randolph has used his head for anything in more than a decade.

Two students claim they were recently pushed by Michigan athletic director Bill Martin. It’s never a good sign when your AD has more fight in him than your football team.

The Phoenix Coyotes are interested in signing Chris Chelios. The club hopes the 47-year-old defenseman is just close enough to dementia to consider their offer.

Several members of the Golden State Warriors have said they’d like to see Stephen Jackson traded. Preferably to Siberia.

The Knicks are expecting Eddy Curry back on the court soon. Team officials are reinforcing the floorboards as we speak.

The Red Sox have agreed to a $5 million, two-year contract with Tim Wakefield. It’s a lucrative deal for a man whose fastball can be measured with a sundial.

Former Knick center Chris Dudley would like to become governor of Oregon. Let’s hope for his sake it doesn’t come down to a free throw shooting contest.

Sammy Sosa’s skin is now three shades lighter than it was during his playing days. You know your rejuvenation procedure was a failure when your wax figurine looks more lifelike than you do.

A federal appeals court has ruled that Michael Vick can keep $16 million in roster bonuses from the Atlanta Falcons. Let’s hope he doesn’t blow it all at the pet store.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Cleveland Browns are looking to get rid of Brady Quinn, and by the sounds of it, 90 percent of their female fan base.

A 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the history of the United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships. And yet, she’s still far younger than the hot dogs being sold at most bowling alleys across the U.S.

Michael Vick is reportedly shopping a post-prison reality show. Something tells us it probably won’t be on Animal Planet.

The Marlins beat the Nationals to improve to 11-1, making them the first team in Major League history to have more wins than fans.

Celine Dion is on the verge of buying the Montreal Canadiens, because apparently just ruining music for everyone wasn’t enough.

Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.

Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. Frankly, we had no idea high school teams were allowed to play against the Washington Nationals.

UConn big man Hasheem Thabeet has chosen to enter the NBA draft and will begin the process of interviewing agents soon. If the process is anything like his own interviews we imagine he’s in for a very awkward week.

The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Given their futility, they might want to start by picking another sport.

John Madden has announced his retirement after 30 years in the broadcast booth. In related news, Frank Caliendo is now available for yard work.

Eddy Curry plans to spend his summer in Motown in an attempt to lose weight. God knows, more than a few people have lost their appetite after seeing Detroit.