Monday, October 29, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Florida football coach Billy Donovan may need to undergo back surgery to repair a host of disc, vertebrae and ligament problems. In related news, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis may need to undergo extensive plastic surgery if he ever hopes to show his face around South Bend.

Chicago Bears star Brian Urlacher has admitted that he has an arthritic condition in his back. We always suspected playing with Brian Griese was tough, but we had no idea it would age him so fast.

The ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon apparently got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren’t bad enough, the extra driving around added an additional 25:13 to the runner’s overall time.

Second overall draft pick Kevin Durant has been reduced to hobbling around on crutches after severely spraining his ankle. It’s uncertain whether the news will cause Seattle’s lone season ticket holder to demand a refund.

Browns rookie Brady Quinn was forced to wear a USC football jersey during a recent interview after losing a bet to former Trojans QB Rodney Peete. It could have been worse. He could have been forced to wear a Notre Dame jersey.

Allen Iverson is out of the Nuggets lineup after injuring his left quadriceps in practice. Sadly, this injury could easily have been prevented if team officials had bothered to listen to Iverson’s stance on practice.

The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he’s in Minnesota, Walker will have no choice but to start running simply to stay warm.

The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. According to organizers, the event’s new course will be just three and a half blocks long in order to accommodate cyclists who aren’t on HGH.

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else’s unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.

Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the regular season after tearing a ligament in his left thumb. Luckily his middle finger is still okay so he can continue communicating with his critics.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut set a new record by devouring 103 small hamburgers in only 8 minutes. A jubilant Chestnut celebrated afterwards by drinking 55 bottles of Pepto Bismol in just under 3 minutes.

The Boston Red Sox are on top of the world after winning their second World Series championship in four years. And here’s the really good news: we won’t have to watch Jonathan Papelbon dance for another 12 months.