Thursday, April 29, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Ice Cube thinks the Lakers will win the NBA championship. Then again, he also thought it was a good idea to star in Are We There Yet?

Tiger Woods has agreed to play at a pro-am at Quail Hollow. Organizers are hoping he makes it through the weekend before he discovers that the pro doesn’t stand for “prostitute.”

Tiger Woods has confessed to cheating with as many as 120 women. And that was just on Tuesday morning.

A new study has found that it takes Prince Fielder 21 seconds to round the bases after hitting a homerun. That’s probably because he always stops at second base to have a snack.

Santonio Holmes has acknowledged making mistakes in Pittsburgh. And the biggest mistake was actually buying property there.

J.R. Smith has criticized the Nuggets for their selfish play. That’s a little bit like Tiger Woods criticizing you for your infidelity.

Tito Ortiz has been arrested for assaulting Jenna Jameson. This could be the first time in years that a story involving Jameson doesn’t feature a happy ending.

Scott Sicko has signed a free agent contract with the Cowboys. It’s something of a homecoming for the tight end since Dallas already has a number of sickos on their roster.

Most experts expect to see Stephen Strasburg in Washington by June. You’d have to be an expert to want to watch the Nationals that late in the season.

The family of Abe Pollin is close to selling the Washington Wizards. Little is known about the potential buyer aside from the fact it’s someone completely unfamiliar with the NBA.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has apologized to Dez Bryant after asking if his mother was a prostitute. He also asked if he can have his $200 back.

China’s gymnastic team has been stripped of its bronze medal from the 2000 Olympics for using an underage girl. It sounds like China and Ben Roethlisberger have more in common than you’d think.

44-year-old kicker Jeff Feagles is expected to announce his retirement shortly. At his age he’s closer to kicking the bucket than he is to kicking a field goal.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of prolific Cameroonian striker Samuel Eto'o is now online. Learn more about this three-time African Footballer of the Year by clicking here.

Monday, April 26, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Twins have only made one error all year. Two if you count building an outdoor stadium in Minnesota.

The NBA is projecting a higher salary cap than expected. That’s especially good news for Gilbert Arenas, who could use all the bail money he can get his hands on.

The Cubs have sent Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen. Mainly because they can’t send him to the gallows.

Pitcher Stephen Strasburg has been promoted to AAA Syracuse. No word yet on when he’ll be demoted to the Nationals.

USA Swimming has unveiled a multi-step plan to eliminate rampant sexual misconduct within its ranks. Step #1: Stop inviting Ben Roethlisberger to its meets.

Pirates’ pitcher Chris Jakubauskas was recently hit in the head with a line drive. Great, now he’ll never be able to spell his last name.

The NCAA plans to expand March Madness from 65 to 68 teams. That’s great news is you’re a basketball fan and horrible news if your retirement strategy hinges on picking a perfect bracket.

Subway has created a life-size bust of Ndamukong Suh made out of 1,000 slices of pepperoni. We haven’t seen a draft bust that big since Ryan Leaf.

The 2010 NFL Draft is finally over. The three day process lasted longer than the careers of many of the players selected.

ESPN's three-day telecast of the NFL Draft attracted 3.7 million viewers. That sounds impressive until you realize that a video of a cat playing a keyboard has attracted 12 million viewers on YouTube.

Joe Paterno says he has a "gut feeling" that the Pac-10 will expand before the Big Ten. Then again he also had a gut feeling that the British would win the Revolutionary War.

A new study has found that it takes Prince Fielder 21 seconds to round the bases after hitting a homerun. That’s probably because he always stops at second base to have a snack.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of Argentinian striker Sergio Aguero is now online. Learn more about Maradona's fleet-footed heir apparent by clicking here.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of 1986 World Cup champion Diego Maradona is now online. Learn more about FIFA's controversial "Player of the Century" by clicking here.

Monday, April 19, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Michael Phelps was recently spotted at a Baltimore Orioles game. It’s the clearest indication yet that he’s back on drugs.

Veteran coach Joe Paterno would like to see the Big Ten expand. That’s hardly surprising since he was also a big proponent for the U.S. adding a 14th state.

Roger Goodell and Ben Roethlisberger recently met for several hours in New York. Something tells us it probably wasn’t at a Hooters.

Fred Lewis scooped the media by announcing he had been traded via Facebook. The 30-year-old outfielder went onto state that he liked bananas and that he would be removing “Glass Tiger” from his list of favorite bands.

Health Subcommittee chairman Frank Pallone believes smokeless tobacco has no place in Major League Baseball. Then again, neither do the Nationals and they’re still allowed to play.

Edmonton has won the NHL draft lottery. The Oilers have narrowed down their choices between someone you’ve never heard of and someone whose name you’ll never be able to pronounce.

Creed singer Scott Stapp has recorded a song for the Florida Marlins. Haven’t their fans already suffered enough?

A high school in Texas is getting a new $60 million football stadium. It’s the most money spent on an amateur team since the NFL approved the sale of the Rams.

Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz, claiming the Red Sox star named his new nightclub after the mogul's chain of 40/40 clubs. The difference is that Jay-Z’s name refers to homeruns and steals while Ortiz’s name refers to the size of his breasts and hips.

Congress wants Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Fans simply want Major League Baseball to ban the Orioles.

Bobby Valentines believes the Mets managerial job is not in his future. Given how he screwed it up the first time he probably wishes it wasn’t in his past either.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Question of the Week

Prince, Newark, NJ
Subj: NBA records
Who holds the NBA record for the highest scoring average in a single season?

That honor belongs to Wilt Chamberlain, who averaged 50.4 points per game for the Philadelphia Warriors during the 1961-1962 season. The Big Dipper was so dominant that year that he also led the league in minutes, field goals, free throws, rebounds and over-all player efficiency while becoming the first player in the history of professional basketball to score 100 points in a single game. Despite his brilliance, Wilt wasn’t even named the league’s MVP. That honor instead went to Celtics center Bill Russell who led Boston to their fourth consecutive championship while contributing a mere 16.9 points per game. Although the pair may have been intense rivals on the court they were best of friends off of it. Russell was especially saddened when Wilt passed away from congestive heart failure in 1999. "I feel unspeakably injured," Russell said at the time. "I've lost a dear and exceptional friend and an important part of my life. Our relationship was intensely personal. We had a genuinely fierce competition that was based on friendship and respect. We just loved playing against each other. The fierceness of the competition bonded us as friends for eternity."

Monday, April 12, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Evander Holyfield knocked out Frans Botha to win the WBF Heavyweight Title. It’s the biggest victory Holyfield has had since the Civil War.

Texas Stadium has been reduced to a useless pile of dust… just like Jerry Jones.

Dwyane Wade reportedly lost $1.5 million on the sale of his South Florida home. Luckily playing for the Heat has prepared him well for dealing with big losses.

Butler has given Brad Stevens a 12-year, multimillion dollar deal to continue coaching the Bulldogs. That’s a lot of money for someone who’s not even old enough to shave.

Umpire Joe West has called the Yankees and Red Sox a disgrace to baseball. He’s obviously never had to officiate a Pirates-Nationals game.

Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan is on the disabled list with a stiff neck after sleeping on a rolled-up towel. The veteran hurler said he learned his lesson and next time will sleep on Prince Fielder’s soft pillowy gut instead.

Georgia police have finished probing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. No word yet on whether Ben Roethlisberger has finished probing Georgia college students.

Phil Mickelson has won his third Masters title. The veteran golfer now has more ugly jackets than Don Cherry.

Tiger Woods finished five strokes behind at The Masters. Fortunately he’s used to taking extra strokes now that his wife has him on lockdown.

Philadelphia head coach Eddie Jordan says he isn’t interested in coaching Rutgers. That’s hardly surprising since he doesn’t appear to be very interested in coaching the Sixers either.

The sale of the New Jersey Nets to Mikhail Prokhorov is in jeopardy. Apparently he finally saw them play.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Pirates won their Opening Day matchup against the Dodgers. It’s expected to be their longest winning streak of the season.

UCONN celebrated long into the night after winning their second straight championship. We haven’t seen a group of lesbians that happy since Melissa Ethridge announced her last tour.

Martina Navratilova has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The news comes as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize that Martina Navratilova was actually a woman.

Kenyon Martin’s teammates recently filled his car with several pounds of buttered popcorn. In related news, Kenyon Martin’s teammates have been missing since Sunday.

Brett Favre has become a grandfather. Just like the Vikings, someone else did all the work but he’s taking all the credit.

Blues forward Keith Tkachuk will retire after the season. The 38-year-old will finish his career with 538 goals, 525 assists and a zero recognition factor outside of St. Louis.

Five Kentucky players have declared for the NBA Draft. It’s a tremendous gamble considering many of them will now have to take a pay cut.

The Charlotte Bobcats have locked up their first playoff berth in franchise history. Both of the team’s fans are thrilled.

Tim Lincecum says he still wears the same hat that he made his Major League debut in. It could be worse: he could still be wearing the same cup that he made his Little League debut in.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Question of the Week

Randall, Homer Glen, IL
Subj: What’s love got to do with it?
There’s something I’ve always wanted to know. Why is a score of zero in tennis called "love"?

Like many things in life, you can blame the French for this one. The practice dates back to the 13th century when the fledging racket sport was sweeping the French countryside from Marseille to Calais. Players and spectators at the time noticed that a zero resembled an egg, so they began referring to it in their native dialect as “l’oeuf.” The word soon caught on and when tennis was introduced to the U.S. several hundred years later Americans misheard the term as “love.” This corrupted word has been an essential part of the game’s lexicon ever since.

Monday, April 5, 2010

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A 300 lb. sign from the New Jersey Nets’ practice facility recently toppled over. Luckily no one was injured since the Nets never practice.

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Redskins for two draft picks. There must be an easier way of getting free Chunky Soup than that.

A pair of jockeys recently exchanged blows at the Santa Anita Derby. Luckily it was just a small fight.

Al Harrington says he would like to re-sign with the New York. Ironically the Knicks have no interest in signing someone with such low self esteem.

A restaurant in Thailand has made a life-size replica of Tiger Woods out of condoms. The creation of the figure required 500 prophylactics, or as Woods would call it, a good day.

Brian Kelly has admitted that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish stink at the moment. In other words, they’ve improved dramatically.

Tiger Woods’ longtime adviser, John Merchant, has blamed Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley for corrupting his client. Merchant went onto blame Isiah Thomas for global warming and Dominique Wilkins for destroying Atlantis.

The Blue Jays have locked up outfielder Adam Lind for another four years. That’s nothing. Authorities expect to lock up Milton Bradley for 8-10 years by June.

Andrew Bogut’s season is over after fracturing his right hand. Something tells us this isn’t the big break most Bucks fans were hoping for.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. In the interest of saving time they also plan to reduce the women’s tournament to one team: UCONN.

Tiger Woods finally hit the links for some practice at Augusta National. It’s the first time someone in his family has swung a club in public in six months.