Monday, May 12, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Qualifying and practice at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway were cancelled for the day due to rainfall. On the positive side, the heavy precipitation gave thousands of rednecks their first shower in nearly a month.

Heisman winner Tim Tebow is currently spending time in an impoverished village in the Philippines helping to circumcise impoverished children. The missionary trip should pay major dividends next season when Tebow finds himself surrounded by dickheads.

HBO has picked the Cowboys for its next season of the training-camp series Hard Knocks. The network had considered documenting the Cincinnati Bengals before deciding viewers would simply think they were watching re-runs of Oz.

A new video clip has surfaced of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis telling Michigan to “go to Hell.” Based on his performance last season we have no doubt that Weis can give them precise directions there.

Former Knicks enforcer Charles Oakley is planning to launch his very own cooking show. The one hour program will feature 55 minutes of meat tenderizing and five minutes of actual cooking.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a brand new videogame being produced by EA Sports. The game is reportedly so realistic that players will need five separate joysticks just to control him.

Dwyane Wade's Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after just two months. The restaurant had difficulty attracting patrons after it was revealed many of the dishes were cooked using the grease from Pat Riley’s hair.

Former 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing his first wife, Kim Moses, and a Texas auction house for selling love letters and memorabilia from his time at the University of Notre Dame. It’s the biggest disgrace in Notre Dame history since, well, last season.

A 78-year-old legally blind man from northwest Iowa has bowled a perfect game. It’s hard to say which is the bigger disability: being blind or being from Iowa.

KFC and the NBA have announced a new promotional partnership that will include activities in 22 countries and territories. Strangely enough, Grease is not one of them.

The Florida Marlins have agreed to a six year, $70 million contract extension with shortstop Hanley Ramirez. The deal is expected to leave the franchise with $21.50 to spend on their remaining 24 players.