Speaking Of Sports...

This week’s quote comes from Kobe Bryant, who donned a daring pair of retro short shorts in a tip off against the Boston Celtics. Take it away, Kobe!

"I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong, but I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half. I felt violated. I felt naked. It's one thing to see films with guys wearing those things. ... I'd rather stay warm, man."

Question of the Week

Maurice, Cincinnati, OH
Subj: NASCAR vs. NBA
I get so sick and tired of my co-workers dogging me on my love for the NBA! And what is more perplexing is their infatuation with NASCAR. I'm not trying to knock NASCAR, even I delight in seeing the crashes on Sportscenter, but is it really a sport? On one hand, you have possibly the best athletes in the world, and on the other you have average guys driving super cars. . . .Is there really any comparison?

Superb question, Maurice. Although I’m not about to paint a giant number 3 on the side of my barn, I do believe NASCAR is a bona-fide sport. After all, it’s covered in the sport section, it’s broadcast on ESPN and it fulfills Merriam-Webster’s requirement as being “a physical activity engaged in for pleasure.” Now, with that said, I’m just as adamant in my belief that NASCAR drivers are NOT athletes. In my opinion, athletes are finely-conditioned physical specimens with exceptional agility, stamina and strength, not gas-huffing hillbillies who spend more time going around in circles than a one-winged pigeon. Consider, for instance, the curious case of James Hylton. The NASCAR veteran posted the 15th fastest time in the final practice session for the 2007 Daytona 500 despite being 72 years old. Something like that would never happen in the NBA or NFL, where an older, less athletic competitor would likely drop dead before halftime. Until drivers have to start peddling their cars around the track like Fred Flintstone, I’ll always consider NASCAR to stand for “Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks”.

Ask Ryan, P.I.

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like mistletoe and harassment charges. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NFL's oldest player, Tom Selleck's brief basketball career and the origins of the Goodyear Blimp. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/7606980

Question of the Week

Randy, Toronto, ON
Subj: Rock ‘em sock ‘em hockey
Everyone knows that hockey is a violent sport, but what’s the most gruesome hockey incident you’ve ever heard of?

Although several players have been knocked unconscious on the ice, only one unlucky puckhead has ever been set on fire. The bizarre incident occurred in a 1930 Quebec Junior Hockey game when goalie Abie Goldberry was hit by a flying puck that instantly ignited a pack of matches in his back pocket. The good news is that Goldberry’s teammates eventually managed to control the blaze. The bad news is that he was saddled with the unfortunate nickname of “Flamer” for the rest of his career.

Ask Ryan - Green With Envy

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Bill Walton and long-winded monologues. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the worst team in NFL history, Beantown's sporting supremacy and George Steinbrenner's brand new high school. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7587476

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest Christmas-themed illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Penny Hardaway received some good news and some bad news this week. The bad news is he was cut by the Miami Heat. The good news is the team is still interested in signing Little Penny to solidify their point guard position.

Jets coach Eric Mangini has admitted that his team videotaped the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium last season. Here’s the creepy part: the taping was done exclusively in the shower stalls.

Senate majority leader George J. Mitchell has released his 409-page report on illegal drug use in baseball. The report is so big you practically have to be on steroids just to lift it.

13 Ohio State underclassmen have filled out the paperwork to gauge where they might go in the NFL draft. For most of the players it was the first time they had used a pen and paper since entering college.

A new high school opening in 2009 in Tampa, Florida, will be named the George Steinbrenner High School. Steinbrenner himself has already hired and fired Billy Martin four times for the position of school principal.

The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.

Alex Rodriguez has revealed that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. The only surprising part about his revelation is that it didn’t interrupt a major sporting event.

The NHL has asserted that widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs is not an issue among hockey players. Of course it isn’t. You have to make decent money before you can afford steroids.

Question of the Week

Tom, Atlanta, GA
Subj: Too legit to quit
Hey Ryan, is it true that M.C. Hammer used to work for Major League Baseball?

That’s correct Tom. Long before becoming the best-dressed celebrity on Hollywood Squares, Stanley Kirk Burrell worked as a batboy for the Oakland A’s from 1972 until 1980. Of course, fetching bats was only part of his job. Notoriously paranoid owner Charlie Finley also depended on him to be his eyes and ears in the clubhouse, a duty for which he earned the nickname “Pipeline.” As he recalls, “Every time I came down to the clubhouse, you know, Rollie Fingers would yell out ‘Oh, everybody be quiet! Here comes Pipeline!’” Luckily for Burrell, the derogatory nickname was soon replaced when Reggie Jackson began calling him “Little Hammer” due to his uncanny resemblance to a young Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. The name stuck and M.C. Hammer has been 2 legit 2 quit ever since.

Ask Ryan - Life in the Fast Lane

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Marv Albert and ill-fitting toupees. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NBA's longest playoff drought, the largest margin of victory in the shot-clock era and the fastest man in baseball history. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/7555526

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest Christmas-themed illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Cyclist Lance Armstrong was spotted dining with Matt Damon at a posh club in Miami. Sounds like another case of three nuts out on the town.

Forward Anderson Varejao told reporters he’s happy to be back with the Cavaliers. His announcement marks the first time in history that anyone has been excited about moving to Cleveland.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have agreed to a 2-year, $36.2 million deal with centerfielder Andruw Jones. For those of you keeping track at home that’s $500,000 for every single hit.

Two Texas A&M football players have been charged in an alleged armed robbery of a College Station apartment. Luckily it’s Texas A&M so they should get a credit for it.

Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry won his appeal of a one-year suspension over a failed drug test. Just as importantly, no one was impregnated during the proceedings.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has reportedly been sending daily gifts to Jessica Simpson. Let’s hope for his sake Terrell Owens doesn’t get upset that he’s no longer his top receiver.

David Beckham has earned the job of being the official backstage photographer for the SPICE GIRLS. That is, assuming he doesn’t get injured.

Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own at a Houston rehab center. Although he’s still months away from running, doctors are happy to report that Everett already has more mobility that J.P. Losman.

Forbes magazine has named the New York Knicks the NBA’s most valuable franchise. Non one is happier about the news than the team’s majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.

Reports have surfaced that former Vancouver Canucks coach Marc Crawford ordered Todd Bertuzzi’s hit on Colorado forward Steve Moore. On the positive side, it’s the first time that NHL has been front page news in nearly three years.

Indiana Pacers guard Jamaal Tinsley and several companions were targeted in a shooting outside a downtown Indianapolis hotel. Luckily most of the shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been fellow teammate Troy Murphy.

Vladimir Guerrero has almost fully recovered from an irritated right triceps injury that prevented him from playing right field for the Angels at the end of the season. With a little bit of luck he’ll be back to hitting balls ten feet out of the strike zone in no time.

Question of the Week

Andy, Rice Lake, WS
Subj: Irvin in the Hall Of Fame???
Why is it that Big Mac couldn't get into the Baseball HOF when he didn't break any rules about anything, but Michael Irvin got in the Football HOF when he was suspended for cocaine? Sounds like someone's getting screwed.

Last I checked, Andy, cocaine wasn’t a performance enhancing drug. According to the Partnership for a Drug Free America, the short-term effects of Bolivian Marching Powder include constricted peripheral blood vessels, dilated pupils, increased temperature, blood pressure, insomnia, loss of appetite, irritability, anxiety and an overwhelming desire to knock over 7-11’s. Granted, Michael Irvin wasn’t exactly a model citizen, but unlike Mark McGwire, his drug of choice didn’t give him an unfair competitive advantage. If anything, it just made him talk a little bit faster during his post game interviews.

Ask Ryan - What Might Have Been

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like athletes and trophy wives. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Reggie Jackson's football career, Mike Conley Jr.'s early struggles and the intricacies of A-Rod's new contract. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7530044

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR’s most popular driver for the fifth straight year, drawing more than 1.5 million votes online. The news comes as a surprise to many experts who didn’t realize racing fans actually knew how to use a computer.

One of Michael Vick's co-defendants has been sentenced to 18 months in prison on federal dog fighting conspiracy charges. In case you’re wondering, that’s 126 months in dog years.

Gatorade inventor Dr. Robert Cade has died of kidney failure at the age of 80. A small service will be held later this week for family and friends followed by the dumping of two large coolers of orange Gatorade on his coffin.

Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods for $71 million. We always suspected that Chicks loved Dicks.

Ricky Williams’ season is now over after he tore a chest muscle. If only he had something ion hand to help alleviate his pain.

The Boston Celtics blew out the New York Knicks by 45 points. The only way the game could have been more one-sided is if Isiah Thomas had allowed Spike Lee to play point guard.

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier was recently spotted visiting Duke’s campus. Don’t get your hopes up football fans. He was just on his way to a lacrosse party.

St. Louis manager Tony La Russa has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence, eight months after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. No word yet on whether La Russa will also own up to drunken managing after the Cards finished 6 games below .500 this past season.

Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory of the year. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they’re already starting to smell like glue.

Blackhawks forward Tuomo Ruutu was detained by police while jogging because he fit the description of an armed robbery suspect. That’s what you get for broadcasting your games on Versus.

HBO is planning to make a film out of Game of Shadows. No word yet on who will play Barry Bonds, although producers seem to be favoring one of the heads from Mount Rushmore.