Monday, October 29, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Florida football coach Billy Donovan may need to undergo back surgery to repair a host of disc, vertebrae and ligament problems. In related news, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis may need to undergo extensive plastic surgery if he ever hopes to show his face around South Bend.

Chicago Bears star Brian Urlacher has admitted that he has an arthritic condition in his back. We always suspected playing with Brian Griese was tough, but we had no idea it would age him so fast.

The ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon apparently got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren’t bad enough, the extra driving around added an additional 25:13 to the runner’s overall time.

Second overall draft pick Kevin Durant has been reduced to hobbling around on crutches after severely spraining his ankle. It’s uncertain whether the news will cause Seattle’s lone season ticket holder to demand a refund.

Browns rookie Brady Quinn was forced to wear a USC football jersey during a recent interview after losing a bet to former Trojans QB Rodney Peete. It could have been worse. He could have been forced to wear a Notre Dame jersey.

Allen Iverson is out of the Nuggets lineup after injuring his left quadriceps in practice. Sadly, this injury could easily have been prevented if team officials had bothered to listen to Iverson’s stance on practice.

The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he’s in Minnesota, Walker will have no choice but to start running simply to stay warm.

The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. According to organizers, the event’s new course will be just three and a half blocks long in order to accommodate cyclists who aren’t on HGH.

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else’s unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.

Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the regular season after tearing a ligament in his left thumb. Luckily his middle finger is still okay so he can continue communicating with his critics.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut set a new record by devouring 103 small hamburgers in only 8 minutes. A jubilant Chestnut celebrated afterwards by drinking 55 bottles of Pepto Bismol in just under 3 minutes.

The Boston Red Sox are on top of the world after winning their second World Series championship in four years. And here’s the really good news: we won’t have to watch Jonathan Papelbon dance for another 12 months.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Speaking Of Sports...

Our latest quote of the week comes from the Round Mound of Rebound himself, Charles Barkley. Take it away Sir Charles!

“We don't need refs, but I guess white guys need something to do.”

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Question of the Week

Debra, Lanham, MD
Subj: Cheerleaders
Does every time in the NFL have cheerleaders and if not, which teams don't?

Superb question Debra. Sadly there are seven misguided teams in the NFL that do not employ cheerleaders. They include the Chicago Bears, the Green Bay Packers, the Detroit Lions, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Cleveland Browns, the New York Jets and the New York Giants. In the case of the New York Giants, team officials have resisted hiring cheerleaders in order to make fans focus on the game itself. As for Pittsburgh, I’m going to have to assume the team couldn’t find 25 attractive women within the city limits. At any rate, you can rest assured that I’m presently lobbying my congressman to see what he can do to end this sad travesty.

Ask Ryan - Getting Defensive

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the Cleveland Indians and tee times. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest NFL defense of all time, the most dominant slugger in World Series history and Ty Cobb's suicidal tendencies. Read all about it at:

Monday, October 22, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The Colorado Rockies were forced to practice indoors after a freak snowstorm blanketed their stadium. It was only a matter of time before Hell started freezing over.

Atlanta has been awarded a WNBA expansion team for the 2008 season. We thought the city already had a WNBA franchise: the Hawks.

The View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck will be leaving the show to move to Arizona where her husband Tim was recently signed by the Cardinals. No word yet on whether the deal was brokered by Rosie O’Donnell.

A recent tennis tournament in Madrid used busty adult models as ball girls. The women were chosen due to their ability to stay on their knees for long periods of time.

The Atlanta Thrashers have fired head coach Bob Hartley after the team got off to a 0-6 start. The news came as a shock to many around the league who didn’t realize that Atlanta still had a team.

A woman has accused NBA star Jason Kidd of groping her this month at a trendy Manhattan nightspot. So much for having the quickest hands in the league.

Jerome James could be forced to undergo season-ending surgery to repair his right knee. On the positive side, missing 82 games shouldn’t affect his production one bit.

The Buffalo Bills have announced they are seeking approval to play at least one regular-season game in Toronto. That’s just what Toronto needs: another team that hasn’t won anything in a decade.

Low levels of radioactive waste have been found during the cleanup of the main site for the 2012 London Olympics. On the positive side, keeping the waste in place should allow sprinters to run the 100 meter dash in negative 3.5 seconds.

Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson has said that he plans to get his entire back tattooed as a jersey. His decision is expected to lead to the most confusing game of shirts and skins ever.

French hurdler Naman Keita has been suspended two years after testing positive for massive amounts of testosterone. Authorities first became suspicious when Keita’s 35 pound testicles kept on hitting the hurdles he was trying to clear.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Speaking Of Sports...

Today’s quote comes from nine-time Wimbledon champion Martina Navratilova, one of the most relentless competitors of her generation. Take it away Martina!

“Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.”

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ask Ryan - It's A Small World After All

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like John Daly and drained beer kegs. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Vinny Testaverde's recent resurgence, the longest contract in NBA history and the surprisingly lucrative world of miniature golf. Read all about it at:

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Jalen Rose is honoring his Fab Five basketball teammates at Michigan with a billboard near where he grew up. Fittingly, the billboard is just as two-dimensional as he is.

Sunday’s Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam camera began falling toward the field. Sports fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since the Mets.

NBA commissioner David Stern insists he hasn't ruled out punishing the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual-harassment suit. Isn’t letting Isiah Thomas keep his job punishment enough?

Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. Finally, an NBA player who can actually shoot straight.

USC quarterback John David Booty said he hopes to play this weekend against rival Notre Dame. No surprise there. Even Charlie Weis would like to play against Notre Dame right now if he could.

Kobe Bryant sat out practice for the second straight day because of a sore right knee. Surprisingly his right foot appears to be fine despite the fact that it’s spent most of the preseason lodged firmly in his mouth.

Lions receiver Roy Williams spent the day delivering pizzas as part of a special promotion for Pizza Hut. The nationwide chain originally tried using Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna but all of his pizzas kept on getting intercepted.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Ask Ryan - The Long And Short Of It

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Zach Randolph and all-you-can-eat buffets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the shortest player in NFL history, the most prolific ladies man in pro sports and Kevin Costner's baseball career. Read all about it at:

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Speaking Of Sports...

This week's quote comes from legendary Lakers pivot Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain. Take it away Big Dipper!

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Ask Ryan - More Tall Tales

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the New York Mets and heartbreaking disappointment. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NFL's tallest receiver, Omar Vizquel's shot at Cooperstown and the most popular college mascot in the U.S. Read all about it at:

Monday, October 1, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Kick up your heels as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

The Washington Post has reported that the cost of installing a new artificial turf field is now as low as $1 million. Don’t tell that to Michael Vick. Everyone knows he prefers grass.

Operators of Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati want permission from the city to kill pigeons that have been pooping on ticket buyers. The news comes as a surprise to many league insiders who didn’t anticipate the shit would hit the fan until much later in the season.

The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times in a 16-3 victory. In fact, McNabb spent so much time on his back with his legs in the air that many spectators mistook him for Paris Hilton.

Barry Bonds made what many expect will be his last home appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Although he’s likely to leave the Bay Area after this season, fans can rest assured that they’ll still be able to spot his gargantuan melon no matter what part of the country he ends up in.

Baseball has set a new attendance record for the fourth straight season. No word yet on whether the totals will be accompanied with an asterisk.

1,010 models got together at Bondi Beach in Australia recently to pose for the world's biggest swimsuit shoot. It’s believed to be the largest collection of boobs since the last time the Atlanta Falcons took to the field.

Portland Trail Blazers star Brandon Roy has re-injured the bottom portion of his left foot. Team officials are unconcerned, however, since they’re used to dealing with heels.

Ethiopian runner Haile Gebrselassie set a new world record at the Berlin Marathon by finishing the race in 2 hours, 4 minutes and 26 seconds. It’s incredible how fast an Ethiopian will run when you tell him there’s food at the finish line.

Pittsburgh shortstop Jack Wilson has been released from a hospital after being observed overnight for a concussion. Wilson’s condition was so severe that he actually thought the Pirates had a shot at the playoffs.

Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of buttery, goopy grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship at Louisiana Downs. Bertoletti is expected to use the money as a down payment for his first of many triple bypass surgeries.