You've Got to be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Brett Favre is coming out with a brand new line of Wrangler jeans. And unlike Favre, the pants are wrinkle free.

Plaxico Burress has said he’d like to catch on with a professional football team after serving his two-year prison sentence. And if that’s not possible, Burress is also open to playing for the Lions.

Isiah Thomas is upset that his first game as a college head coach will come against defending national champion North Carolina. Thomas was hoping to face a much easier foe like the New York Knicks.

New Jersey Devils star Zach Parise recently took batting practice with the Minnesota Twins. If we played in the NHL we’d be looking for another job too.

Reliever Billy Wagner has been traded to the Boston Red Sox. In return, the Mets will receive two players to be injured later.

Former President Nelson Mandela recently met with controversial runner Caster Semenya. The pair has plenty in common including their South African roots and their ability to pee while standing up.

Lou Pinella says he expects to return to the Cubs next season. He doesn’t want to, but he expects to.

Dirk Nowitzki’s ex-girlfriend has been sentenced to five years in prison for violating probation. All in all, it’s a much more lenient sentence than a lifetime with Dirk Nowitzki.

Boston Red Sox hurler Daisuke Matsuzaka allowed five runs in the first inning of a rehab start. The last person to struggle this much in rehab was Amy Winehouse.

Timberwolves general manager David Kahn recently made his third trip to Spain over the past two months. At this point it’s unclear whether he’s trying to sign Ricky Rubio or dating him.

California beat Chinese Taipei to win the Little League World Series. What did you expect? The entire team was made in Taiwan.

Question of the Week

Lawrence, Chaska, MN
Subj: Feeling a draft
How many times has the top pick in the NBA draft won the rookie of the year award?

Superb question, Lawrence! It may surprise you to learn the first overall pick has won the award only 17 times in the 56 years the league has honored its Rookie of the Year. Although most of the winners have been top five picks, a number of ballers have come out of nowhere to capture the award including Mark Jackson, who was selected 18th overall in 1987, Jamaal Wilkes, who was taken with the 11th pick in 1974 and Terry Dischinger, who was snatched up 10th overall in 1962. However, I suspect those anomalies are things of the past. Today’s rigorous scouting methods as well as the NBA’s new age restriction make it unlikely we’ll ever see a low draft pick win the award again.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Brett Favre went 1-4 in his debut with the Vikings. He likely would have had more snaps if he hadn’t retired during the second quarter.

John Smoltz says he understands why the Red Sox gave up on him. Anyone who knows an ERA should be lower than the national deficit can understand that.

The International Athletic Federation is forcing South Africa's Caster Semenya to undergo a gender test. Semenya will be allowed to stay in the woman’s division if she can watch The View for longer than 30 seconds.

The New York Mets are expected to dump Gary Sheffield. Let’s hope they also remember to flush.

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels appears to be taking his clothing cues from Bill Belichick. Or a hobo. One or the other.

The NFL will try to crack down on binge drinking at games during the 2009 season. No one is more upset with the news than Matt Leinart.

The bludgeoned body of a 22-year-old man was recently found on Chipper Jones' ranch. Police have already ruled out Jones as a suspect since he hasn’t been hitting anything this year.

A Florida theme park plans to name a new high speed ride in honor of Dale Earnhardt. Isn’t that a little bit like naming an airplane after Roberto Clemente?

Plaxico Burress has hired a prison consultant to get ready for life behind bars. Wouldn’t it have been a lot cheaper to have just bought soap on a rope?

Lou Piniella has expressed interest in returning to the Cubs in 2010. Well sure, misery always loves company.

Cincinnati Reds starter Aaron Harang is out for the rest of the season after having his appendix removed. Finally, an organ that’s almost as useless as the rest of the Reds’ pitching staff.

The Boston Red Sox have dropped struggling starter Brad Penny from their rotation. Luckily for him bad pennies always seem to come back.

Question of the Week

Randall, Homer Glen, IL
Subj: What’s love got to do with it?
There’s something I’ve always wanted to know. Why is a score of zero in tennis called "love"?

Like many things in life, you can blame the French for this one. The practice dates back to the 13th century when the fledging racket sport was sweeping the French countryside from Marseille to Calais. Players and spectators at the time noticed that a zero resembled an egg, so they began referring to it in their native dialect as “l’oeuf.” The word soon caught on and when tennis was introduced to the U.S., Americans misheard the term as “love.” This corrupted word has been an essential part of the game’s lexicon ever since.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Nate Robinson was arrested for driving without a license. As if that weren’t bad enough, the arresting officers also confiscated the three phone books he was sitting on.

Washington is trying to lower expectations for hard-throwing pitcher Stephen Strasburg. That shouldn’t be a problem since the Nationals and lowered expectations have always gone hand in hand.

The Sacramento Kings have promised Sean May $100,000 if he shows up to training camp weighing 265 pounds or less. Now comes the hard part: deciding whether to cut off his right leg or his left leg.

Stephon Marbury was recently spotted on film smoking weed. Then again, maybe that was just his career that was going up in smoke.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird is scheduled to undergo minor throat surgery. Apparently he was feeling a little hoarse.

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett have decided to name their son Hank Baskett IV. The couple failed to explain why they’re naming him after a piece of medical equipment.

Quentin Richardson has been traded for the fourth time this off-season. On the positive side, he now has enough frequent flyer miles to circle the Moon.

The Phoenix Suns have signed forward Taylor Griffin. Right idea, wrong Griffin.

Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable allegedly had a violent physical altercation with defensive assistant Randy Hanson during a staff meeting. You know your team’s in trouble when your head coach is also your hardest hitter.

Monica Seles has released her first autobiography. It’s nice to hear she’s taking a stab at a new career.

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Question of the Week

Simpsonville, KY
Subj: Another one bites the dust
Has anyone ever been killed during a pro football game?

I’m afraid so, Charles. Detroit Lions wide receiver Chuck Hughes made history in 1971 when he suffered a fatal heart attack during the final minutes of a game against the Chicago Bears. The Lions subsequently retired his number 85 and now give out an award in his honor to the team’s most improved player. Although in-game deaths are still an oddity in the NFL, they continue to be far too common at the amateur level. According to The National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury, more than 1,002 players have died as a direct result of football-related injuries since the organization began gathering data in 1931. In fact, football was once considered to be so dangerous a pursuit that President Theodore Roosevelt seriously considered banning the sport after 18 players were fatally injured in 1905 alone. Roosevelt’s scrutiny eventually led to widespread changes in the game including the banning of mass tackles and the creation of the neutral zone, thereby making the sport far safer for everyone involved.

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Real Madrid has insured Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs for $142 million. In related news, the Los Angeles Galaxy has insured David Beckham’s brain for $3.

The Yankees are reportedly watching their wallet. We’d be doing the same thing if we played in the Bronx.

Mike D’Antoni believes the Knicks need more size in the backcourt. A higher IQ in the owner’s box wouldn’t hurt either.

Vince Young has said he expects to reach the Hall of Fame. We expect he’ll have to buy a ticket to get in.

The Arena Football League has shut down its operations. Luckily, spectators who enjoy watching second-rate football can still tune into the Lions.

Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett has withdrawn a request for early release from prison. Clarett changed his mind after learning that White Castle was no longer hiring.

Preakness Stakes winner Rachel Alexandra is getting her very own line of wine. All things considered, it’s a lot better than being turned into her very own line of glue.

Tiger Woods was overheard passing gas on the 18th hole at the Buick open. All things considered, his fart was far more intelligent than anything that came out of John Daly’s mouth all weekend.

A Red Sox fan was recently spotted drinking beer from a sneaker at Fenway Park. God knows, it’s not the first time a Boston fan has put his foot in his mouth.

Junior Seau is joining the Dodgers as the team’s newest bat boy. It’s never a good sign when your bat boy is also your biggest hitter.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have been fined for leaking their 2010 schedule. Apparently the NBA didn’t want anyone to know they were still in the league.

Question of the Week

Ron, Spring Branch, TX
Subj: Best athletes in history
Are drugs the reason we have seen “the best ever” in so many sports the past 20 years or so?

Drugs are certainly part of the equation, but today’s athletes have also benefited greatly from better training methods and technological advances. Babe Ruth is a perfect example. Imagine how much better the Bambino could have been if he ever exercised in the off-season, or for that matter, if he simply abstained from eating hot dogs in between his at-bats. One also has to wonder how much better Ruth’s batting average could have been if he had opted for one of today’s more streamlined Louisville Sluggers rather than the 54-ounce railroad tie he used for most of his career. I have no doubt that HGH can transform a skinny shortstop into an unstoppable slugger but I also think that the evolution of off-season training, better equipment, improved coaching and scouting methods and even the use of video are all big reasons why today’s athletes are among the best we’ve ever witnessed.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly recently posted his worst score ever in a regular PGA Tour event. In fact, his score was so high many observers mistook it for his blood alcohol level.

Arizona runningback Beanie wells has lost 22 pounds since April. His ability to lose big makes him a perfect fit for the Cardinals.

Heavy rainfalls postponed the Pocono Cup. On the positive side, many NASCAR fans were treated to their first shower in nearly a month.

Lamar Odom has signed a three year extension with the Los Angeles Lakers. Specifics weren't discussed, but Odom should have no problem maintaining his strict diet of Laffy Taffy and Peppermint Puffs for many years to come.

Former Cy Young Award winner Cliff Lee says he feels no pressure after joining the Phillies. In fact, after leaving Cleveland all he feels is relief.

Injured infielder Jose Reyes was recently spotted dancing all night at a Latino hotspot in Washington Heights. In his defense, he was just ecstatic not to be watching the Mets.

Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is scheduled to have season-ending shoulder surgery in August. His season is ending so early it’s almost as if he plays for the Detroit Lions.

Insiders believe Ricky Rubio is still two years away from joining the NBA. And one million years away from joining the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Titans runningback LenDale White has dropped 30 pounds over six months simply by giving up tequila. John Daly once tried the same thing and all he lost was six months.

Jamaal Tinsley is looking for a one-year deal with either New York or Miami. Strippers in both towns are awaiting his decision with baited breath.

Nuggets guard J.R. Smith has been released from a New Jersey jail. It’s not what you think – he was just there to get more tattoos.