Wednesday, December 31, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Viagra has signed on to become a sponsor of the NHL, which makes sense because if you’ve ever had an erection that lasted for three days, then you know the value of putting it on ice.

Tom Brady is rumored to have proposed to his girlfriend Gisele Bundchen on Christmas Eve. It’s nice to hear that at least one Patriot will be getting a ring this year.

The Utah Jazz have announced that forward Carlos Boozer will undergo arthroscopic knee surgery. A boozer hasn’t made this many headlines since the last time John Daly passed out at Hooters.

The Houston Rockets have re-acquired Dikembe Mutumbo. The veteran center has been signed for the remainder of the season or until his old age pension kicks in, whichever comes first.

Houston has fired three coaches including Defensive coordinator Richard Smith. The last time this many Texans were axed, Davy Crockett was present.

Randy Johnson has signed a one-year contract with the Giants. He’s expected to attract a huge fan base since San Francisco men are known to have an affinity for big units.

The New York Yankees have signed back-up catcher Kevin Cash. It’s the first time in years the Yankees have acquired cash rather than throwing it away.

The Mets are reportedly uninterested in signing Andruw Jones, which is a shame, because if he puts on any more weight he should be able to cover all three outfield positions without even moving.

Lance Armstrong has revealed that he and his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, are expecting a baby in June. The announcement means that Pacman Jones is now just the second hardest working nut in sports.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Question of the Week

Joe, Cleveland, OH
Subj: College Football
What is the average age of a Division I college football player in his senior year?

The average age of a college senior is 21. However, there are some exceptions. Take Chris Weinke, for instance. The former Florida State quarterback played six years of minor league baseball within the Toronto Blue Jays organization before trading in his glove for a helmet. By the time Weinke was in his senior year he was 28-years-old, practically making him a senior himself. Fortunately, his maturity was an asset and he led the nation in passing and won the Heisman Trophy, the Davey O’Brien Award and the Johnny Unitas Award en route to guiding the Seminoles to the Orange Bowl.

Monday, December 22, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

NASCAR has settled a $225 million lawsuit filed by a former official who said she was subjected to racial discrimination and sexual harassment. The news comes as a shock to many NASCAR fans who didn’t realize harass was one word.

Lindsay Davenport is pulling out of the Australian Open because she is pregnant with her second child. It’s nice to know that at least one person in her marriage knows how to pull out.

Vince Young is suing former major leaguer Enos Cabell for trying to use his initials and "Invinceable" nickname to sell products without his permission. Luckily for Young, the names “Cry Baby” and “Whiner” are still available.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia is expected to receive a $9.5 million bonus from the New York Yankees. Or as he calls it, lunch money.

A woman has pleaded no contest to stalking Lakers forward Luke Walton. The California resident has been sentenced to three years' probation, told to attend counseling and encouraged to set her sights a little higher the next time she decides to stalk a celebrity.

NASCAR has announced it will begin testing drivers for performance-enhancing drugs in January. Drivers will be tested for 13 different narcotics, ten different barbiturates and seven varieties of moonshine.

The Boston Celtics are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Given the state of the economy who wouldn’t want a player who pays $2,600 for his own courtside seats?

The Lions slipped to 0-15 after losing 42-7 to the Saints. On the positive side, the team could be just one more loss away from a massive congressional bailout.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Question of the Week

Allan, Las Cruces, NM
Subj: Faster than a speeding bullet
In your opinion, who is the fastest football player of all time?

My vote goes to “Bullet” Bob Hayes, a man so fast he could turn off the lights and be in bed before it got dark. Prior to becoming a legend on the gridiron, Hayes was also an outstanding sprinter who established world records in the 60, 100 and 220 yard dashes during his tenure at Florida A&M. That blazing speed landed him an invitation to join the U.S. team at the 1964 Olympic Games where he collected two gold medals in what many still consider to be the greatest exhibition of pure speed in the history of international competition. Not surprisingly, Hayes’ super human ability to accelerate caught the attention of the Dallas Cowboys and the team drafted him with the 88th pick in the seventh round of the 1964 draft. It proved to be a savvy selection and Hayes went on to play ten seasons with the team, during which time he was named to three Pro Bowls and he became the first man in history to win both an Olympic gold medal and a Super Bowl ring. Sadly, he died in 2002 at the age of 59 after succumbing to liver and kidney problems, as well as prostate cancer.

Friday, November 28, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

In The Spotlight

I’m delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of Serbian sensation Jelena Jankovic is now online. Learn more about the world’s top-ranked female tennis player by clicking here.

Monday, November 24, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Wayne Bobbitt was recently dropped from a celebrity boxing card after failing several blood pressure tests. It’s certainly not the first time in his life he’s been unexpectedly cut.

Tony Romo recently took a homeless man to a movie. It’s not as generous as it sounds, though. The movie was High School Musical 3.

Upper Deck playing cards have begun offering strands of Abraham Lincoln’s hair. The company was originally going to offer Bill Clinton’s DNA but he’s been giving that away for free for years.

Syracuse handed Notre Dame its fifth loss of the season. Charlie Weis’ team has been so bad they’re considering changing their name to the Passive Aggressive Irish.

The Florida Marlins have received approval for a new downtown stadium. The proposed structure is expected to have a giant video screen, a retractable roof and seating for all five of the team’s fans.

The White Sox have reached a tentative agreement with 19-year-old Cuban star Dayan Viciedo. The infielder should have no problem passing his physical given the fact he swam all the way from Havana to Key West.

Players on FC Copenhagen are being offered two free adult movies every time they win on the pitch. If nothing else, the films should really help them with their ball handling.

A die hard San Francisco sports fan recently got a huge tattoo of Barry Bonds on his back. Fittingly, the tattoo took five needles to complete.

Texas Tech defeated East Central by a lopsided score of 167-115. The last time the Red Raiders were involved in a beating that profound it involved Bobby Knight and a belt.

A new cable Ski Channel is scheduled to launch on Christmas Day. It should all be downhill from there.

Lab technicians from the World Anti-Doping Agency are currently testing Viagra for its use as a performance-enhancing drug. You’d definitely want to knock twice before you entered that lab.

Subway has agreed to a long-term partnership with Michael Phelps to promote their 12 foot long party subs. Or as Phelps calls them, breakfast.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Question of the Week

George, Torrington, WY
Subj: Working Out
Hey there Ryan, I like to doing a lot of cardio and weight-lifting in my spare time and I was wondering if you could recommend a list of songs that I can add to my iPod to help keep me pumped when I'm working out.

Superb question, George. I’ve been known to pump a little iron myself (with an emphasis on the "little”), and these are my five favorite tunes to listen to while I work myself into a lather.
1. Welcome to the Jungle – Guns ‘N’ Roses. Axel Rose may be a bit of a punk, but he definitely knows how to get a party started. Plus, his proclivity for wearing spandex on stage makes him a natural fit for this list.
2. All Night Long – AC/DC. The ultimate hard rock song, this Aussie classic is guaranteed to pick up your heart rate faster than watching an all-female yoga class.
3. Eye of the Tiger – Survivor. If you don’t find Rocky inspiring, it’s definitely time to check your pulse. Incidentally, this is also my favorite song to listen to while sparring with large slabs of frozen meat.
4. Enter Sandman – Metallica. If it’s good enough for Mariano Rivera, then it’s definitely good enough for a lightweight like me.
5. Start Me Up – The Rolling Stones. Just thinking of Keith Richards instantly makes me want to work out ten times harder. God knows, it’s a lot cheaper than getting a complete blood transfusion.

Monday, November 17, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Barack Obama intends to build a basketball court inside the White House. It will mark the first time someone has played with their balls in the building since Bill Clinton lived there.

Detroit could be in danger of losing the Lions. Luckily the team’s fans already know a thing or two about coping with loss.

A new medical report has revealed that rookie forward Danilo Gallinari has a bloated bulging disc in his back. It’s certainly not the first time the words “bloated” and “bulging” have been used to describe a New York Knick.

49ers star Frank Gore has been diagnosed with a mild neck tinge. The runningback has blamed the injury on his habit of abruptly looking away every time Mike Singletary drops his pants.

Michael Vick has said he hopes to return to the NFL as early as next season. In fact, the troubled QB assured reporters he’s working like a dog just to get ready.

The New York Yankees intend to “blow away” C.C. Sabathia with a huge contract offer. It’s a refreshing tactic for a team that in recent years has simply blown.

Former Ohio State offensive linemen T.J. Downing was recently arrested for pot possession. In his defense, he thought they were just buckeyes.

The Seattle Mariners have come up with a list of seven candidates to be their next GM. The team plans to go with who ever selects the shortest straw.

The Denver Broncos have signed free agent runningback Tatum Bell. Bell is expected to join the team as soon as he can find his luggage… or, failing that, someone else’s.

The Cavaliers plan to make a run at Vince Carter. Given the way his skills have deteriorated they may not have to run very fast.

A teenage girl is suing her school after she was forced to play football in gym class. It could have been worse; she could have been forced to watch the Bengals.

Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez finished fourth in the Rookie of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a rookie. In related news, Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield finished tenth in the Humanitarian of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a human.

Jerry Jones says he “absolutely” believes Dallas will make the playoffs. Unfortunately for football fans he was referring to the Mavericks.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Question of the Week

Patrick, Augusta, ME
Subj: Two-timing Tom
Hey Ryan, I heard a broadcaster say that Tom Brady was a two-sport star back in high school. What was his other sport?

Brady was an outstanding catcher on the baseball team at Junipero Serra High, an all-boys school in San Mateo, California, that also counts Barry Bonds, Lynn Swann, Gregg Jeffries and Jim Fregosi among its famous alumni. In fact, scouts were so impressed with Brady’s rocket of an arm that the Montreal Expos took a flyer and drafted him in the 18th round of the 1995 Major League draft. Luckily for Patriots fans, Brady decided to pass on the offer and he accepted a football scholarship to Michigan instead, where he led the Wolverines to two Bowl appearances and never once lost to Appalachian State.

Monday, November 10, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez plans to attend the Victoria's Secret Fashion show next Saturday night. It should be refreshing for him not to be the biggest boob in the room.

Babe Ruth’s final road uniform is currently on the auction block. Something tells us the Bambino would be delighted to know that people are still trying to get into his pants.

The Knicks beat the Bobcats 101-98 to ruin Larry Brown’s return to Madison Square Garden. The only way the night could have been more satisfying for New Yorkers is if Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury spontaneously combusted at half court.

Bud Selig has told his colleagues that he does not want Mark Cuban to buy the Chicago Cubs. Apparently the only Cubans he wants in baseball are the ones that come to America on top of a floating doorframe.

The New England Patriots have fired one of their cheerleaders after a series of racy photos popped up on her Facebook page. On the positive side she now has 21 million new Facebook friends.

Jose Canseco has pleaded guilty to trying to bring a fertility drug across the border from Mexico. The real crime is the fact that they let him back into America at all.

Magic Johnson reportedly cried all night long after Barack Obama beat John McCain to become the country's first African-American president. Mind you, he also had the same reaction after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

The father of suspended Ohio State receiver Ray Small says the school is intentionally trying to ruin his son’s career. If that were true they would have traded him to Notre Dame.

Point guard Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so does half the town’s population.

Boston College has unveiled a life-sized statue of Doug Flutie. The sculpture will also serve as a height chart to determine if fans are tall enough to get into the stadium.

The Houston Astros have signed Taiwanese pitcher Chia-Jen Lo. Hopefully he holds up better than most products made in Taiwan.

Manu Ginobili could be rejoining the San Antonio Spurs sooner than expected. No word yet on who will take his place as Balki in the touring Broadway production of Perfect Strangers.

Willie Randolph has been named bench coach of the Brewers. The Mets are planning to call and congratulate him at 3:00 am tomorrow morning.

The San Antonio Spurs are 0-3 for the first time since 1973. Ironically, that was also the rookie year of many of their current starters.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Question of the Week

Larry, Los Angeles, CA
Subj: Letter of the law
Why does the letter “K” stand for a strike out on the official scorer’s card?

We have Henry Chadwick to thank for that. The revered sportswriter and amateur statistician was the first individual to develop a workable box score during the 1850s. According to his methodology, Chadwick used letters rather than numbers to denote action on the field. For instance, the letter “S” represented a single, the letter “T” was used to note a triple and the letter “I” signified an inning. By the time he was ready to assign a letter for a strikeout, the “S” was already taken so Chadwick instead used the letter “K” since he considered it to be the most prominent sounding letter in that word. More than 150 years later, the “K” is still used by baseball statisticians and regular fans in stadiums around the world.

Monday, November 3, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chris Berman will interview Senator John McCain at halftime of Monday Night Football. Although McCain never played the sport he did letter in chariot racing during high school.

Shaquille O’Neal recently called Kobe Bryant the best player in the NBA. The league is expected to test his urine immediately.

C.C. Sabathia has filed for free agency. The veteran pitcher is expected to get at least $20 million, or as he calls it, lunch money.

The Raiders are reportedly interested in signing quarterback Michael Vick. Luckily for him, Oakland is one of the few places in America where a prison record is practically a job requirement.

The Thunder picked up their first victory in franchise history with an 88-85 win over the Timberwolves. Folks in Oklahoma City haven’t been this excited since the town got electricity.

Fox is weighing whether to assign reporter Danyelle Sargent to more NFL games. Perhaps they should give Bill Walsh a call and see what he thinks.

Unemployed quarterback Daunte Culpepper spent the day with the Detroit Lions. That should certainly cure him of his desire to ever play football again.

John Daly was held overnight in a North Carolina jail after passing out at a Hooters. According to observers, Daly first began drinking heavily when he realized he had the biggest boobs in the restaurant.

Matt Leinart has said that he isn’t concerned about losing playing time to Kurt Warner. Of course, that could just be the booze talking.

The New York Mets are thinking of signing free agent reliever J.J. Putz. It’s a surprising development considering that their bullpen is already overflowing with putzes.

Paula Radcliffe won the New York City Marathon with a time of two hours, 23 minutes, and 56 seconds. The 40-year-old Cheshire native probably could have finished even sooner if she wasn’t mugged three times down the stretch.

Eddy Curry has failed to crack the Knicks starting rotation after an abysmal preseason. Given his enormous weight gain, it’s the only thing he hasn’t cracked this year.

Lance Armstrong won the individual time trial of the 25th annual Tour de Gruene. Apparently riding an Olsen Twin really can get you in good shape.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Question of the Week

Brad, Novi, Michigan
Subj: What’s in a name?
I heard that Jonathan Papelbon has a slider-cutter hybrid pitch that he calls the slutter. Is it common for pitchers to name their specialty pitches?

Absolutely, Brad. Former Mets reliever Tug McGraw assigned names to nearly all of his fastballs, including the Lady Godiva, which had nothing on it, the John Jameson, which was fast and straight like a fine Irish whiskey, and the Bo Derek, which had a nice little tail. As amusing as his names may have been, nobody can beat the outlandish creativity of former NBA journeyman Darryl Dawkins, who coined unique handles for every one of his highlight reel dunks. Among his most legendary were the In Your Face Disgrace, the Go-rilla, the Earthquaker Shaker, the Candyslam, the Dunk You Very Much, the Turbo Sexophonic Delight, the Spine Chiller Supreme and, my personal favorite, the Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Glass-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Babies-Crying, Glass-Still-Flying, Cats-Crying, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Thank You-Wham-Bam-I-Am-Jam. The NBA is a far less colorful place without Chocolate Thunder rattling its rims.

Monday, October 27, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig hopes to shorten the postseason by two or three days next season. Unless, of course, the Red Sox or Yankees are in it, in which case he’ll extend it by a month.

The Police Athletic League have named Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain their 2008 Athlete of the Year. Apparently Joba isn’t the only one who’s been drinking too much lately.

The Colorado Rockies have expressed interest in hiring Willie Randolph. Unfortunately they’ll have to contact him in person since he unplugged his phone nearly three months ago.

Swedish fans delayed a pro hockey game by littering the ice with dildos. In many ways it was just like watching a regular hockey game, only with fewer dickheads.

The Florida Marlins are talking trades. Specifically, they’d like to trade their fans for ones that actually give a damn.

Michael Phelps has been spotted with Hugh Hefner’s ex girlfriend, Holly Madison. Apparently she wanted a guy with slightly more active swimmers.

Albert Pujols was presented with the Roberto Clemente Award in Philadelphia. The St. Louis slugger opted to play it safe by driving to the ceremony.

Tom Brady was spotted checking out a $145,000 engagement ring in Beverly Hills. Given the state of his injury, it might be the last ring he ever gets.

The NBA’s GMs have selected Michael Beasley to win the league’s Rookie of the Year award over Greg Oden in a preseason poll conducted at On the positive side, Oden was chosen as the Player Most Likely to Receive a Senior Citizen’s Discount at his Local Multiplex.

The Tampa Bay Rays have set a new postseason record for steals in the month of October. The last time Florida was involved in this much blatant thievery was the 2000 presidential elections.

David Wright and Carlos Delgado were recently granted pistol permits. No word yet on whether members of the Mets bullpen are in immediate jeopardy.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Question of the Week

Kevin, Collinsville, IL
Subj: What’s in a name?
There’s something that’s always perplexed me: why are quarterbacks called quarterbacks?

The term harkens back to the sport’s early days and relates to the distance that the team’s signal caller stood behind his offensive line. According to the rigid structure of the time, the offensive line represented one extreme and the fullback represented the other, therefore the player playing half way between the two was the halfback and the player between the offensive line and the halfback was, quite literally, the quarterback. Who knew that football involved so much math?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Cleveland guard Delonte West is reportedly dealing with depression. Now he finally knows what it feels like to be a Cavs fan.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have hired Joe Kerrigan to be their new pitching coach. Kerrigan will replace Jeff Andrews, who left due to shell shock.

Sources report that Yankees star Joba Chamberlain was recently heckled at a Nebraska strip club. After all, he was blocking the view of 27 patrons.

Kobe Bryant hyper extended his right knee in a game against the Bobcats. The rest of the NBA can hardly wait to add insult to injury.

Alex Rodriguez is close to purchasing an $80 penthouse apartment in Manhattan. The 5,200 square foot pad has four bedrooms – one for A-Rod and three for his ego.

Willie Randolph is expected to be among the leading candidates for the Brewers' managerial vacancy. Randolph can barely wait for the 3:00 am phone call telling him he has the job.

Los Angeles guard Baron Davis sprained his ring finger. Luckily he isn’t expected to need it as long as he stays with the Clippers.

The NBA will expand its use of instant replay this season. In related news, the NBA will expand its use of instant replay this season.

New York Jets fans are bidding as much as $65,000 for seat licenses in the team’s new stadium. You know the economy’s out of whack when a single seat is fetching more than most of the houses in New Jersey.

Two University of Georgia football players have been arrested, bringing the total since January to 10. On the positive side, Georgia’s prison system is now just a quarterback and a left tackle away from being able to compete in the NCAA.

Patriots QB Matt Cassel threw three touchdown passes in a 41-7 win over the Broncos. The USC grad was so impressive that Gisele Bundchen was spotted giving him her phone number following the game.

Jose Canseco has agreed to fight Danny Bonaduce in a Celebrity Boxing Federation bout in January.The announcement has come as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize Jose Canseco was still a celebrity.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Simply The Best

I recently had the honor of contributing a handful of athlete profiles for's third annual compendium of The Top 49 Most Influential Men in the World. Click here to learn more about international superstars like Rafael Nadal, Usain Bolt, Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez and LeBron James.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Six Nuggets including Nene, Kenyon Martin, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter and Chris Andersen have lost a combined 76 pounds since the beginning of the summer. In related news, rotund coach George Karl appears to have found all of them.

The Philadelphia Phillies have decided to start veteran pitcher Jamie Moyer in game one of the World Series. The 45-year-old hurler will be on a very strict pitch count since he likes to be in bed by 9:00 pm.

Jose Canseco has been charged with a misdemeanor offense of trying to bring a reproductive drug across the border from Mexico. Apparently it’s only his imagination that’s fertile.

Joey Chestnut ate 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes to win the world’s first Pizza Eating Championship in Manhattan. New Yorkers haven’t seen a mouth that big since Stephon Marbury.

Former NBA guard Kevin Johnson has called upon Charles Barkley to help him become the next mayor of Sacramento. It’s a wise move. Anyone that fat should get at least five votes.

A New York model has revealed that Alex Rodriguez has a huge foot fetish. It’s hardly surprising considering he’s spent most of his career with his own foot in his mouth.

The man who caught the final home run hit at Yankee Stadium by Jose Molina has decided to sell it at an auction. It may be the only time in history where a ball is more valuable than the player who hit it.

John Madden will miss calling an NFL game this weekend after working 476 in a row. Madden will be temporarily replaced by Cris Collinsworth, who has promised to ease the transition for fans by spending 72 hours on a bus and eating three times his own weight in food.

The Charlotte Bobcats are attempting to trade Adam Morrison. The team is believed to be looking for a big man but they’d be happy to settle for anyone who doesn’t look like a roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.

A small electrical fire damaged the Citgo sign over Fenway's Green Monster in left field. You know you’re having a rough post season when the only thing that gets hot is your signs.

Madonna has announced that she’s divorcing Guy Ritchie to be with Alex Rodriguez. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still active in the post season.

Roger Clemens says he lacks the desire to play again because he’s enjoying his free time. It’s amazing how much you can get done when no one wants your autograph.

Former Yankee infielder Tom Tresh has died at the age of 71. His passing is particularly devastating since he would have been a huge upgrade over Robinson Cano.

A new report suggests that 1,055 athletes were injured at the Beijing Games. The unusually high number includes 300 Chinese athletes who had their legs broken for failing to win gold.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Question of the Week

Dave, Bristol, CT
Subj: Dialing long distance
Which player holds the record for the most career grand slams?

That honor belongs to Lou Gehrig, who hit 23 grand salamis during his prestigious career. Although his record was once considered unbreakable, it’s highly probable it will be surpassed sometime in the next five years by either Manny Ramirez, who currently has 20, or Alex Rodriguez, who is stuck at 15. Incidentally, 12 players have hit two grand slams in the same game, including former Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller, who is also the only player in Major League history to have hit his grand slams from opposite sides of the plate.

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Laughing Matter

I recently joined forces with a cadre of America’s top stand-up comedians for a hilarious article in this week’s Sports Illustrated. Read all of our offbeat views on the 2008 MLB playoffs by clicking here.

Friday, October 10, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez was recently spotted going into Madonna's Central Park West highrise. It's October, though, so we're assuming he probably struck out.

Barry Bonds made a rare public appearance in San Francisco recently and said he is enjoying life away from baseball. That’s quite a coincidence since baseball is really enjoying life away from Barry Bonds.

A judge has moved Travis Henry’s cocaine-trafficking trial to Montana. It’s believed to be the first time the words “Montana” and “Traffic” have been used in the same sentence.

American gymnast Alicia Sacramone has said that having an Olympic medal is “like getting a get out of jail free card." Somehow we think Marion Jones might disagree.

The New Orleans Saints have decided to feature a picture of a blown facemask call on the front page of their website. It’s uncertain whether the image will attract any attention since the Internet is already full of pictures of things getting blown.

Stephon Marbury has said that he would be happy to come off the bench. It’s a surprising declaration considering the only thing worse than not starting for the Knicks is actually having to watch them play.

Michael Phelps was formally welcomed home to Baltimore with a massive parade. The procession was scheduled to last three hours but Phelps finished it in just 1 minute and 37 seconds.

Red Sox DH David Ortiz is currently auctioning his bed for charity. It’s the perfect item for someone who likes to score up to 100 times a year.

New York reliever Ambiorix Burgos has turned himself in following a hit-and-run accident. Police were amazed at how easily he gave up until they remembered he pitched for the Mets.

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael, is looking to take someone on in the ring for $5,000. And based on her career prospects, it might just be Lindsay.

Jaguars receiver Matt Jones will have his cocaine charge heard in drug court rather than the regular criminal system. As everyone knows, drug court is a lot faster since it has fewer lines.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Question of the Week

Keith, Norfolk, VA
Subj: Eligible Bachelorettes
Yo Ryan, I'm 27 and I want to date a hot female professional athlete. In your opinion, who are the Top five eligible bachelorettes? Thanks brotha!

Excellent question, Keith. It’s times like this that I feel I can truly give back something to my fellow man.

1. Amy Acuff (High Jump) – This two-time Olympian and part-time model has appeared in sizzling pictorials in Vogue, Rolling Stone and Glamour. The good news is she’s slim, trim and perfectly toned. The bad news is she’s also fast enough to run away from you.

2. Lokelani McMichael (Triathlon) – The youngest female to ever participate in the Ironman Triathlon, Lokelani is a native Hawaiian who knows a thing or two about getting leied.

3. Jelena Dokić (Tennis) - Imagine Anna Kournikova with talent and you have Jelena Dokić. This 25-year-old stunner has been turning heads since 2001 when she won her first singles title. However, convincing her to play a game of doubles is entirely up to you.

4. Gretchen Bleiler (Snowboarding) – A member of the U.S. snowboarding team, this 26-year-old buxom blonde beauty has the kind of jaw-dropping flexibility that only comes around once in a lifetime.

5. Veronika Kay (Surfing) – A former National Scholastic Surfing Association champ, this curvaceous Californian was a participant on the reality TV show Boarding House: North Shore. With any luck, she’s ingested just enough salt water over her lifetime to consider giving you a shot.

Monday, October 6, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Beyond The Media

Are you looking for quality images of your favorite athletes? Drop by Beyond The Media, a fabulous new blog containing dozens of colorful hi-res photos of international stars like Cristano Ronaldo and Danica Patrick. You can learn more about this super slick site by clicking here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Question of the Week

Jonah, Bloomington, IL
Subj: Dino
Is it true that Dean Martin was a boxer before be became an entertainer?

That’s correct, Jonah. Dino was a high school dropout who turned to boxing at the age of 15 in order to make ends meet. Unfortunately Martin didn’t have much of a feel for the sweet science and, as he recalls, he "won all but 11 of 12 fights." His brief time in the ring also left him with a broken nose, a permanently split lip and several sets of broken knuckles. Although his tenure as a professional pugilist was short-lived, Martin returned to boxing several years later when he moved to New York. According to legend, he and his roommate, Sonny King, used to cobble together rent money by charging friends a dollar each to watch them box in their living room. Comedian Denis Leary remembers talking to Martin about his amateur face-offs. “It’s classic. He said they’d get like 15 or 20 people a night,” Leary recalls. “That’s how they’d pay the rent. That’s old school.”

Monday, September 29, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets are currently selling their Shea Stadium dugout for $100,000. Call now and they’ll even toss in Scott Schoeneweis and Luis Ayala for free.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says he plans to stick with Kurt Warner at quarterback for the foreseeable future. If Matt Leinart doesn’t have a drinking problem yet, he certainly will now.

Lance Armstrong has hired anti-doping expert Don Catlin to test him anytime, anywhere, and to post the results online for the world to see. We haven’t seen a guy this eager to get pricked since Clay Aiken.

A dozen athletes, including six NFL players, have agreed to donate their brains to science. The brains of the football players are considered to be especially valuable since they’ve never been used.

A USC football recruit has been sentenced to four years in prison for armed robbery. On the positive side, he’ll be eligible to play for the Bengals as soon as he’s released.

German long jumper Kofi Amoah Prah retired after receiving a two-year ban for cocaine use. Authorities first suspected Prah was using the drug after observing how he would always jump into the sand pit nose first.

Tigers pitcher Todd Jones has announced he’s retiring from baseball. The veteran reliever decided it was time to step down when he noticed scouts were measuring his fastball with a calendar.

New York City police say they arrested 18 people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game. New York’s finest were so overzealous they even brought in Bobby Abreu after he was spotted stealing second base in the seventh inning.

The Red Sox clinched the team’s fifth playoff berth in the last six seasons while simultaneously eliminating the Yankees. Boston residents were so excited they managed to forget about Tom Brady’s knee for a full five seconds.

Saints left guard Jamar Nesbit has been suspended without pay for violating the NFL's policy on steroids. Authorities first suspected Nesbit was juicing after noticing he kept on bumping his head on the roof of the Superdome.

Good news out of Denver. Nuggets guard Allen Iverson has said that he would consider a pay cut… for Kenyon Martin.

The U.S. Olympic dressage team had its fourth-place finish in Beijing stripped when a horse tested positive for drugs. As if that weren’t bad enough, new reports are also suggesting the horse may not have been 16 years old.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. Check it out here!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Question of the Week

Charles, Oklahoma City, OK
Subj: Going the distance
Who holds the Major League record for most innings pitched in a game?

That honor is shared by Leon Cadore and Joe Oeschger, a pair of rubber-armed hurlers who logged 26 innings each in a 1920 marathon match between Brooklyn and Boston. The epic game featured 168 at-bats, nine walks and six sacrifices and lasted for three hours and fifty minutes before being declared a 1-1 tie on account of darkness. Despite the length of the game, Cadore later insisted that he could have kept on pitching. "I remember saying, ‘Sure, but I can go one more,' figuring something just had to happen one way or the other, but that was the way it went through the 26th,” he told the press. “True, maybe a couple more innings could have been played. But as you can see what a crime it would have been to have a loss marked up against either pitcher.” Interestingly, Cadore and Oeschger also went the distance just one week before their epic duel with Cadore coming out ahead 1-0 after 11 grueling innings.

Monday, September 22, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Danny Granger has donated $500,000 to New Mexico's athletic department. It’s an impressive contribution considering the last time an Indiana Pacer gave away that much money it was at a strip club.

C.C. Sabathia lost his second consecutive game for the suddenly floundering Milwaukee Brewers. The big left hander was so despondent afterwards that he couldn’t eat for nearly five minutes.

Mavs forward Josh Howard was caught on video disrespecting the American national anthem before a charity flag-football game. Sure, it sounds bad, but in his defense he was so high at the time he thought he was in Paraguay.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has added the president of Xerox and the chairman of Electronic Arts to its board of directors. I should clarify: the EA chairman joined first. The Xerox guy just copied him.

The Cowboys managed to beat the Packers 27-16 for their very first win at Lambeau Field. You know something has gone horribly awry when Hell is frozen over and Lambeau Field isn’t.

45-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer led the Phillies to a 5-2 victory over the Marlins. The veteran hurler is so old his first baseball card was printed on papyrus.

Rays manager Joe Maddon reportedly celebrated his team’s first playoff birth by drinking Dom Perignon champagne, Patron tequila and red wine. In fact, the veteran skipper got so hammered that many observers mistook him for the Mets bullpen.

Detroit Lions linebacker Jordon Dizon has been sentenced to 24 hours of community service for driving while impaired. You’d think having to play for the Lions would be punishment enough.

The Houston Rockets have reached out to victims of Hurricane Ike by purchasing four tractor-trailers full of food and water. Or, as Yao Ming calls it, breakfast.

The Cubs nearly no hit the Astros for the second game in the row. In fact, Houston went so long between hits that some observers mistook them for James Blunt.

Oakland Raiders defensive end Tommy Kelly was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. On the positive side, he now has one more thing in common with Oakland Raiders fans.

The Milwaukee Bucks have announced that Charlie Villanueva will be the team’s starting forward this season. Villanueva was so surprised by the news that he lifted the area where he used to have eyebrows.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile on Capitals left winger Alexander Ovechkin is now online. Learn more about the NHL's reigning MVP by clicking here.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Question of the Week

Frank, Colorado Springs, CO
Subj: On the road again
Hey Ryan, who holds the Major League record for having played with the most franchises?

That honor belongs to Mike “Suitcase” Morgan, a well-traveled righthander who played with 12 teams during his 22 years in the Big Leagues. Far from an unwanted castoff, Morgan was actually a teenage phenom who made the jump from high school to the pros in 1978 with the Oakland Athletics. Over the next two decades this nomadic hurler was selected to one All-Star team and he compiled a respectable career record of 141 wins and 186 losses. Of course, the numbers are only half of the story. Morgan was also on the losing end of Dennis Martinez’s perfect game on July 28, 1991 and he served up Mark McGwire’s record-tying 61st home run seven years later on September 7, 1998. Thankfully he put those dubious distinctions behind him in 2001 when he appeared in his first World Series as a member of the Arizona Diamondbacks. "You watch the World Series year after year at home on television and yes, you start to think that maybe it's just not meant to be," he reflected at the time. "I mean, you see Derek Jeter, and he's 25 or so and he's been in it five times. I've been playing about as long as he's been alive. But that's what keeps you going — the hope that someday you might make it."

Monday, September 15, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

It was a busy day in Pittsburgh where Sidney Crosby and his teammates hand-delivered season tickets to fans. Meanwhile, elsewhere across town, members of the Pirates coaching staff were also spotted going door-to-door delivering their resumes.

Lance Armstrong has announced that he’ll compete in one more Tour de France. His declaration come as a surprise to many insiders since the last thing he rode to victory was an Olsen twin.

Tampa Bay quarterback Jeff Garcia sprained an ankle during the Buccaneers' season-opening loss at New Orleans and is iffy for this week's home game. That’s a nice upgrade from last year when he was iffy all season long.

Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson will likely miss the remainder of the season because of a fracture in his right index finger. Unfortunately for Wilson, that’s the same finger he uses to change the channel when Pittsburgh Pirates highlights come on the TV.

Shaquille O’Neal has revealed he plans to quit playing professional basketball in two more years. Rims around the league are already breathing a sigh of relief.

Runningback Ricky Williams reportedly negotiated his own contract extension with Bill Parcells and the Miami Dolphins. That certainly explains why it was written on a Zig Zag rolling paper.

A physicist says that Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt could have run the 100 meters in 9.55 seconds at the Olympics if he hadn’t slowed down to showboat. Ironically, the same physicist could have published his report two weeks earlier if he hadn’t stopped to brag about his results to his colleagues.

An all-white jury has been selected in O.J. Simpson's upcoming kidnapping trial. The judge had tried to select a jury of Simpsons peers, but he couldn’t find 12 unconvicted murderers on such short notice.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley accidentally exposed his genitalia in a picture posted on his personal website. We always suspected Cooley was nutty, but now we have the photo documentation to prove it.

A group of Chivas USA soccer players accidentally dropped goalkeeper Zach Thornton while carrying him off the field on a stretcher. That’s what happens when you don’t let players use their hands.

What’s the difference between the Mets bullpen and a hooker? A hooker usually gets down on her knees before she blows something.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Speculation on Sirius Satellite Radio

I recently had the pleasure of appearing on Speculation, a seriously hip call-in show hosted by fellow sports junkies Dave Golokhov and Matt Cauz. You can listen to my segment by clicking here. Simply follow the link to the archive section beneath the Speculation logo.

Monday, September 8, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tom Brady could miss the rest of the season after being hit on the left leg by Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard. On the positive side, two months of bed rest isn’t quite so daunting when that bed features Gisele Bundchen.

Stephon Marbury's cousin has written an autobiography ripping the Knicks guard for his selfish me-first attitude. Marbury has said he doesn't mind the criticism, he's just upset he isn't on the cover.

Magic center Dwight Howard reportedly used 189,000 gallons of water in July. If you spent that much time around Kobe Bryant you’d want to take a lot of showers too.

Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent had arthroscopic surgery on his left knee yesterday. The procedure took only 20 minutes, but doctors reported that Kent’s whining made it feel like three hours.

Carmelo Anthony will throw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game this Sunday. The Nuggets forward will also be available to throw out the first punch in the event of a bench-clearing brawl.

Bulgaria’s women's hockey team lost to Croatia yesterday by a score of 82-0. Just to clarify, they were playing against the country’s women’s hockey team and not, in fact, the entire country.

Oklahoma City's new NBA franchise will be called the Thunder. The name was chosen over Absolute Zero, another meteorological term which instead will be used to refer to the team's win total.

A New Jersey man has been arrested for impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected he was a fraud when he went an entire week without getting injured.

An Illinois kindergartner made history yesterday by hitting a hole in one. Sadly his victory was short-lived when he had to lay down five year's worth of allowance to buy a round of drinks in the clubhouse.

A teleconference between the media and Central Florida football coach George O'Leary was canceled Monday because school officials accidentally gave the number for a phone sex line instead of the teleconference number. Members of the media initially became suspicious since the answer to every one of their questions was “Yes, yes, YES!!!”

NBA rookies Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur were tossed out of a seminar on the importance of character and image after league officials discovered women and marijuana in their hotel room. On the positive side, the two players are expected to pass their upcoming seminar on irony with flying colors.

Newly acquired Detroit running back Rudi Johnson claims former Detroit running back Tatum Bell stole two of his bags from the team’s locker room. Most players usually have to spend at least one week with the Lions before experiencing their first loss.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

In The Spotlight

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile on Celtics captain Paul Pierce is now online. Learn more about this self-proclaimed "best player in the world" by clicking here.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. Check out the latest episode by clicking here.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Question of the Week

Charles, San Antonio, TX
Subj: Getting a jump on the competition
Hey Ryan, everyone knows that Tiger Woods was a golf prodigy, but what about Jack Nicklaus? Did The Golden Bear show flashes of greatness at a young age as well?

Absolutely, Charles. Nicklaus’s future dominance became evident in 1950 when he accompanied his father, Charlie, to the Scioto Country Club for his first round of golf. Although he was only 10-years-old at the time, Nicklaus shot a very respectable 51 for his first nine holes. Two years later he won the first of his six Ohio State Junior titles en route to becoming the most celebrated young golfer in the state.

Monday, September 1, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jessica Simpson is currently renovating Tony Romo’s home in Dallas. You can always tell when a blonde has been working on your house because all of the shingles are on the inside.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says that he’s still standing behind quarterback Matt Leinart. Well sure, someone has to be there to hold his beer funnel.

Alex Rodriguez was booed mercilessly last night in New York… and that was just by the women he’s been double-timing.

The Yankees plan to charge as much as $1,923 a pair for the seats at Yankee Stadium when the venue closes at the end of the season. On the positive side, you’ll no longer have to watch the Yankees while you’re sitting in them.

Hurricane Gustav has sent the Hornets fleeing out of New Orleans. The last time the team saw something huff and puff this much it had “Magloire” written on the back of its jersey.

Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore hit two home runs against the Tigers last night to join the 30-30 club, or the 30-30-30 club if you include the Indians’ win total.

The LPGA will require all players to speak English starting in 2009. Fortunately, players will still be allowed to swear in their native tongue when they slice a ball deep into the woods.

Good news out of Indianapolis, where Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been taken off the physically unable to perform list and put onto the physically unable to perform without whining list.

Tampa Bay Rays rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will resume hitting this week. No word yet on when the Yankees will follow suit.

Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has reportedly paid $45 million for his own private jet. It’s the perfect purchase for a man whose career has been in a holding pattern for the last three years.

Tom Brady has agreed to conduct a passing camp at Gillette Stadium for $23,000 per participant. Campers will learn about long passes, shuttle passes and most importantly, how to make passes at supermodels.

Agent Scott Boras claims that the contract signed by his client Pedro Alvarez with Pittsburgh just two weeks ago is invalid. It’s hard to know who to believe: an agent or a group of Pirates.

O.J. Simpson was reportedly knocked to the ground by his eldest daughter. And here’s the really surprising part: it wasn’t during a pay-per-view fight.

The NFL has decided to extend instant replay to cover field goals, extra points and illegal forward handoffs. Now Dolphins fans will be able to watch their season fall apart over and over again.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Question of the Week

Todd, Oakland, CA
Subj: Jack of all trades
Has there ever been a major league player who has played every position on the baseball field?

You bet, Todd. That unique feat was accomplished by José Oquendo, a sweet-fielding utility man who played all nine positions for the St. Louis Cardinals in 1988. “The Secret Weapon,” as he was affectionately known, further cemented his place in baseball history that year when he became the first position player in 20 years to earn a decision in a 19 inning loss to the Atlanta Braves. Despite turning in a solid four innings of work, Oquendo was less than thrilled with having to take the mound. “I hope this never happens again because it means that something has gone wrong,” he said after the game. Apparently his manager didn’t bother to listen because Oquendo made another relief appearance in 1991, giving up three runs in a single inning of work. He finished his career with 14 homeruns, 254 RBIs, a .256 batting average and a record of 0-1.

Monday, August 25, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Reds sent a letter to their fans apologizing for the team's play this season. Fittingly, the one page memo was riddled with errors.

Carl Pavano won his first game all season in a convincing 5-3 victory over the Orioles. The veteran righthander looked so impressive that Alyssa Milano might even start returning his calls.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps plans to write a book recounting the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims. The book is tentatively titled “Suck It, France.”

Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury. The loss is being hailed as a godsend by sports writers who can now go a full year without having to spell his name.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still making contact when he swings.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise’s first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team’s current roster, it might be the only big “W” they see all season.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England’s entry at the Little League World Series. It’s uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find someone to take Julio Lugo off his hands.

Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar is out for the season with a bruised right rib cage. Kansas City is devastated since the city has always been known for the quality of its ribs.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise yesterday, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. The fiery announcement came as a surprise to many basketball fans who didn’t even realize that Washington had a WNBA team.

Former NBA superstar Charles Barkley will reportedly undergo a televised colonoscopy. Given his girth the procedure is expected to be turned into a ten-part mini-series.

Kurt Warner has been named Arizona’s starting quarterback ahead of Matt Leinart. Leinart is expected to be devastated as soon as he sobers up.

The Jamaican women spoiled the country's shot at sweeping the Olympic sprints following a flubbed baton handoff. You just know that never would have happened if they had been passing a joint.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Question of the Week

Randall, Madison, WI
Subj: Jon Stewart’s athletic exploits
Hey Ryan, I heard that Jon Stewart used to be a good athlete. What sport did he play?

You’re absolutely correct, Randall. Stewart played soccer at the College of William & Mary for three seasons, recording 10 goals and 12 assists during his career. Although he may not have been a star on the pitch, his ability to keep his fellow teammates loose was legendary. Stewart’s former coach, Al Albert, still recalls how the current Daily Show host used to keep the mood light. “Jon's wit was famous within the team,” he says. “No one would dare even then engage him in verbal combat. None of us imagined he would take things to the level that he has, but he was, even in college, a very funny guy.” Alas, don’t expect Stewart to suit up again anytime soon. “I'm 43 and smoked for 20 years,” he quips, “I'm just happy to go out of the house without an inhaler.”

Monday, August 18, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, two years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It’s hard to say what’s more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. Actually, they're just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

Two University of Nebraska wrestlers were kicked off the team after their nude photos appeared on a prominent gay porn site. The story has gotten so much publicity that the team may be forced to change their name from the Cornhuskers to the Cornholers.

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama has told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. In related news, John McCain could use a little help getting in and out of the bathtub if anyone is available at 7:00 am tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick’s personal lawyer has been charged with securities fraud and accused of swindling $500,000 from church members. Evidentially authorities were unimpressed with his defense that God helps those who help themselves.

Stephon Marbury has announced that he plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be misunderstood in a whole new language.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn’t decide what color crayon to use.

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he’s psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he’s referring to the team and not to the line of tank-piercing weapons.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their third child. It’s believed to be the first time in months an NBA player has knocked up a woman without a paternity suit being involved.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The U.S. won bronze in men’s gymnastics. Of course, the only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you’re a male gymnast in the first place.

Michael Phelps is 5 for 5 after another record breaking swim in the 4 x 200. Phelps is doing so well that his coach plans to reward him by throwing him two extra mackerel from his big pail of fish.

China beat the U.S. to win gold in women’s gymnastics. The team’s members are now free to concentrate on their next challenge of hitting puberty.

Benjamin Boukpeti helped Togo win its first ever Olympic medal by picking up a surprise bronze in the men’s slalom kayak event. Now all Boukpeti has to do is learn how to fire an arrow, throw a javelin and ride a horse to help Togo catch up to America in the overall medal standings.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. Insiders are still amazed that Dunn could be had for a single Buck.

Kenny Chesney recently strapped on the pads and took part in a New Orleans Saints football practice. Chesney’s appearance left many players awestruck, since they had never played with someone who had made a meaningful hit.

The Red Sox have called up knuckleballer Charlie Zink from their Triple A affiliate in Pawtucket. It’s uncertain who Boston will promote next now that they’ve worked their way through the entire alphabet.

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. No word yet on how this will affect the team’s three fans.

The Bucks are looking to acquire point guard Luke Ridnour in a trade involving three different teams. There’s nothing like being involved in a three-way to take the edge off of moving to Milwaukee.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It’s a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Question of the Week

Ron, Oklahoma City, OK
Subj: The breakfast of champions
Who was the first professional athlete to be appear on a box of Wheaties?

That honors belongs to Lou Gehrig. The legendary Yankees infielder graced the box for the first time in 1934, ten years after the cereal made its debut on grocery shelves across America. The Iron Horse’s appearance produced such encouraging results that Wheaties continued to feature baseball players, and by 1939, 46 of the 51 players selected to the All-Star team were official Wheaties pitchmen. The athlete with the most number of Wheaties appearances, meanwhile, is Michael Jordan. The former NBA MVP has appeared on the box 18 times, including three appearances with Dennis Rodman, one of the few players in the world flakier than the cereal itself.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shawn Kemp is on the verge of joining a professional team in Italy. The former Sonics star is already brushing up on his Italian by learning key phrases like “restaurant”, “train station” and “paternity suit”.

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada has opted to have season-ending shoulder surgery. It’s a shame he doesn’t play for the Nationals since their season ended months ago.

Bills' running back Marshawn Lynch won't be punished by the NFL for his involvement in a hit-and-run accident. In the end, the league felt that spending six months in Buffalo was punishment enough.

Diminutive Hall of Fame jockey Kent Desormeaux rode his 5,000th winner Sunday in the seventh race at Saratoga. Desormeaux plans to race for one more year before retiring and becoming a hood ornament.

Nets center Nenad Krstic is trying to decide between playing in New Jersey or Russia next season. One place is a socially backwards, culturally depraved wasteland and the other is the biggest country in the world.

All-Star shortstop Michael Young could miss up to a week after suffering a small fracture in his right ring finger. It’s believed to be the first time in franchise history that the Rangers and rings have been mentioned in the same sentence.

The Clippers have signed veteran Ricky Davis to a multiyear contract. The high-scoring swingman had an excellent season last year, shooting 43.3 percent from the floor, 40.5 percent on 3-pointers and 78.7 percent on his own basket.

Disgraced ex-NBA official Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for his involvement in a gambling scandal. On the positive side, Donaghy’s referee uniform should provide him with the perfect camouflage for surviving behind bars.

Tickets for the NBA preseason match up between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Nets in London have sold out three months before the game. With any luck both teams might just stay there.

A new report has shown that since 2002, 46 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints. The team has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. Check out the latest episode by clicking here.

Monday, July 28, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Spain's Carlos Sastre won the Tour de France on Sunday. Maybe now he can finally afford a car.

A fan was injured after plunging 25 feet from the handrails of an escalator at Shea Stadium during a game between Washington and New York. Unlike the Nationals, the man is expected to survive.

Tampa Bay Rays minor league pitcher Matthew Walker has been suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for an amphetamine. In his defense, you almost need to be on speed to stay awake for an entire minor league game.

Hawks star Josh Childress has signed a three year deal with Greek club Olympiakos. The 6-8 forward is expected to earn $20 million, which doesn’t even include the hundreds of dollars in heated pennies that will be flung at him every time he misses a shot.

NFL draft pick Caleb Campbell will not get a chance to play for the Detroit Lions because of a change in military policy. In the end, the US Army felt he would be far safer in Iraq than in a war zone like Detroit.

Alyssa Milano says she’s done dating baseball players. In related news, half of the Dodgers are now planning to switch to basketball.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Warrick Dunn is working on his first book. Reading it, not writing it.

The Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders are the first girls to produce their annual calendar on eco-friendly, recycled paper. That should go a long way in offsetting the 37 cans of aerosol hairspray they use before each home game.

50-year-old Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman recorded two assists for the Detroit Shock in a loss to the Houston Comets. We’re confused. We thought the WNBA’s slogan was “Expect Great,” not “Expect Great Grandmothers.”

New reports suggest that former NBA referee Tim Donaghy is likely to face hard time. Then again, he’s watched the Knicks play dozens of times, so how hard could it really be?

Pacers point guard Jamaal Tinsley has reportedly lost 20 pounds during the off season. That’s one benefit of always running away from the law.

A group of Eagles fans recently paid tribute to Brett Favre by burning the Packers' legend in effigy. Fittingly, even the effigy is now threatening a comeback.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Question of the Week

Brent, Toronto, ON
Subj: Close but no cigar
Has any pitcher ever lost a decision after throwing a complete game no-hitter?

Absolutely, Brent. The event occurred for the first time in baseball’s modern era on April 23, 1964 when Houston hurler Ken Johnson lost 1-0 to the Cincinnati Reds. The winning run was scored by Pete Rose in the top of the ninth following a pair of costly errors. Despite the bittersweet outcome Johnson managed to remain upbeat after the game when reporters informed him of his unique feat. "Say, I guess that will put me in baseball history,” he said, breaking out into a broad smile. “What a way to get in the book."

Monday, July 21, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Stephon Marbury has gotten a tattoo of his sneaker logo on his left temple. It’s nice to hear that he’s finally found a use for his head.

A baseball cap worn by Yankees slugger Babe Ruth has been auctioned for a record $328,000 on Monday. There was no need to authenticate the hat since it clearly smelled like mustard and bourbon.

Lance Armstrong has extended an invitation to Senator John McCain to join his charitable foundation. After all, who better to join the LIVESTRONG movement than a man who’s believed to be 800 years old?

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters that the league is looking closely at instant replay. In related news, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters that the league is looking closely at instant replay.

Double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius fell short of the 400-meter qualifying time he needed Wednesday to make the Olympics. Ironically Pistorius appeared to be in great shape until the last two legs of the race.

Three spectators at the Tour de France were taken to a hospital after being hit by a team car close to the finish line of the 11th stage. If you think they’re upset just imagine how angry the cyclists were after finding out they could have been in a car all along.

Dolphins quarterback Josh McCown needed six stitches on the index finger of his throwing hand after mishandling a chainsaw. On the positive side, the six-year journeyman has had plenty of practice getting cut.

Ricky Williams is drawing rave reviews with the Miami Dolphins. In fact, the entire team seems to be high on him.

Marcus Camby says he feels “blindsided, distraught and disrespected” following his trade to Los Angeles. His admission comes as a surprise to the Clippers who thought they traded for a center, not a thesaurus.

Congress may get involved in the NBA’s Tim Donaghy scandal. After all, if there’s one thing congress knows about, it’s lying and cheating.

Oklahoma City's new franchise will be called the Thunder. It’s the perfect name for a team that will never be seen.

Detroit handed Baltimore their 15th consecutive Sunday loss yesterday. Note to the Orioles, when God said Sunday was a day of rest he wasn’t referring to baseball.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Fernando Rodney recently received his first haircut in more than three years. It’s nice to hear about a baseball player whose head is actually getting smaller.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Question of the Week

Benjamin, Chandler, AZ
Subj: Take your base!
Who owns the modern day record for being hit by the most pitches?

That honor belongs to Houston Astros second sacker Craig Biggio. The frequently bruised gamer has been plunked 285 times in 20 seasons, making him the most popular target in Major League history. "If you would have told me a 185-pound man would get hit 250-plus times in his career and still be walking, I'd say you're crazy,” he admits. “I've been lucky, I guess." So why doesn’t this former catcher back off from the inner part of the plate? "I get in that box, and I'm not thinking about moving because if I have to think about moving, I can't hit like I want to hit," he explains. Incidentally, four players have been hit by a pitch twice in the same inning including Brady Anderson, Willard Schmidt, Frank Thomas and Andres Galarraga.