You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shawn Kemp is on the verge of joining a professional team in Italy. The former Sonics star is already brushing up on his Italian by learning key phrases like “restaurant”, “train station” and “paternity suit”.

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada has opted to have season-ending shoulder surgery. It’s a shame he doesn’t play for the Nationals since their season ended months ago.

Bills' running back Marshawn Lynch won't be punished by the NFL for his involvement in a hit-and-run accident. In the end, the league felt that spending six months in Buffalo was punishment enough.

Diminutive Hall of Fame jockey Kent Desormeaux rode his 5,000th winner Sunday in the seventh race at Saratoga. Desormeaux plans to race for one more year before retiring and becoming a hood ornament.

Nets center Nenad Krstic is trying to decide between playing in New Jersey or Russia next season. One place is a socially backwards, culturally depraved wasteland and the other is the biggest country in the world.

All-Star shortstop Michael Young could miss up to a week after suffering a small fracture in his right ring finger. It’s believed to be the first time in franchise history that the Rangers and rings have been mentioned in the same sentence.

The Clippers have signed veteran Ricky Davis to a multiyear contract. The high-scoring swingman had an excellent season last year, shooting 43.3 percent from the floor, 40.5 percent on 3-pointers and 78.7 percent on his own basket.

Disgraced ex-NBA official Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for his involvement in a gambling scandal. On the positive side, Donaghy’s referee uniform should provide him with the perfect camouflage for surviving behind bars.

Tickets for the NBA preseason match up between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Nets in London have sold out three months before the game. With any luck both teams might just stay there.

A new report has shown that since 2002, 46 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints. The team has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. Check out the latest episode by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Spain's Carlos Sastre won the Tour de France on Sunday. Maybe now he can finally afford a car.

A fan was injured after plunging 25 feet from the handrails of an escalator at Shea Stadium during a game between Washington and New York. Unlike the Nationals, the man is expected to survive.

Tampa Bay Rays minor league pitcher Matthew Walker has been suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for an amphetamine. In his defense, you almost need to be on speed to stay awake for an entire minor league game.

Hawks star Josh Childress has signed a three year deal with Greek club Olympiakos. The 6-8 forward is expected to earn $20 million, which doesn’t even include the hundreds of dollars in heated pennies that will be flung at him every time he misses a shot.

NFL draft pick Caleb Campbell will not get a chance to play for the Detroit Lions because of a change in military policy. In the end, the US Army felt he would be far safer in Iraq than in a war zone like Detroit.

Alyssa Milano says she’s done dating baseball players. In related news, half of the Dodgers are now planning to switch to basketball.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Warrick Dunn is working on his first book. Reading it, not writing it.

The Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders are the first girls to produce their annual calendar on eco-friendly, recycled paper. That should go a long way in offsetting the 37 cans of aerosol hairspray they use before each home game.

50-year-old Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman recorded two assists for the Detroit Shock in a loss to the Houston Comets. We’re confused. We thought the WNBA’s slogan was “Expect Great,” not “Expect Great Grandmothers.”

New reports suggest that former NBA referee Tim Donaghy is likely to face hard time. Then again, he’s watched the Knicks play dozens of times, so how hard could it really be?

Pacers point guard Jamaal Tinsley has reportedly lost 20 pounds during the off season. That’s one benefit of always running away from the law.

A group of Eagles fans recently paid tribute to Brett Favre by burning the Packers' legend in effigy. Fittingly, even the effigy is now threatening a comeback.

Question of the Week

Brent, Toronto, ON
Subj: Close but no cigar
Has any pitcher ever lost a decision after throwing a complete game no-hitter?

Absolutely, Brent. The event occurred for the first time in baseball’s modern era on April 23, 1964 when Houston hurler Ken Johnson lost 1-0 to the Cincinnati Reds. The winning run was scored by Pete Rose in the top of the ninth following a pair of costly errors. Despite the bittersweet outcome Johnson managed to remain upbeat after the game when reporters informed him of his unique feat. "Say, I guess that will put me in baseball history,” he said, breaking out into a broad smile. “What a way to get in the book."

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Stephon Marbury has gotten a tattoo of his sneaker logo on his left temple. It’s nice to hear that he’s finally found a use for his head.

A baseball cap worn by Yankees slugger Babe Ruth has been auctioned for a record $328,000 on Monday. There was no need to authenticate the hat since it clearly smelled like mustard and bourbon.

Lance Armstrong has extended an invitation to Senator John McCain to join his charitable foundation. After all, who better to join the LIVESTRONG movement than a man who’s believed to be 800 years old?

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters that the league is looking closely at instant replay. In related news, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters that the league is looking closely at instant replay.

Double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius fell short of the 400-meter qualifying time he needed Wednesday to make the Olympics. Ironically Pistorius appeared to be in great shape until the last two legs of the race.

Three spectators at the Tour de France were taken to a hospital after being hit by a team car close to the finish line of the 11th stage. If you think they’re upset just imagine how angry the cyclists were after finding out they could have been in a car all along.

Dolphins quarterback Josh McCown needed six stitches on the index finger of his throwing hand after mishandling a chainsaw. On the positive side, the six-year journeyman has had plenty of practice getting cut.

Ricky Williams is drawing rave reviews with the Miami Dolphins. In fact, the entire team seems to be high on him.

Marcus Camby says he feels “blindsided, distraught and disrespected” following his trade to Los Angeles. His admission comes as a surprise to the Clippers who thought they traded for a center, not a thesaurus.

Congress may get involved in the NBA’s Tim Donaghy scandal. After all, if there’s one thing congress knows about, it’s lying and cheating.

Oklahoma City's new franchise will be called the Thunder. It’s the perfect name for a team that will never be seen.

Detroit handed Baltimore their 15th consecutive Sunday loss yesterday. Note to the Orioles, when God said Sunday was a day of rest he wasn’t referring to baseball.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Fernando Rodney recently received his first haircut in more than three years. It’s nice to hear about a baseball player whose head is actually getting smaller.

Question of the Week

Benjamin, Chandler, AZ
Subj: Take your base!
Who owns the modern day record for being hit by the most pitches?

That honor belongs to Houston Astros second sacker Craig Biggio. The frequently bruised gamer has been plunked 285 times in 20 seasons, making him the most popular target in Major League history. "If you would have told me a 185-pound man would get hit 250-plus times in his career and still be walking, I'd say you're crazy,” he admits. “I've been lucky, I guess." So why doesn’t this former catcher back off from the inner part of the plate? "I get in that box, and I'm not thinking about moving because if I have to think about moving, I can't hit like I want to hit," he explains. Incidentally, four players have been hit by a pitch twice in the same inning including Brady Anderson, Willard Schmidt, Frank Thomas and Andres Galarraga.

Speculation on Sirius Satellite Radio

I recently had the pleasure of appearing on Speculation, a seriously hip call-in show hosted by fellow sports junkies Dave Golokhov and Matt Cauz. You can listen to my segment by clicking here. Simply follow the link to the archive section beneath the Speculation logo.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Golden State Warriors have acquired free agent Corey Maggette, signing away the Los Angeles Clippers' scoring leader. Of course, being the top scorer on the Clippers is a little bit like being the smartest woman on The View.

Former NFL special teams star Vai Sikahema knocked out Jose Canseco in their celebrity boxing match. We’d say he knocked him senseless, but we’re pretty sure that’s how he entered the ring.

The NHL is hoping to stage an open-air hockey game at the new Yankee Stadium. The highly anticipated event may even feature A-Rod, since he’s become a master at skating on thin ice.

Imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick has filed for bankruptcy protection while serving time for federal dogfighting charges. Ironically, his lack of funds means that he’ll now have to take the Greyhound everywhere he goes.

Kansas City tight end Tony Gonzalez recently saved a California man from choking. Now, if only he could do the same thing with the Chiefs.

Former NFL player Brian Bosworth recently rescued a Calgary woman from an auto accident. It seems only fitting that Boz was present since his entire career was a car wreck.

A professional soccer referee had to be helped off the field after showing up to work drunk. We had no idea that John Daly had gotten a summer job.

Cleveland lost their tenth game in a row after falling to Detroit. The Indians are doing so poorly this season they’re considering getting out of baseball altogether and opening a casino.

Imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick is currently busy writing his life story. In fact he’s already on chapter 11.

West Point grad Caleb Campbell is hoping to make the transition from the U.S. Army to the Detroit Lions this season. It should be a natural fit since neither organization has had a major victory in years.

The demolition of Tiger Stadium's walls and seating areas has begun. Construction workers were happy to report that the stadium fell apart almost as quickly as Detroit’s starting rotation.

New England Patriots running back Kevin Faulk has pleaded no contest to drug charges after being caught with marijuana at a Li'l Wayne concert. It’s hard to say what’s more embarrassing: getting busted by the police or having the world know you’re a fan of Li’L Wayne.

The Yankees are reportedly interested in signing recently waived slugger Richie Sexson. Great, that’s just what they need, more players with Sexon the brain.

Question of the Week

Leslie, Vancouver, B.C.
Subj: Barry Bonds
I would love to see these so called superstars play under the same conditions that Hank Aaron played. Let’s see what they can do without science behind them.... not only performance-enhancing drugs but the type of equipment they played with.

You have a point, Leslie. In addition to playing with inferior equipment, Hank Aaron and his peers had to contend with grueling double headers, long bus rides and training tables that often featured little more than a package of salami and a loaf of Wonder Bread. Hall of Famer Cap Anson is one of many old timers to share your sentiment that the game has declined. "Baseball was a man's game in my day," he once lamented. "I'd like to see what today's boys would do against the likes of (Old Hoss) Radbourn, (Pud) Galvin, (Tim) Keefe and (John) Clarkson." I certainly share his sense of nostalgia for a time when baseball was a purer pursuit.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A-Rod’s wife has filed for a divorce, claiming that Rodriguez has "abandoned” her. Now she knows how the Yankees feel every September.

The San Antonio Spurs have asked Manu Ginobili to not play in this summer’s Olympics. Coincidentally, so has the U.S. team.

The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds’ head must be swelling with pride… or steroids, one or the other.

John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by hitting a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there’s one thing Daly knows how to do, it’s drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.

Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried today at Sanford Stadium after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don’t collapse until much later in the season.

Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea… if you speak Spanish.

U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year’s Olympians are not going to Beijing “to sell shoes.” Indeed, they’re going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.

George W. Bush has announced he will attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing. The President should be right at home in the city since he’s used to being in a constant haze.

Rotund Celtics forward Glen “Big Baby” Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas... all the way from Florida.

The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. The Georgetown product was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.

Good news and bad news for Notre Dame football boosters. The good news is coach Charlie Weis is privately projecting anywhere from nine to 12 victories for his team this year. The bas news is he’s also projecting a 100-game schedule.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released a fan code of conduct stating that standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans is not allowed at Arrowhead Stadium. Luckily that shouldn’t be a problem since the Chiefs rarely gives their fans any reason to stand up and cheer.

Question of the Week

Robert, Charleston, S.C.
Subj: Chasing the dream
Hey Ryan, my nephew is a phenomenal high school football player with dreams of playing in the NFL. What are the odds he’ll actually make it into the league?

I’m afraid they’re not good, Robert. Of the 100,000 high school seniors who play football every year, only 215 will ever make an NFL roster. That’s just 0.2%. Even of the 9,000 players that make it to the college level only 310 are invited to the annual NFL scouting combine. By comparison, your nephew has a better chance of being hit by lightning ( 1 in 3,000) or being injured by a toilet seat (1 in 6,500). Make sure to let him down softly when you break the news... and whatever you do, make sure you don’t do it in the middle of a lightning storm.

Taling Points - A-Rod's A-List Affair

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine A-Rod’s A-list affair, Warren Sapp’s dancing ambitions and Baron Davis’ happy homecoming. Read all about it here.