You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig plans to step down as commissioner of Major League Baseball in 2012. Asked where he sees himself in four years, the commissioner replied; “Anywhere but watching the Kansas City Royals.”

Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has been hospitalized due to recurring symptoms from groin surgery. Doctors are worried he may only live for another 175 years.

New Jersey is now 0-17 after losing to Denver. The Nets are so bad they’ve replaced their official logo with a white flag.

Patrick Ewing has said that he would love to coach the New Jersey Nets. Ewing also went onto say that he would love to have a spinal tap and undergo a root canal.

Brady Quinn is reportedly dating US gymnast Alicia Sacramone. They’re perfectly matched since neither one of them has won anything since 2008.

The NBA has banned a former scout from the Sacramento Kings from betting on his team. You’d think losing 65 bets a year would have been punishment enough.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are off to their worst start in franchise history. Now might be a good time to find out if Brett Favre can also play basketball.

Several NFL players have been asked to pose nude for a PETA ad with the tag line, "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur." Perhaps they’d have more luck if they changed the slogan to “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear A Browns Jersey.”

Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy has won his 600th game. And all it took was 600 years.

Australia has banned Steeplechase following the deaths of 20 horses over the past two years. The decision is considered bad news for sports enthusiasts and even worse news for Australia’s glue industry.

The Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has banned golfers from using the running swing popularized in Happy Gilmore. Sadly, the court can’t do a thing to prevent Adam Sandler from making more movies.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Cleveland Browns are looking to get rid of Brady Quinn, and by the sounds of it, 90 percent of their female fan base.

A 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the history of the United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships. And yet, she’s still far younger than the hot dogs being sold at most bowling alleys across the U.S.

Michael Vick is reportedly shopping a post-prison reality show. Something tells us it probably won’t be on Animal Planet.

The Marlins beat the Nationals to improve to 11-1, making them the first team in Major League history to have more wins than fans.

Celine Dion is on the verge of buying the Montreal Canadiens, because apparently just ruining music for everyone wasn’t enough.

Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.

Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. Frankly, we had no idea high school teams were allowed to play against the Washington Nationals.

UConn big man Hasheem Thabeet has chosen to enter the NBA draft and will begin the process of interviewing agents soon. If the process is anything like his own interviews we imagine he’s in for a very awkward week.

The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Given their futility, they might want to start by picking another sport.

John Madden has announced his retirement after 30 years in the broadcast booth. In related news, Frank Caliendo is now available for yard work.

Eddy Curry plans to spend his summer in Motown in an attempt to lose weight. God knows, more than a few people have lost their appetite after seeing Detroit.

Ask Ryan - Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like champagne showers and swimming goggles. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest quarterback of all time, the lost art of the drop kick and the wickedly warped wisdom of Yogi Berra. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7397364

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Florida football coach Billy Donovan may need to undergo back surgery to repair a host of disc, vertebrae and ligament problems. In related news, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis may need to undergo extensive plastic surgery if he ever hopes to show his face around South Bend.

Chicago Bears star Brian Urlacher has admitted that he has an arthritic condition in his back. We always suspected playing with Brian Griese was tough, but we had no idea it would age him so fast.

The ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon apparently got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren’t bad enough, the extra driving around added an additional 25:13 to the runner’s overall time.

Second overall draft pick Kevin Durant has been reduced to hobbling around on crutches after severely spraining his ankle. It’s uncertain whether the news will cause Seattle’s lone season ticket holder to demand a refund.

Browns rookie Brady Quinn was forced to wear a USC football jersey during a recent interview after losing a bet to former Trojans QB Rodney Peete. It could have been worse. He could have been forced to wear a Notre Dame jersey.

Allen Iverson is out of the Nuggets lineup after injuring his left quadriceps in practice. Sadly, this injury could easily have been prevented if team officials had bothered to listen to Iverson’s stance on practice.

The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he’s in Minnesota, Walker will have no choice but to start running simply to stay warm.

The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. According to organizers, the event’s new course will be just three and a half blocks long in order to accommodate cyclists who aren’t on HGH.

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else’s unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.

Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the regular season after tearing a ligament in his left thumb. Luckily his middle finger is still okay so he can continue communicating with his critics.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut set a new record by devouring 103 small hamburgers in only 8 minutes. A jubilant Chestnut celebrated afterwards by drinking 55 bottles of Pepto Bismol in just under 3 minutes.

The Boston Red Sox are on top of the world after winning their second World Series championship in four years. And here’s the really good news: we won’t have to watch Jonathan Papelbon dance for another 12 months.