You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig plans to step down as commissioner of Major League Baseball in 2012. Asked where he sees himself in four years, the commissioner replied; “Anywhere but watching the Kansas City Royals.”

Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has been hospitalized due to recurring symptoms from groin surgery. Doctors are worried he may only live for another 175 years.

New Jersey is now 0-17 after losing to Denver. The Nets are so bad they’ve replaced their official logo with a white flag.

Patrick Ewing has said that he would love to coach the New Jersey Nets. Ewing also went onto say that he would love to have a spinal tap and undergo a root canal.

Brady Quinn is reportedly dating US gymnast Alicia Sacramone. They’re perfectly matched since neither one of them has won anything since 2008.

The NBA has banned a former scout from the Sacramento Kings from betting on his team. You’d think losing 65 bets a year would have been punishment enough.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are off to their worst start in franchise history. Now might be a good time to find out if Brett Favre can also play basketball.

Several NFL players have been asked to pose nude for a PETA ad with the tag line, "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur." Perhaps they’d have more luck if they changed the slogan to “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear A Browns Jersey.”

Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy has won his 600th game. And all it took was 600 years.

Australia has banned Steeplechase following the deaths of 20 horses over the past two years. The decision is considered bad news for sports enthusiasts and even worse news for Australia’s glue industry.

The Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has banned golfers from using the running swing popularized in Happy Gilmore. Sadly, the court can’t do a thing to prevent Adam Sandler from making more movies.

Question of the Week

Charles, Birmingham, AL
Subj; Two timers
How many athletes been enshrined in both the Pro Baseball AND the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

Just one. That honor belongs to Cal Hubbard, a gifted tackle who won three championships with the Green Bay Packers during the 1930’s. Big Cal’s remarkable combination of speed and power made him one of the game’s earliest stars and the NFL honored his outstanding contributions by selecting him as a member of their prestigious 1920’s All-Decade Team. Hubbard’s brilliance was further recognized in 1963 when he was among the initial class of inductees to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Mind you, just because he was one of the league’s marquee players doesn’t mean he was well compensated for his efforts. Hubbard’s starting salary of $150 a game required him to find a second job and he supplemented his income by becoming a baseball umpire, at first in the minor leagues and later in the Big Show. The job proved to be a perfect fit and Hubbard became so proficient at calling balls and strikes that he was selected to officiate four World Series and two All-Star Games before becoming the American League’s supervisor of umpires. "Being an umpire wasn't such a tough job,” he commented years after retiring. “You really have to understand only two things and that's maintaining discipline and knowing the rule book." Hubbard’s exemplary service to the game was recognized in 1976 when he became just the fifth umpire to be enshrined in Cooperstown.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The undermanned New Jersey Nets had to use a chair in place of a player during a recent practice. Sadly, the chair scored 25 points.

A group of scientists have ruled that disabled sprinter Oscar Pistorius has an unfair advantage over his fellow runners. Not in competition, but in finding a decent parking spot.

Mike Holmgren says he has interest in joining the 1-8 Browns. That’s good news: they could use him on defense.

The New Jersey Nets have no intention of firing head coach Lawrence Frank. No matter how much he begs.

Reggie Bush has missed practice for the third straight day. In his defense, it’s taken him that long just to walk around Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Mike D'Antoni recently referred to the Knicks as being "dead in the water." In related news, New Yorkers has been advised to boil their water for the next two weeks.

Devin Hester had his pants pulled down while trying to make a catch. The Bears haven’t been that exposed since their loss to the 49ers.

Northeastern University has decided to drop its football program. Sadly, the Cleveland Browns have decided to keep theirs.

Retired NBA star Jayson Williams has agreed to a plea deal that would send him to prison for three years. Luckily for Williams his seven seasons with the Nets have prepared him well for serving hard time.

Major League Soccer is on the verge of creating a 20th franchise. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one team for every fan.

Rex Ryan says he isn’t ashamed that he recently cried in front of his players. Well sure, once you get past the shame of coaching the Jets you can pretty much accept anything.

Question of the Week

Shawn, Baton Rouge, LA
Subj: Hardwood heroes
If you had to select a starting five of fictional movie basketball players, who would you pick?

Superb question Shawn! After hours of careful deliberation I’ve managed to select a dream team of five fictional ballers. Some of their movies may have stunk more than a beer and bratwurst fart but there’s simply no arguing with their skills on the hardwood.

PG - Calvin Cambridge (Bow Wow - Like Mike) So what if he’s smaller than Spud Webb’s jockstrap? Calvin Cambridge is pound-for-pound the finest basketball player on the planet.
SG - Jesus Shuttleworth (Ray Allen – He Got Game) One of the most heavily recruited players in college history, Jesus has an inside-out game that’s smoother than a Barry White pick-up line.
SF - Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis - Hoosiers) The finest pure shooter to ever handle the rock, Chitwood’s range extends to a good ten feet outside any gymnasium.
PF - Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox - Teen Wolf) Imagine if Karl Malone and Big Foot had a love child and you’d have Scott Howard, a hairer-than-thou beast capable of reducing foes to shivering wrecks. Granted, his hairballs are an issue, but every superstar has his quirks.
C - Neon (Shaquille O’Neal - Blue Chips) Every team needs a fierce inside presence, which is why I’ve chosen Neon, a 7’1 man child with an unstoppable back-to-the-basket game. If Shaq was even half as mobile as his onscreen alter ego the Cavs would be undefeated.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Larry Brown has reportedly been texting Allen Iverson. We’re not sure what more surprising: the fact that Allen Iverson knows how to read or the fact that Larry Brown knows how to operate technology made after 1943.

The Knicks have decided to pass on signing Allen Iverson. Their decision marks the first time in years the words “Allen Iverson” and “pass” have been uttered in the same sentence.

Tennessee has dismissed two freshmen football players charged in an attempted armed robbery. What a shame: if they went to Miami they would have gotten a credit for it.

Dennis Rodman has been detained in Germany after a hotel said he skipped out on a $5,000 bill. That’s nothing: Rodman used to spend that much just on dress alterations.

Miami believes it’s found a way to lure LeBron James and Chris Bosh to the Heat. It’s called “a miracle.”

Zack Greinke has been named the American League’s CY Young Award winner. The Royals plan to celebrate his victory by quitting while they’re ahead.

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels recently referred to Jim Zorn as coach of the Chargers. It’s an understandable mistake since Zorn has just as much say in both team’s offenses.

Eagles running back Brian Westbrook plans to visit two concussion specialists in Pittsburgh… or New York. Frankly he can’t remember which.

The Warriors are interested in trading Monta Ellis. Don Nelson is even willing to throw in a moped to sweeten the deal.

The Nets are now 0-11. Things haven’t been this bleak in New Jersey since, well, every day.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Seattle bullpen coach John Wetteland has been hospitalized with a mental issue. Friends first suspected he was unstable when he accepted a job with the Mariners.

Stephen Jackson says he’s shocked the media has labeled him as a bad guy. We’re shocked the media finally got a story right.

The New Orleans Hornets have fired head coach Byron Scott. The move has shocked many insiders since Scott was also the team’s third best player.

Javon Walker reportedly wants out of Oakland. Then again, so do half of the city’s residents.

A diehard NASCAR fan has created a shrine to the sport using 46,693 Coors and Budweiser bottle caps. It’s amazing what you can do with a single afternoon of drinking.

Michael Vick says he’s happy to be with the Eagles. Then again, Michael Vick is just happy he no longer has to worry about getting shived every time he has a shower.

Browns coach Eric Mangini has refuted claims that he overworks his team. Based on Cleveland’s record, we’re inclined to believe him.

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis appears to be on the chopping block. We had no idea they made chopping blocks that big.

Kobe Bryant is reportedly nursing a sore right groin. Something tells us the Lakers won’t be sending him to Colorado for rehab.

Eddy Curry has reportedly lost another 10 pounds. If he loses 10 more Knicks officials can finally start measuring his weight on a bathroom scale rather than the Richter scale.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shaquille O’Neal and his wife are divorcing after seven years of marriage. If nothing else it should certainly make for an entertaining episode of Shaq Vs.

Hasheem Thabeet fractured his jaw after colliding with the head of Zach Randolph. Ironically, it’s the first time Randolph has used his head for anything in more than a decade.

Two students claim they were recently pushed by Michigan athletic director Bill Martin. It’s never a good sign when your AD has more fight in him than your football team.

The Phoenix Coyotes are interested in signing Chris Chelios. The club hopes the 47-year-old defenseman is just close enough to dementia to consider their offer.

Several members of the Golden State Warriors have said they’d like to see Stephen Jackson traded. Preferably to Siberia.

The Knicks are expecting Eddy Curry back on the court soon. Team officials are reinforcing the floorboards as we speak.

The Red Sox have agreed to a $5 million, two-year contract with Tim Wakefield. It’s a lucrative deal for a man whose fastball can be measured with a sundial.

Former Knick center Chris Dudley would like to become governor of Oregon. Let’s hope for his sake it doesn’t come down to a free throw shooting contest.

Sammy Sosa’s skin is now three shades lighter than it was during his playing days. You know your rejuvenation procedure was a failure when your wax figurine looks more lifelike than you do.

A federal appeals court has ruled that Michael Vick can keep $16 million in roster bonuses from the Atlanta Falcons. Let’s hope he doesn’t blow it all at the pet store.

Question of the Week

Tony, Yakima, WA
Subj: Wilt the Stilt
Is it true that Wilt Chamberlain almost retired after his first season in the NBA?

That’s correct, Tony. The Big Dipper nearly hung up his size 19-shoes because he was frustrated with the way rival teams manhandled him beneath the basket. Former Celtics forward Tommy Heinsohn still recalls how he and his teammates would hammer Chamberlain in the post. "We tried to send him to the foul line, and in doing that he took the most brutal pounding of any player ever,” Heinsohn says. “I hear people today talk about hard fouls. Half the fouls against him were hard fouls." Luckily for fans, Chamberlain’s friends and family convinced him to give the league another shot and he went on to enjoy 13 sensational seasons before retiring in 1973.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

120 Major League Baseball players have now filed for free agency. The group includes 45 pitchers, 33 infielders and 27 of Alyssa Milano’s exes.

New York office workers reportedly tossed files and documents out windows during the Yankees victory parade. It’s a marked improvement from earlier this year when they were tossing out themselves.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is facing misdemeanor charges after a state trooper approached his Mercedes and smelled marijuana. It turns out Lincecum was a little high and inside.

The Mets plan to part ways with closer J.J. Putz. Fortunately they still have plenty of other putzes in their lineup.

Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave from the Memphis Grizzlies… just like most of the team’s fans.

A government official has been fired for giving the Calgary Flames flu shots while thousands of people waited in line. There hasn’t been this much interest over a bunch of little pricks since the New Kids on the Block reunited.

Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman has become the first woman to coach in the NBA Development League. It’s nice to know women are now just as capable of getting undesirable jobs as men.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder recently told reporters that the team is letting everybody down. On the positive side, they’re doing a fabulous job preparing Washington sports fans for another season of the Nationals.

Victor Zambrano's mother has been kidnapped in Venezuela. If her personality is as disagreeable as her son’s we’re sure her abductors will return her soon.

Tony Parker is expected to miss a week with a sprained left ankle. The veteran point guard was injured when an overzealous Manu Ginobili swatted him out of the sky.

Navy is still riding high after defeating Notre Dame 23-21. The Midshipmen haven’t enjoyed a victory this big since storming the beaches of Normandy.

Question of the Week

Allen, Englewood, CO
Subj: Full of hot air
It seems like the Goodyear Blimp is visible in nearly every football game you watch. When did the company launch its first blimp?

The tradition began in 1925 when Goodyear took a simple helium-filled vessel named The Pilgrim on its maiden voyage. The company has since built more than 300 airships, many of which were used by the U.S. Navy during WWII to escort battleships. In addition to being featured at football games, the Goodyear Blimp has also been in a number of blockbuster films including Scarface, Flight of the Navigator and the original 1974 version of Gone in 60 Seconds.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig says he’s happy that Mark McGwire is returning to baseball. He’d be even happier if Milton Bradley wasn’t.

Meb Keflezighi has become the first American to win the New York City Marathon in 27 years. If you had a name like Meb Keflezighi you’d probably be good at outrunning people too.

The IOC is upset with Greece’s decision to let a runner serving a doping ban take part in the Vancouver flame relay. On the positive side, his one mile segment should be over in well under two minutes.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley recently had three screws placed inside his tibia. It’s nice to hear that Washington sport fans aren’t the only ones getting screwed.

Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw will continue to play this season despite having a cracked bone in his foot. In related news, Terry Bradshaw will continue appearing on Fox despite being legally dead above the neck.

Rudy Gay has said the odds of him signing a contract extension are at 50-50. Oddly enough, those are the same odds an Internet search of his name will bring you to a gay porn site.

Nate Robinson could be sidelined for two weeks after spraining his right ankle. Luckily the Knicks should have no problem losing without him.

PGA Tour officials have canceled the Viking Classic because of soggy course conditions. Vikings everywhere are rolling over in their graves.

Cole Hamels, last year's World Series MVP, is 1-2 with a 7.58 ERA in 4 starts this postseason. On the positive side, he could still become the World Series MVP for the Yankees.

Bobby Knight has declined an invitation to attend his induction into the Indiana University Hall of Fame. Organizers had already reserved two seats for him: one to sit in and one to throw.