Monday, December 28, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Pau Gasol has agreed to a three-year extension with Lakers. That’s good news for Pau Gasol and even better news for the blind guy who trims his beard.

Ron Artest suffered a concussion after falling down his stairs. Apparently the locker room isn’t the only place he drinks heavily.

Sarah Thomas has made history by becoming the first woman to officiate a college bowl game. It helps that there are 7,000 of them.

Clippers forward Blake Griffin has been cleared for tougher workouts. Now comes the hard part: finding a tougher team to work out with.

Roy Halladay has revealed that 16 professional baseball teams showed interest in signing him. 17 if you count the Mets.

Michael Vick has won the Ed Block Courage Award. Something tells us Ed Block was probably not a dog person.

Matt Capps has signed a one-year deal with the Washington Nationals. The veteran reliever will earn $3.5 million, or approximately $1.75 million for each save opportunity.

Eddie Guardado has signed a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. Of course, any contract with the Nationals is a minor league one.

Eddy Curry says he’s frustrated with his role on the Knicks. You’d be frustrated too if your role was to provide shade for your 11 teammates.

Rihanna is now dating Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. We always figured she’d end up with a guy who couldn’t hit.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Question of the Week

Tim, Kissimmee, FL
Subj: My life is the Pitts
Is it true that Brad Pitt used to be a pretty decent athlete?

That’s correct, Tim. Long before he was People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Brad Pitt was a basketball and tennis star at Kickapoo High School in Springfield, Missouri. Perhaps that’s why Roger Federer recently selected the Fight Club star when asked which actor he’d like to have portray him in a big screen adaptation of his life. "Brad Pitt did some tough movies and I'd like mine to be a tough movie too," Federer said. "Comedy would be fine too but I'm more a tough-guy movie kind of guy."

Monday, December 21, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Only 2,600 fans showed up to watch the Clippers beat the Sixers in Philadelphia. You know you’re struggling when your attendance is half the size of Allen Iverson’s posse.

At least three teams remain interested in Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley - the Rays, the Rangers and a team of psychologists.

Gregg Popovich has picked up his 700th career victory. In all fairness, 500 of those wins have come against the Nets.

Greg Oden believes he can still return this season. The news comes as a surprise to many observers who assumed Oden hurt his knee, not his brain.

Kentucky freshman John Wall has the entire nation buzzing about his pro prospects. Now comes the hard part: playing well enough to win an NCAA championship, but not so well that he gets drafted by the Nets.

A Russian billionaire has moved a step closer to owning the New Jersey Nets. He’s also moved a step closer to becoming a Russian millionaire.

The entire nation of Sweden is reportedly angry at Tiger Woods. Sure it doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but just wait until he has to start buying all of his replacement furniture at Ikea.

A new poll has found that 92 percent of all NFL players believe Roger Goodell is doing an excellent job. The other 8 percent play for the Lions.

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem believes the Tour can survive without Tiger Woods. Sure, but can Tiger Woods survive without the Tour’s groupies?

Diminutive guard Nate Robinson has now sat out nine straight games. On the positive side, at least he’s not blocking anyone’s view.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Question of the Week

Rodney, Spring, TX
Subj: Simply the best
How many basketball players have won an Olympic championship, an NBA championship and an NCAA championship?

Just seven. That small but illustrious fraternity includes Hall of Famers Clyde Lovelette, K.C. Jones, Bill Russell, Jerry Lucas, Quinn Buckner, Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. Incidentally, Johnson, Lucas and Buckner all developed winning traditions early in their careers by also capturing high school state championships.

Monday, December 14, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Question of the Week

James, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Subj: What’s left is right
Hey Ryan, there’s something I’ve always wondered about: why do baseball announcers refer to left-handed pitchers as “Southpaws”?

The term dates back to the late 1840’s when baseball architects discovered they could keep the setting sun out of batter’s eyes by building parks with home plate facing west, the outfield facing east, third base facing north and first base facing south. Naturally, this strategic configuration meant that left-handed pitchers would have their throwing arms facing south. Observant sportswriters picked up on the phenomenon and use of the newly minted word “southpaw” quickly spread from baseball to other popular sports like boxing.

Monday, December 7, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Question of the Week

John, Brooklyn, NY
Subj: Say it ain’t so Joe
Is it true that Joe Montana began his football career under false pretenses?

That’s correct John. By the time he was eight-years-old Montana was chomping at the bit to play organized football. There was just one problem: his town’s local peewee league didn’t allow players to suit up until they were nine, so his father lied on his registration form and enrolled his son a year earlier. Despite being younger – and smaller – than most of his teammates, Montana was named the team’s quarterback and he quickly impressed onlookers with his confidence and accuracy. His first coach, Carl Crawley, recalls watching Montana blossom into a first rate signal caller. "We ran a pro offense," Crawley says. "Joe would roll out. If the cornerback came off, he'd dump it off; if he stayed back, he'd keep going and pick up five or six yards. He was an amazingly accurate passer for a kid."

Monday, November 30, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig plans to step down as commissioner of Major League Baseball in 2012. Asked where he sees himself in four years, the commissioner replied; “Anywhere but watching the Kansas City Royals.”

Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has been hospitalized due to recurring symptoms from groin surgery. Doctors are worried he may only live for another 175 years.

New Jersey is now 0-17 after losing to Denver. The Nets are so bad they’ve replaced their official logo with a white flag.

Patrick Ewing has said that he would love to coach the New Jersey Nets. Ewing also went onto say that he would love to have a spinal tap and undergo a root canal.

Brady Quinn is reportedly dating US gymnast Alicia Sacramone. They’re perfectly matched since neither one of them has won anything since 2008.

The NBA has banned a former scout from the Sacramento Kings from betting on his team. You’d think losing 65 bets a year would have been punishment enough.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are off to their worst start in franchise history. Now might be a good time to find out if Brett Favre can also play basketball.

Several NFL players have been asked to pose nude for a PETA ad with the tag line, "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur." Perhaps they’d have more luck if they changed the slogan to “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear A Browns Jersey.”

Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy has won his 600th game. And all it took was 600 years.

Australia has banned Steeplechase following the deaths of 20 horses over the past two years. The decision is considered bad news for sports enthusiasts and even worse news for Australia’s glue industry.

The Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has banned golfers from using the running swing popularized in Happy Gilmore. Sadly, the court can’t do a thing to prevent Adam Sandler from making more movies.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Question of the Week

Charles, Birmingham, AL
Subj; Two timers
How many athletes been enshrined in both the Pro Baseball AND the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

Just one. That honor belongs to Cal Hubbard, a gifted tackle who won three championships with the Green Bay Packers during the 1930’s. Big Cal’s remarkable combination of speed and power made him one of the game’s earliest stars and the NFL honored his outstanding contributions by selecting him as a member of their prestigious 1920’s All-Decade Team. Hubbard’s brilliance was further recognized in 1963 when he was among the initial class of inductees to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Mind you, just because he was one of the league’s marquee players doesn’t mean he was well compensated for his efforts. Hubbard’s starting salary of $150 a game required him to find a second job and he supplemented his income by becoming a baseball umpire, at first in the minor leagues and later in the Big Show. The job proved to be a perfect fit and Hubbard became so proficient at calling balls and strikes that he was selected to officiate four World Series and two All-Star Games before becoming the American League’s supervisor of umpires. "Being an umpire wasn't such a tough job,” he commented years after retiring. “You really have to understand only two things and that's maintaining discipline and knowing the rule book." Hubbard’s exemplary service to the game was recognized in 1976 when he became just the fifth umpire to be enshrined in Cooperstown.

Monday, November 23, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The undermanned New Jersey Nets had to use a chair in place of a player during a recent practice. Sadly, the chair scored 25 points.

A group of scientists have ruled that disabled sprinter Oscar Pistorius has an unfair advantage over his fellow runners. Not in competition, but in finding a decent parking spot.

Mike Holmgren says he has interest in joining the 1-8 Browns. That’s good news: they could use him on defense.

The New Jersey Nets have no intention of firing head coach Lawrence Frank. No matter how much he begs.

Reggie Bush has missed practice for the third straight day. In his defense, it’s taken him that long just to walk around Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Mike D'Antoni recently referred to the Knicks as being "dead in the water." In related news, New Yorkers has been advised to boil their water for the next two weeks.

Devin Hester had his pants pulled down while trying to make a catch. The Bears haven’t been that exposed since their loss to the 49ers.

Northeastern University has decided to drop its football program. Sadly, the Cleveland Browns have decided to keep theirs.

Retired NBA star Jayson Williams has agreed to a plea deal that would send him to prison for three years. Luckily for Williams his seven seasons with the Nets have prepared him well for serving hard time.

Major League Soccer is on the verge of creating a 20th franchise. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one team for every fan.

Rex Ryan says he isn’t ashamed that he recently cried in front of his players. Well sure, once you get past the shame of coaching the Jets you can pretty much accept anything.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Question of the Week

Shawn, Baton Rouge, LA
Subj: Hardwood heroes
If you had to select a starting five of fictional movie basketball players, who would you pick?

Superb question Shawn! After hours of careful deliberation I’ve managed to select a dream team of five fictional ballers. Some of their movies may have stunk more than a beer and bratwurst fart but there’s simply no arguing with their skills on the hardwood.

PG - Calvin Cambridge (Bow Wow - Like Mike) So what if he’s smaller than Spud Webb’s jockstrap? Calvin Cambridge is pound-for-pound the finest basketball player on the planet.
SG - Jesus Shuttleworth (Ray Allen – He Got Game) One of the most heavily recruited players in college history, Jesus has an inside-out game that’s smoother than a Barry White pick-up line.
SF - Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis - Hoosiers) The finest pure shooter to ever handle the rock, Chitwood’s range extends to a good ten feet outside any gymnasium.
PF - Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox - Teen Wolf) Imagine if Karl Malone and Big Foot had a love child and you’d have Scott Howard, a hairer-than-thou beast capable of reducing foes to shivering wrecks. Granted, his hairballs are an issue, but every superstar has his quirks.
C - Neon (Shaquille O’Neal - Blue Chips) Every team needs a fierce inside presence, which is why I’ve chosen Neon, a 7’1 man child with an unstoppable back-to-the-basket game. If Shaq was even half as mobile as his onscreen alter ego the Cavs would be undefeated.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Larry Brown has reportedly been texting Allen Iverson. We’re not sure what more surprising: the fact that Allen Iverson knows how to read or the fact that Larry Brown knows how to operate technology made after 1943.

The Knicks have decided to pass on signing Allen Iverson. Their decision marks the first time in years the words “Allen Iverson” and “pass” have been uttered in the same sentence.

Tennessee has dismissed two freshmen football players charged in an attempted armed robbery. What a shame: if they went to Miami they would have gotten a credit for it.

Dennis Rodman has been detained in Germany after a hotel said he skipped out on a $5,000 bill. That’s nothing: Rodman used to spend that much just on dress alterations.

Miami believes it’s found a way to lure LeBron James and Chris Bosh to the Heat. It’s called “a miracle.”

Zack Greinke has been named the American League’s CY Young Award winner. The Royals plan to celebrate his victory by quitting while they’re ahead.

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels recently referred to Jim Zorn as coach of the Chargers. It’s an understandable mistake since Zorn has just as much say in both team’s offenses.

Eagles running back Brian Westbrook plans to visit two concussion specialists in Pittsburgh… or New York. Frankly he can’t remember which.

The Warriors are interested in trading Monta Ellis. Don Nelson is even willing to throw in a moped to sweeten the deal.

The Nets are now 0-11. Things haven’t been this bleak in New Jersey since, well, every day.

Monday, November 16, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Seattle bullpen coach John Wetteland has been hospitalized with a mental issue. Friends first suspected he was unstable when he accepted a job with the Mariners.

Stephen Jackson says he’s shocked the media has labeled him as a bad guy. We’re shocked the media finally got a story right.

The New Orleans Hornets have fired head coach Byron Scott. The move has shocked many insiders since Scott was also the team’s third best player.

Javon Walker reportedly wants out of Oakland. Then again, so do half of the city’s residents.

A diehard NASCAR fan has created a shrine to the sport using 46,693 Coors and Budweiser bottle caps. It’s amazing what you can do with a single afternoon of drinking.

Michael Vick says he’s happy to be with the Eagles. Then again, Michael Vick is just happy he no longer has to worry about getting shived every time he has a shower.

Browns coach Eric Mangini has refuted claims that he overworks his team. Based on Cleveland’s record, we’re inclined to believe him.

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis appears to be on the chopping block. We had no idea they made chopping blocks that big.

Kobe Bryant is reportedly nursing a sore right groin. Something tells us the Lakers won’t be sending him to Colorado for rehab.

Eddy Curry has reportedly lost another 10 pounds. If he loses 10 more Knicks officials can finally start measuring his weight on a bathroom scale rather than the Richter scale.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shaquille O’Neal and his wife are divorcing after seven years of marriage. If nothing else it should certainly make for an entertaining episode of Shaq Vs.

Hasheem Thabeet fractured his jaw after colliding with the head of Zach Randolph. Ironically, it’s the first time Randolph has used his head for anything in more than a decade.

Two students claim they were recently pushed by Michigan athletic director Bill Martin. It’s never a good sign when your AD has more fight in him than your football team.

The Phoenix Coyotes are interested in signing Chris Chelios. The club hopes the 47-year-old defenseman is just close enough to dementia to consider their offer.

Several members of the Golden State Warriors have said they’d like to see Stephen Jackson traded. Preferably to Siberia.

The Knicks are expecting Eddy Curry back on the court soon. Team officials are reinforcing the floorboards as we speak.

The Red Sox have agreed to a $5 million, two-year contract with Tim Wakefield. It’s a lucrative deal for a man whose fastball can be measured with a sundial.

Former Knick center Chris Dudley would like to become governor of Oregon. Let’s hope for his sake it doesn’t come down to a free throw shooting contest.

Sammy Sosa’s skin is now three shades lighter than it was during his playing days. You know your rejuvenation procedure was a failure when your wax figurine looks more lifelike than you do.

A federal appeals court has ruled that Michael Vick can keep $16 million in roster bonuses from the Atlanta Falcons. Let’s hope he doesn’t blow it all at the pet store.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Question of the Week

Tony, Yakima, WA
Subj: Wilt the Stilt
Is it true that Wilt Chamberlain almost retired after his first season in the NBA?

That’s correct, Tony. The Big Dipper nearly hung up his size 19-shoes because he was frustrated with the way rival teams manhandled him beneath the basket. Former Celtics forward Tommy Heinsohn still recalls how he and his teammates would hammer Chamberlain in the post. "We tried to send him to the foul line, and in doing that he took the most brutal pounding of any player ever,” Heinsohn says. “I hear people today talk about hard fouls. Half the fouls against him were hard fouls." Luckily for fans, Chamberlain’s friends and family convinced him to give the league another shot and he went on to enjoy 13 sensational seasons before retiring in 1973.

Monday, November 9, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

120 Major League Baseball players have now filed for free agency. The group includes 45 pitchers, 33 infielders and 27 of Alyssa Milano’s exes.

New York office workers reportedly tossed files and documents out windows during the Yankees victory parade. It’s a marked improvement from earlier this year when they were tossing out themselves.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is facing misdemeanor charges after a state trooper approached his Mercedes and smelled marijuana. It turns out Lincecum was a little high and inside.

The Mets plan to part ways with closer J.J. Putz. Fortunately they still have plenty of other putzes in their lineup.

Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave from the Memphis Grizzlies… just like most of the team’s fans.

A government official has been fired for giving the Calgary Flames flu shots while thousands of people waited in line. There hasn’t been this much interest over a bunch of little pricks since the New Kids on the Block reunited.

Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman has become the first woman to coach in the NBA Development League. It’s nice to know women are now just as capable of getting undesirable jobs as men.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder recently told reporters that the team is letting everybody down. On the positive side, they’re doing a fabulous job preparing Washington sports fans for another season of the Nationals.

Victor Zambrano's mother has been kidnapped in Venezuela. If her personality is as disagreeable as her son’s we’re sure her abductors will return her soon.

Tony Parker is expected to miss a week with a sprained left ankle. The veteran point guard was injured when an overzealous Manu Ginobili swatted him out of the sky.

Navy is still riding high after defeating Notre Dame 23-21. The Midshipmen haven’t enjoyed a victory this big since storming the beaches of Normandy.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Question of the Week

Allen, Englewood, CO
Subj: Full of hot air
It seems like the Goodyear Blimp is visible in nearly every football game you watch. When did the company launch its first blimp?

The tradition began in 1925 when Goodyear took a simple helium-filled vessel named The Pilgrim on its maiden voyage. The company has since built more than 300 airships, many of which were used by the U.S. Navy during WWII to escort battleships. In addition to being featured at football games, the Goodyear Blimp has also been in a number of blockbuster films including Scarface, Flight of the Navigator and the original 1974 version of Gone in 60 Seconds.

Monday, November 2, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig says he’s happy that Mark McGwire is returning to baseball. He’d be even happier if Milton Bradley wasn’t.

Meb Keflezighi has become the first American to win the New York City Marathon in 27 years. If you had a name like Meb Keflezighi you’d probably be good at outrunning people too.

The IOC is upset with Greece’s decision to let a runner serving a doping ban take part in the Vancouver flame relay. On the positive side, his one mile segment should be over in well under two minutes.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley recently had three screws placed inside his tibia. It’s nice to hear that Washington sport fans aren’t the only ones getting screwed.

Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw will continue to play this season despite having a cracked bone in his foot. In related news, Terry Bradshaw will continue appearing on Fox despite being legally dead above the neck.

Rudy Gay has said the odds of him signing a contract extension are at 50-50. Oddly enough, those are the same odds an Internet search of his name will bring you to a gay porn site.

Nate Robinson could be sidelined for two weeks after spraining his right ankle. Luckily the Knicks should have no problem losing without him.

PGA Tour officials have canceled the Viking Classic because of soggy course conditions. Vikings everywhere are rolling over in their graves.

Cole Hamels, last year's World Series MVP, is 1-2 with a 7.58 ERA in 4 starts this postseason. On the positive side, he could still become the World Series MVP for the Yankees.

Bobby Knight has declined an invitation to attend his induction into the Indiana University Hall of Fame. Organizers had already reserved two seats for him: one to sit in and one to throw.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Wayne Gretzky believes that Las Vegas will have an NHL team within five years. In fact, his wife is willing to put 10,000 grand on it.

Sam Bradford has called his decision to forgo his senior season the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Just wait until he has to sign a contract with the Buccaneers.

Charles Barkley has expressed interest in becoming an NBA general manager. It should be refreshing to see GM beside his name rather than BS.

Anthony Mason owes more than $1.8 million in state and federal taxes. The former Knick is expected to shave a full statement in his hair shortly.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to save $40,000 by switching from paper Christmas cards to electronic ones. It was either that or charge Shaquille O’Neal a nickel every time he misses a free throw.

The Yankees have won their 40th American League pennant. It’s inspiring to see what hard work, determination and $200 million can buy you these days.

London Fletcher was spotted throwing up on the sidelines during Washington’s Monday night loss to Philadelphia. Maybe next time he shouldn’t watch so much of the game.

Andre Agassi has admitted he used crystal meth regularly during the 1990s. That certainly explains a lot of his outfits.

Jimmy Rollins believes the Phillies will win the World Series in five games. In related news, Jimmy Rollins may possibly still be drunk from the team’s NLCS celebration.

The Memphis Grizzlies have received permission to speak to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar about a position with the team. Given the fact it’s the Grizzlies that position is probably starting center.

Dodgers chief executive Jamie McCourt has filed a divorce petition laying claim to half of the team. Something tells us she probably wants the half with Matt Kemp and not the half with Jason Schmidt.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Captain Canada

Steve Nash isn’t your typical NBA player. While most of his peers are muscular mutants with single digit IQs, Nash is a hyper-intelligent, floppy-haired goofball whose passion for basketball is rivaled only by his keen interest in politics, filmmaking and sustainability. Learn more about this six-time league All-Star by clicking here.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Question of the Week

Nick, New Port Richey, FL
Subj: Magnum P.I.
Tom Selleck seems to tower over everyone on his TV show Jesse Stone. Was he ever a basketball player?

Absolutely, Nick. The mustachioed 6’4” actor was an outstanding high school hoopster who earned a scholarship to play basketball at Montana State University. However, the prospect of living in Bozeman didn’t appeal to him and he graciously declined the school’s invitation. "I always wanted to go to USC,” Selleck recalls, “but even though I was a good athlete no one was breaking down the doors for me.” So, Selleck spent the next two years attending Los Angeles Valley Junior College before transferring to USC in his junior year. “I didn't go to USC on a basketball scholarship,” he explains, “but I said, 'If I make your team I'm going to need some help,' because my parents were borrowing money to send me there.” A deal was reached and Selleck spent the next two years playing for the Trojans. Although he never became a star on the hardwood he was still an integral part of the team’s success. "My one brush with greatness--I've told Kareem Abdul-Jabbar about this--was that I was him,” he says fondly. “During practice at USC, the guys who weren't going to play in the real game would learn the offense of the team we were going to play next, and often I would be Kareem running the UCLA offense against my teammates."

Friday, October 16, 2009

Question of the Week

Donald, Waukesha, WS
Subj: Getting defensive
Has an NBA star ever been named Defensive Player of the Year while also leading the league in scoring?

You bet, Donald, but it’s only been done once. Michael Jordan accomplished that rarest of NBA feats in 1988 when he led the league with a lofty 35.0 scoring average while also playing lock-down defensive on the NBA’s best perimeter threats. Incidentally, his Airness is one of only five guards to be named the NBA’s top stopper since 1983 as the award has traditionally gone to 7-foot tall lane-clogging mutants.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Chicago Cubs have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The last time they were active this late in the post season was 1908.

Delonte West plans to travel with the Cavaliers to Texas for their next two games. In fact, he’s already called shotgun.

Rush Limbaugh is no longer involved in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. Limbaugh lost interest when he discovered he’d be referred to as a “minority” owner.

Erin Andrews is back doing interviews again. We liked her a lot more when she was obscene and not heard.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife Jamie have separated. Now comes the hard part: deciding who gets custody of Manny Ramirez.

Free agent forward Josh Childress reportedly came close to signing with the Cavaliers. That was before he discovered they played all their home games in Cleveland.

A 1,000 lb. chainsaw carving of former Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas is missing one day after it was unveiled. It’s never a good sign when a statue has more mobility than half the players in your backfield.

Tim Tebow is still undergoing a battery of post-concussion evaluations including computer tests, reaction tests, eye-focusing tests, balancing tests and motion-sickness tests. Fortunately it’s the University of Florida, so he’s getting a credit for each one.

The NBA has fined Gilbert Arenas $25,000 for skipping a media session. It wasn’t long ago the league would have gladly paid HIM $25,000 just to shut up.

Brady Quinn has put his house up for sale. Unfortunately for him, Cleveland’s real estate market is almost as inactive as the Brown’s offense.

A Texas meatpacking company has come up with a new line of Vince Young Hot Links. The sausages look great in the package but ultimately wither up under intense heat.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Rejection Ain't Easy

At 6'9" and 245 lbs., Miami Heat center Joel Anthony is a master at rejecting shots. However, it wasn't long ago that this 26-year-old Canadian hoops star had to deal with rejection of his own when he was cut from the varsity basketball team at Montreal's Dawson College two years in a row. Learn more about his remarkable journey to the NBA by clicking here.

Monday, October 12, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

San Jose is interested in acquiring a professional basketball team. That rules out the Timberwolves.

Venezuelan authorities are scheduled to exhume the body of former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez. No word yet on when the Mets will make him a formal offer.

Michael Vick has agreed to star in an eight-part television series on BET. The show is part reality TV, part documentary and part America’s Most Wanted.

Stephon Marbury has rejected a one year, $1.3 million contract from the Boston Celtics feeling he deserves more. The only thing Marbury deserves is more scorn and more ridicule.

Al Jefferson reportedly wants to play for Team USA at the FIBA World Championship in August. Something tells us he probably isn’t the only Timberwolve who’s already looking beyond this season.

Jacques Rogge has been re-elected as president of the International Olympic Committee. Something tells us the vote probably wasn’t held in Chicago.

The Warriors defeated the Suns 104-101 in an outdoor exhibition game at the Indian Wells Tennis Garden. The score likely would have been much higher were it not for the fact the players kept on getting tangled up in the net at half court.

The Brewers are telling teams they have no intention of shopping Prince Fielder. That’s a shame, because they could make a fortune if they sold him by the pound.

LeBron James and Shaquille O’Neal say they both want the same thing this season. And that’s to avoid being shot by Delonte West.

The Warriors say they’re in no rush to trade disgruntled guard Stephen Jackson. That’s quite a coincidence since the rest of the league is in no rush to acquire him.

Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor says he doesn't regret wearing Michael Vick's name in his eye black. However, he does regret asking Michael Vick to look after his cocker spaniel for the weekend.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Wrestling With Perfection

Brock Lesnar is the latest professional wrestler to abandon the ring for the octagon. Learn why his pumped-up peers are suddenly embracing mixed martial arts by clicking here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009 Top 49 Men of 2009

Who are the most influential men of 2009? After more than half a million votes from readers, has the answer, and it’s on their list of The Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009. Learn more about this year’s movers and shakers by reading my profiles of Canadian mixed martial artist Georges St. Pierre, UFC President Dana White, WBC World Champion Manny Pacquiao, U.S. Open champ Andy Roddick and the incomparable Tiger Woods.

Monday, October 5, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

NBA players are back doing two a days. Incidentally, that’s two practices a day, not two groupies a day.

The NFL Players Association has formed a committee to address the issue of head trauma among players… and Raiders fans.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are seeking another investor. Preferably one who’s spent the last decade living under a rock.

All signs point to Tim Wakefield not pitching in the playoffs. It isn’t that he’s injured, it’s just that no one wants to stand around in the cold while waiting for his pitches to reach home plate.

Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco struck out 16 batters in a win over the Braves. Atlanta residents haven’t seen that many K’s strung together since the last time the Grand Wizard was in town.

Ryne Sandberg is campaigning to become the Cubs’ next manager. Some people have no ambition.

Jim Brown has told Michael Crabtree to end his holdout. In related news, Michael Crabtree has told Jim Brown to stop wearing hats from 1970s Blaxploitation films.

Workers at an Arizona cryonics facility reportedly mutilated the frozen head of Ted Williams. If there’s a Hell, something tells us Teddy Ballgame will be gleefully waiting for them with a Louisville Slugger.

The Mets are cutting the price of 2010 season tickets by an average of 10 percent. That seems fitting since interest in the team has been cut by 90 percent.

Giants QB Eli Manning has a sensitive heel. It’s a nice change from several years ago when he WAS a sensitive heel.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Question of the Week

Tim, Fairless Hills, PA
Subj: On the money
Is it true that Jack Nicklaus’ is legal tender in Europe?

That’s correct Tim. As popular as The Golden Bear is in America, he’s equally beloved in Scotland, where he won the British Open at St. Andrews Links in 1970 and 1978. The Royal Bank of Scotland Group honored his extraordinary legacy on July 12, 2005 with the release of a commemorative £5 note featuring Nicklaus cradling a championship trophy. Apart from Her Majesty the Queen and the late Queen Mother, Nicklaus is the only living person ever to have appeared on a Scottish note.

Monday, September 28, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lindsay Lohan recently told reporters that she’s a huge fan of Formula One. In all fairness, Lindsay Lohan is a huge fan of anything with a cockpit.

David Wells has criticized the Yankees over their handling of Joba Chamberlain. And if there’s one thing Wells knows it’s how to handle a boozing, overweight pitcher.

A judge has allowed a man to be temporarily released from jail so he can see the Red Sox play the Royals. In the end, the judge felt watching Kansas City play nine innings was equivalent to at least two years in prison.

The Nationals have become the first team in the Major Leagues to lose 100 games. The accomplishment is especially impressive since they’ve only played 95.

The Timberwolves are trying to trade backup center Mark Blount. Anyone with a bag of basketballs or a jug of Gatorade is encouraged to inquire within.

Bobby Cox has agreed to a one-year contract for 2010. Apparently the Internet isn’t the only place where you can get a Cox extension.

Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams has been fined $12,500 for kicking two New York Giants. In his defense, you’d probably have some anger issues too if your parents named you Flozell.

Russia’s wealthiest man has struck a deal to buy the New Jersey Nets. Apparently being the wealthiest man in Russia isn’t the same thing as being the smartest man in Russia.

Michael Vick recently admitted he thought he’d return as a starter. Those who understand karma thought he’s return as a dung beetle.

Delonte West is expected to join the Cavaliers after being arrested for carrying two concealed handguns and a shotgun. That’s just what the team needs, another shoot-first point guard.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Question of the Week

Jeremy, Big Bear City, CA
Subj: Weighty concerns
Is it just my imagination or are NBA players a lot larger than they were back in the 1980’s?

According to data collected by the league, NBA players are simultaneously shrinking and packing on more weight. Back in 1985-86 the average NBA player was 6’7” and weighed 214 pounds. By comparison, today’s average player is 6’6” and weighs 221 pounds. Most analysts attribute the change to improved weight training methods but I personally blame Shaquille O’Neal and his 400 pounds for inflating the stats.

Monday, September 21, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Houston Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson has been fined $25,000 by the team for writing a message on his shoes. $1,000 was for the content of the message and $24,000 was for being too stupid to know about Twitter.

Desmond Mason has received a one-year deal with the Sacramento Kings… although we’re sure it will feel like five.

A 73-year-old waiter is suing the Yankees claiming he was replaced by a younger worker with a smaller salary. Come on, when have the Yankees ever tried to get younger?

Lamar Odom is planning on marrying Khloe Kardashian. Surely there has to be an easier way of getting a reality show than that.

Recovering alcoholic Theo Fleury scored the winning goal in his first NHL game in six years. It’s amazing how much easier hockey becomes when you see one net rather than three.

The Hooters Swimsuit Pageant took place this weekend in Ft. Lauderdale. We haven’t seen that many big boobs together since the last time the Mets took the field.

Cleveland guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun. This probably isn’t what the Cavs had in mind when they asked him to improve his shooting in the off season.

Roger Clemens has taken to posting on Twitter to stay in touch with his fans. Both of them.

Chad Ochocinco leapt into the crowd at Lambeau Stadium after scoring a touchdown against the Packers. Morticians are hoping to piece together his remains shortly.

HBO plans to retool Joe Buck’s talk show. No word yet on which tool will replace him.

Backup QG Jeff Garcia is back in the NFL. And more importantly, so is his wife.

A Russian billionaire is interested in buying the New Jersey Nets. Apparently he’s also interested in becoming a Russian millionaire.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Mike Tyson's Top Ten KOs

Mike Tyson wasn’t always crazier than a soup sandwich. Long before he began biting off body parts and using his face as a canvas for tattoos, Iron Mike was the world’s most punishing pugilist. His vicious uppercuts sent fighters to the mat with breathtaking ease while his hellacious haymakers connected with the force of a thousand sledgehammers. Get ready to rumble as I proudly present my top 10 Mike Tyson KOs here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A new study has found that Cheerleading accounts for 65% of all female catastrophic injuries in high school and college. As if that weren’t bad enough, it also accounts for nearly 100% of the carpal tunnel cases among teenage boys.

O.J. Simpson is reportedly depressed and despondent. He must have finally seen his performance in The Towering Inferno.

Tommy Lasorda will have his painting put up in the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery in Washington. At 82 years old, it might be the last chance he gets to be well hung.

Notre Dame will honor its 1940s teams at Saturday's game against Michigan State. Given their current fortunes, the Irish might want to see if some of those players are still eligible to play.

Blake Griffin is currently selling $35 baseball caps with the word "Work" embossed across the front. Ironically that’s precisely what Clippers employees will be looking for if Griffin doesn’t pan out.

Greg Ostertag has expressed interest in playing professional basketball again. That rules out the Knicks.

Famed amputee runner Oscar Pistorius has been charged with assault. When asked what happened Pistorius said he was stumped.

The NHL preseason has officially begun. We promise to wake you when it’s over.

No. 1 NBA draft pick Blake Griffin has been cleared to work out with the Los Angeles Clippers. The announcement comes as a surprise to many observers who had no idea the Clippers actually practiced.

The Yankees plan to cut prices on some of their most expensive tickets in 2010. Fans will now only have to sell one kidney in order to see a game.

The Eagles have released receiver Hank Baskett. It was an especially difficult decision for the team since it also meant parting ways with Kendra Wilkinson.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Question of the Week

Prince, Newark, NJ
Subj: NBA records
Who holds the NBA record for the highest scoring average in a single season?

That honor belongs to Wilt Chamberlain, who averaged 50.4 points per game for the Philadelphia Warriors during the 1961-1962 season. The Big Dipper was so dominant that year that he also led the league in minutes, field goals, free throws, rebounds and over-all player efficiency while becoming the first player in the history of professional basketball to score 100 points in a single game. Despite his brilliance, Wilt wasn’t even named the league’s MVP. That honor instead went to Celtics center Bill Russell who led Boston to their fourth consecutive championship while contributing a mere 16.9 points per game. Although the pair may have been intense rivals on the court they were best of friends off of it. Russell was especially saddened when Wilt passed away from congestive heart failure in 1999. "I feel unspeakably injured," Russell said at the time. "I've lost a dear and exceptional friend and an important part of my life. Our relationship was intensely personal. We had a genuinely fierce competition that was based on friendship and respect. We just loved playing against each other. The fierceness of the competition bonded us as friends for eternity."

Monday, September 14, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tony Gonzalez has become the 21st player in NFL history with 11,000 yards receiving. In all fairness, 10,000 of those yards came against the Lions.

Donovan McNabb has a broken rib. And here’s the real surprise; Michael Vick wasn’t the one who broke it.

The Minnesota Vikings have named Brett Favre a team captain. That’s certainly a lot nicer than what the Green Bay packers have named him.

Ben Roethlisberger’s accuser is demanding a list of every single woman he has ever had sex with. Given his spotty history, Roethlisberger might just want to provide her with the Pittsburgh phonebook.

Allen Iverson has said that his decision to join the Memphis Grizzlies was based upon a message from God. Luckily for him, God didn’t say anything about having to share the ball with Zach Randolph.

The New Jersey Nets recently unveiled a revamped design for their new arena in Brooklyn. The state of the art facility will have glass walls, a public plaza and ample seating for all seven of the team’s fans.

The IAAF has confirmed that South African runner Caster Semenya has male and female sex organs. On the positive side, her chances of getting a date on Saturday night have now doubled.

Kansas City starters Gil Meche and Brian Bannister are likely done for the rest of the season. The Royals did not disclose the exact nature of their injuries since nobody cared enough to ask.

Adrian Peterson was pumped full of emergency fluids following the second quarter of Minnesota’s game against Cleveland. Apparently Matt Leinart isn’t the only one who drinks during halftime.

Ryne Sandberg has expressed interest in becoming the Cubs’ next manager. Well, you have to start somewhere.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Question of the Week

Kyle, Lake Zurich, IL
Subj: That town that sports forgot
What’s the largest city in America without a major sports team?

That dubious distinction belongs to Austin, Texas, whose current population of 709,893 makes it the 16th biggest city in America. Incidentally, that’s considerably larger than cities like Seattle, Boston, Denver and Washington, all of which have at least three major sports teams. Luckily, Austinites still manage to enjoy their fair share of sporting events thanks to the University of Texas, which is conveniently located in the heart of the city. Austin is also home to a number of minor league franchises including the Toros, the Ice Bats, the Wranglers and the Round Rock Express.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Major League Baseball has fined Jonathan Papelbon $5,000 for his slow play. It’s the second time the Red Sox have been penalized this season after one of Tim Wakefield’s fastballs was fined $10,000 for taking three days to reach home plate.

Dennis Rodman recently attended the wedding of Ricky Williams. And here’s the really embarrassing part: he was wearing the same dress as the bride.

Bruce Bowen has announced he’s retiring from the NBA. Fortunately for him, anyone that dirty should have no problem transitioning into politics.

Michael Vick amassed just 61 total yards in three quarters of action against the Jets. In his defense, it’s not easy running away from linebackers when you have an electronic bracelet on your ankle.

Many pundits are predicting that Michael Vick could soon replace Donovan McNabb, despite the fact Vick is two inches shorter and 25 pounds lighter than the Eagles starting QB. As they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Curt Schilling has said he’s interested in the vacant Massachusetts senate seat once held by Edward M. Kennedy. Well sure, the empties under the seat are probably worth a small fortune.

Detroit Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell has been diagnosed with cancer. And here’s the real surprise; it wasn’t caused by watching the Tigers.

Veteran coach Lou Holtz has predicted Notre Dame will play in the BCS title game. Then again, Lou Holtz also predicted the South would win the Civil War.

The Nevada Supreme Court has denied O.J. Simpson's request to be let out of prison. What a shame. At the rate he’s going he’ll never be able to find his wife’s real killer.

Matthew Stafford has won the Lions' starting quarterback job. Sadly, it might be the only win he picks up all season.

The Rangers received some good news and bad news this week. The good news is slugger Josh Hamilton has received a second shot for the pinched nerve in his back. The bad news is it came from a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Nationals top draft pick Stephen Strasburg has vowed to avoid drinking Cristal, hanging out at clubs and hooking up with random women. It kind of makes you wonder why he became a professional athlete in the first place.

Monday, September 7, 2009

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre is now online. Learn more MMA’s most punishing pound-for-pound fighter by clicking here.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Question of the Week

Jackson, French Camp, CA
Subj: Simply the best
In your opinion, who is the fastest player in baseball history?

My vote goes to James “Cool Papa” Bell, a gifted outfielder who starred in the Negro Leagues from 1922 until 1946. Although most of his statistics have been lost to time, Bell claimed he once stole 175 bases in a single season, which would make him the most prolific base stealer in the history of the game. Bell was also famous among his contemporaries for frequently stealing two bases on a single pitch and he was said to be capable of running around the diamond in 12 seconds flat. By comparison, a modern-day speedster like Ichiro Suzuki has been clocked at 15 seconds. Former teammate and fellow Hall of Famer Satchel Paige may have put it best when he surmised "If Cool Papa had known about colleges or if colleges had known about Cool Papa, Jesse Owens would have looked like he was walking." That’s high praise indeed from a man who knew a thing or two about the game. Although Bell never had the opportunity to play in the Major Leagues he was instrumental in helping fellow Negro League stars Jackie Robinson and Monte Irvin break baseball’s notorious color line.

Monday, August 31, 2009

You've Got to be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Brett Favre is coming out with a brand new line of Wrangler jeans. And unlike Favre, the pants are wrinkle free.

Plaxico Burress has said he’d like to catch on with a professional football team after serving his two-year prison sentence. And if that’s not possible, Burress is also open to playing for the Lions.

Isiah Thomas is upset that his first game as a college head coach will come against defending national champion North Carolina. Thomas was hoping to face a much easier foe like the New York Knicks.

New Jersey Devils star Zach Parise recently took batting practice with the Minnesota Twins. If we played in the NHL we’d be looking for another job too.

Reliever Billy Wagner has been traded to the Boston Red Sox. In return, the Mets will receive two players to be injured later.

Former President Nelson Mandela recently met with controversial runner Caster Semenya. The pair has plenty in common including their South African roots and their ability to pee while standing up.

Lou Pinella says he expects to return to the Cubs next season. He doesn’t want to, but he expects to.

Dirk Nowitzki’s ex-girlfriend has been sentenced to five years in prison for violating probation. All in all, it’s a much more lenient sentence than a lifetime with Dirk Nowitzki.

Boston Red Sox hurler Daisuke Matsuzaka allowed five runs in the first inning of a rehab start. The last person to struggle this much in rehab was Amy Winehouse.

Timberwolves general manager David Kahn recently made his third trip to Spain over the past two months. At this point it’s unclear whether he’s trying to sign Ricky Rubio or dating him.

California beat Chinese Taipei to win the Little League World Series. What did you expect? The entire team was made in Taiwan.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Question of the Week

Lawrence, Chaska, MN
Subj: Feeling a draft
How many times has the top pick in the NBA draft won the rookie of the year award?

Superb question, Lawrence! It may surprise you to learn the first overall pick has won the award only 17 times in the 56 years the league has honored its Rookie of the Year. Although most of the winners have been top five picks, a number of ballers have come out of nowhere to capture the award including Mark Jackson, who was selected 18th overall in 1987, Jamaal Wilkes, who was taken with the 11th pick in 1974 and Terry Dischinger, who was snatched up 10th overall in 1962. However, I suspect those anomalies are things of the past. Today’s rigorous scouting methods as well as the NBA’s new age restriction make it unlikely we’ll ever see a low draft pick win the award again.

Monday, August 24, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Brett Favre went 1-4 in his debut with the Vikings. He likely would have had more snaps if he hadn’t retired during the second quarter.

John Smoltz says he understands why the Red Sox gave up on him. Anyone who knows an ERA should be lower than the national deficit can understand that.

The International Athletic Federation is forcing South Africa's Caster Semenya to undergo a gender test. Semenya will be allowed to stay in the woman’s division if she can watch The View for longer than 30 seconds.

The New York Mets are expected to dump Gary Sheffield. Let’s hope they also remember to flush.

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels appears to be taking his clothing cues from Bill Belichick. Or a hobo. One or the other.

The NFL will try to crack down on binge drinking at games during the 2009 season. No one is more upset with the news than Matt Leinart.

The bludgeoned body of a 22-year-old man was recently found on Chipper Jones' ranch. Police have already ruled out Jones as a suspect since he hasn’t been hitting anything this year.

A Florida theme park plans to name a new high speed ride in honor of Dale Earnhardt. Isn’t that a little bit like naming an airplane after Roberto Clemente?

Plaxico Burress has hired a prison consultant to get ready for life behind bars. Wouldn’t it have been a lot cheaper to have just bought soap on a rope?

Lou Piniella has expressed interest in returning to the Cubs in 2010. Well sure, misery always loves company.

Cincinnati Reds starter Aaron Harang is out for the rest of the season after having his appendix removed. Finally, an organ that’s almost as useless as the rest of the Reds’ pitching staff.

The Boston Red Sox have dropped struggling starter Brad Penny from their rotation. Luckily for him bad pennies always seem to come back.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Question of the Week

Randall, Homer Glen, IL
Subj: What’s love got to do with it?
There’s something I’ve always wanted to know. Why is a score of zero in tennis called "love"?

Like many things in life, you can blame the French for this one. The practice dates back to the 13th century when the fledging racket sport was sweeping the French countryside from Marseille to Calais. Players and spectators at the time noticed that a zero resembled an egg, so they began referring to it in their native dialect as “l’oeuf.” The word soon caught on and when tennis was introduced to the U.S., Americans misheard the term as “love.” This corrupted word has been an essential part of the game’s lexicon ever since.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Nate Robinson was arrested for driving without a license. As if that weren’t bad enough, the arresting officers also confiscated the three phone books he was sitting on.

Washington is trying to lower expectations for hard-throwing pitcher Stephen Strasburg. That shouldn’t be a problem since the Nationals and lowered expectations have always gone hand in hand.

The Sacramento Kings have promised Sean May $100,000 if he shows up to training camp weighing 265 pounds or less. Now comes the hard part: deciding whether to cut off his right leg or his left leg.

Stephon Marbury was recently spotted on film smoking weed. Then again, maybe that was just his career that was going up in smoke.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird is scheduled to undergo minor throat surgery. Apparently he was feeling a little hoarse.

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett have decided to name their son Hank Baskett IV. The couple failed to explain why they’re naming him after a piece of medical equipment.

Quentin Richardson has been traded for the fourth time this off-season. On the positive side, he now has enough frequent flyer miles to circle the Moon.

The Phoenix Suns have signed forward Taylor Griffin. Right idea, wrong Griffin.

Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable allegedly had a violent physical altercation with defensive assistant Randy Hanson during a staff meeting. You know your team’s in trouble when your head coach is also your hardest hitter.

Monica Seles has released her first autobiography. It’s nice to hear she’s taking a stab at a new career.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Book Of Beer Pong

I’m delighted to announce that I was recently published in The Book of Beer Pong: The Official Guide to the Sport of Champions. For novices, this book is Beer Pong 101. For experts, it’s a bible. Either way, it’s the first exhaustively investigated, fully illustrated, and thoroughly awesome guide to the sport. Decades of collective experience and hundreds of hours of in-field research don’t lie. The Book of Beer Pong will redefine the way you play—and live—the world’s greatest sport. Get your very own copy of The Book of Beer Pong by clicking here.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Question of the Week

Simpsonville, KY
Subj: Another one bites the dust
Has anyone ever been killed during a pro football game?

I’m afraid so, Charles. Detroit Lions wide receiver Chuck Hughes made history in 1971 when he suffered a fatal heart attack during the final minutes of a game against the Chicago Bears. The Lions subsequently retired his number 85 and now give out an award in his honor to the team’s most improved player. Although in-game deaths are still an oddity in the NFL, they continue to be far too common at the amateur level. According to The National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury, more than 1,002 players have died as a direct result of football-related injuries since the organization began gathering data in 1931. In fact, football was once considered to be so dangerous a pursuit that President Theodore Roosevelt seriously considered banning the sport after 18 players were fatally injured in 1905 alone. Roosevelt’s scrutiny eventually led to widespread changes in the game including the banning of mass tackles and the creation of the neutral zone, thereby making the sport far safer for everyone involved.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Real Madrid has insured Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs for $142 million. In related news, the Los Angeles Galaxy has insured David Beckham’s brain for $3.

The Yankees are reportedly watching their wallet. We’d be doing the same thing if we played in the Bronx.

Mike D’Antoni believes the Knicks need more size in the backcourt. A higher IQ in the owner’s box wouldn’t hurt either.

Vince Young has said he expects to reach the Hall of Fame. We expect he’ll have to buy a ticket to get in.

The Arena Football League has shut down its operations. Luckily, spectators who enjoy watching second-rate football can still tune into the Lions.

Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett has withdrawn a request for early release from prison. Clarett changed his mind after learning that White Castle was no longer hiring.

Preakness Stakes winner Rachel Alexandra is getting her very own line of wine. All things considered, it’s a lot better than being turned into her very own line of glue.

Tiger Woods was overheard passing gas on the 18th hole at the Buick open. All things considered, his fart was far more intelligent than anything that came out of John Daly’s mouth all weekend.

A Red Sox fan was recently spotted drinking beer from a sneaker at Fenway Park. God knows, it’s not the first time a Boston fan has put his foot in his mouth.

Junior Seau is joining the Dodgers as the team’s newest bat boy. It’s never a good sign when your bat boy is also your biggest hitter.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have been fined for leaking their 2010 schedule. Apparently the NBA didn’t want anyone to know they were still in the league.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Question of the Week

Ron, Spring Branch, TX
Subj: Best athletes in history
Are drugs the reason we have seen “the best ever” in so many sports the past 20 years or so?

Drugs are certainly part of the equation, but today’s athletes have also benefited greatly from better training methods and technological advances. Babe Ruth is a perfect example. Imagine how much better the Bambino could have been if he ever exercised in the off-season, or for that matter, if he simply abstained from eating hot dogs in between his at-bats. One also has to wonder how much better Ruth’s batting average could have been if he had opted for one of today’s more streamlined Louisville Sluggers rather than the 54-ounce railroad tie he used for most of his career. I have no doubt that HGH can transform a skinny shortstop into an unstoppable slugger but I also think that the evolution of off-season training, better equipment, improved coaching and scouting methods and even the use of video are all big reasons why today’s athletes are among the best we’ve ever witnessed.

Monday, August 3, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly recently posted his worst score ever in a regular PGA Tour event. In fact, his score was so high many observers mistook it for his blood alcohol level.

Arizona runningback Beanie wells has lost 22 pounds since April. His ability to lose big makes him a perfect fit for the Cardinals.

Heavy rainfalls postponed the Pocono Cup. On the positive side, many NASCAR fans were treated to their first shower in nearly a month.

Lamar Odom has signed a three year extension with the Los Angeles Lakers. Specifics weren't discussed, but Odom should have no problem maintaining his strict diet of Laffy Taffy and Peppermint Puffs for many years to come.

Former Cy Young Award winner Cliff Lee says he feels no pressure after joining the Phillies. In fact, after leaving Cleveland all he feels is relief.

Injured infielder Jose Reyes was recently spotted dancing all night at a Latino hotspot in Washington Heights. In his defense, he was just ecstatic not to be watching the Mets.

Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is scheduled to have season-ending shoulder surgery in August. His season is ending so early it’s almost as if he plays for the Detroit Lions.

Insiders believe Ricky Rubio is still two years away from joining the NBA. And one million years away from joining the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Titans runningback LenDale White has dropped 30 pounds over six months simply by giving up tequila. John Daly once tried the same thing and all he lost was six months.

Jamaal Tinsley is looking for a one-year deal with either New York or Miami. Strippers in both towns are awaiting his decision with baited breath.

Nuggets guard J.R. Smith has been released from a New Jersey jail. It’s not what you think – he was just there to get more tattoos.