Monday, September 3, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Kick back and relax as you enjoy this special long weekend version of my Sports Shorts.

The Tampa City Council has denied permission to expand the sale of hard liquor throughout Raymond James Stadium. The decision clearly indicates that no one on the council has ever had to watch the Buccaneers play for an entire four quarters.

Thoroughbred trainer Patrick Biancone has been suspended for 15 days after one of his horses was found to have a prohibitive amount of caffeine in its system. Authorities first became suspicious after spotting the horse in a Starbucks drive-thru three times in the same week.

Former Harlem Globetrotters coach Russell Ellington is dead at the age of 69. A public funeral will be held later this week in which a bucket of Ellington’s ashes will be thrown in the face of a lucky fan.

Houston Rockets guard Rafer Alston has been released without bail after stabbing a man at a Manhattan nightspot. We should have seen this coming: Alston has always been a slasher.

The name of Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Bruce Gradkowski's has surfaced during a federal points-shaving investigation at his alma mater, Toledo. Not surprisingly, Gradkowski is actually Polish for Donaghy.

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem has confirmed that he hopes to begin drug testing in 2008. Maybe now the sport will finally be able to weed out those hard bodied freaks of nature like Phil Mickleson and John Daly.

David Beckham could miss the rest of the Los Angeles Galaxy's campaign after being diagnosed with a sprained right knee. On the positive side, the English superstar has given fans permission to continue ogling his wife until the end of the season.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have expressed interest in 16-year veteran center Dikembe Mutombo. Apparently the team would like to have a grandfather figure for LeBron James.

The NFL is launching a makeover of its red, white and blue shield logo. The league is reportedly creating a leaner, meaner version of the iconic symbol that will feature Michael Vick being torn apart by a pair of angry pitbulls.

NFL coaches Mike Nolan of the 49ers and Jack Del Rio of the Jaguars will wear Joseph Abboud brand suits at home games this year as part of a new deal with the high end clothier. Unfortunately for Bill Belichick, Joseph Abbound does not create oversized sweatshirts.

Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia were spotted taking in a match at the U.S. Open. It’s believed to be the first time the pair have experienced love together in more than a month.