You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

David Stern has suspended Gilbert Arenas without pay, saying the Wizards guard is "not currently fit to take the court." Neither is Glen Davis, but the Celtics still let him play.

Gilbert Arenas has accused David Stern of being “mean.” The rest of the NBA has accused Gilbert Arenas of being a horrible trash talker.

Roberto Alomar came within ten votes of being elected into the Hall of Fame. It must be frustrating knowing he was within spitting distance.

The Washington Nationals have signed reliever Matt Capps. The club can barely wait to misspell his name on the backs of thousands of jerseys.

Matt Holliday has agreed to a seven-year, $120 million deal with the Cardinals. That’s not bad for a man who’s best remembered for trying to catch a fly ball with his nuts.

The Kansas City Chiefs are reportedly interested in Charlie Weis. It’s nice to know that at least one team no longer checks references.

Domino’s CEO David Brandon has been named the new athletic director at the University of Michigan. Apparently Papa John wasn’t available. Brandon plans to make a number of sweeping changes including replacing the hash marks at Michigan Stadium with Cinnastix.

Jimmie Johnson and his wife are expecting their first child. It’s amazing how much you can get done during a pit stop.

The New York Knicks recently rejected Magic Johnson’s request for free tickets. We’re not sure what’s more shocking: the fact that anyone would say no to Magic, or the fact that he actually wanted to watch the Knicks.

Chad Ochocinco says he recently tested out his injured left knee by having sex. In related news, the Cincinnati Bengals offer the best rehab ever.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. Many of the players have been away from home for so long they can’t even remember what their illegitimate children look like.

Brewers slugger Ryan Bruan has launched his very own clothing line. In related news, Prince Fielder has launched his very own line of tarps.

Jason Giambi says he’s impressed with the candor of his former teammate Alex Rodriguez. We’re impressed that Giambi even knows what candor means.

A surgeon has admitted that Amar’e Stoudemire’s damaged eye may still need some more work. Luckily, it’s nothing compared to the work his defense still needs.

ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. For those of you keeping track, that’s one camera for every viewer at home.

Charlie Weis has announced he will once again handle Notre Dame’s offensive-coordinator duties. That makes sense since his play-calling has been incredibly offensive over the past three years.

Longtime Jazz owner Larry H. Miller has died at the age of 64. Given the fact he lives in Utah we’re guessing the cause of death was boredom.

Doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. It’s hard to say what concerns them more: the fact that his heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or the fact that he could get drafted by the Lions.

Alex Rodriguez has hired the same lawyer who represented Sammy Sosa before congress. It could be worse: he could have hired the same dialect coach.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Wayne Bobbitt was recently dropped from a celebrity boxing card after failing several blood pressure tests. It’s certainly not the first time in his life he’s been unexpectedly cut.

Tony Romo recently took a homeless man to a movie. It’s not as generous as it sounds, though. The movie was High School Musical 3.

Upper Deck playing cards have begun offering strands of Abraham Lincoln’s hair. The company was originally going to offer Bill Clinton’s DNA but he’s been giving that away for free for years.

Syracuse handed Notre Dame its fifth loss of the season. Charlie Weis’ team has been so bad they’re considering changing their name to the Passive Aggressive Irish.

The Florida Marlins have received approval for a new downtown stadium. The proposed structure is expected to have a giant video screen, a retractable roof and seating for all five of the team’s fans.

The White Sox have reached a tentative agreement with 19-year-old Cuban star Dayan Viciedo. The infielder should have no problem passing his physical given the fact he swam all the way from Havana to Key West.

Players on FC Copenhagen are being offered two free adult movies every time they win on the pitch. If nothing else, the films should really help them with their ball handling.

A die hard San Francisco sports fan recently got a huge tattoo of Barry Bonds on his back. Fittingly, the tattoo took five needles to complete.

Texas Tech defeated East Central by a lopsided score of 167-115. The last time the Red Raiders were involved in a beating that profound it involved Bobby Knight and a belt.

A new cable Ski Channel is scheduled to launch on Christmas Day. It should all be downhill from there.

Lab technicians from the World Anti-Doping Agency are currently testing Viagra for its use as a performance-enhancing drug. You’d definitely want to knock twice before you entered that lab.

Subway has agreed to a long-term partnership with Michael Phelps to promote their 12 foot long party subs. Or as Phelps calls them, breakfast.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Qualifying and practice at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway were cancelled for the day due to rainfall. On the positive side, the heavy precipitation gave thousands of rednecks their first shower in nearly a month.

Heisman winner Tim Tebow is currently spending time in an impoverished village in the Philippines helping to circumcise impoverished children. The missionary trip should pay major dividends next season when Tebow finds himself surrounded by dickheads.

HBO has picked the Cowboys for its next season of the training-camp series Hard Knocks. The network had considered documenting the Cincinnati Bengals before deciding viewers would simply think they were watching re-runs of Oz.

A new video clip has surfaced of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis telling Michigan to “go to Hell.” Based on his performance last season we have no doubt that Weis can give them precise directions there.

Former Knicks enforcer Charles Oakley is planning to launch his very own cooking show. The one hour program will feature 55 minutes of meat tenderizing and five minutes of actual cooking.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a brand new videogame being produced by EA Sports. The game is reportedly so realistic that players will need five separate joysticks just to control him.

Dwyane Wade's Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after just two months. The restaurant had difficulty attracting patrons after it was revealed many of the dishes were cooked using the grease from Pat Riley’s hair.

Former 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing his first wife, Kim Moses, and a Texas auction house for selling love letters and memorabilia from his time at the University of Notre Dame. It’s the biggest disgrace in Notre Dame history since, well, last season.

A 78-year-old legally blind man from northwest Iowa has bowled a perfect game. It’s hard to say which is the bigger disability: being blind or being from Iowa.

KFC and the NBA have announced a new promotional partnership that will include activities in 22 countries and territories. Strangely enough, Grease is not one of them.

The Florida Marlins have agreed to a six year, $70 million contract extension with shortstop Hanley Ramirez. The deal is expected to leave the franchise with $21.50 to spend on their remaining 24 players.

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Jalen Rose is honoring his Fab Five basketball teammates at Michigan with a billboard near where he grew up. Fittingly, the billboard is just as two-dimensional as he is.

Sunday’s Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam camera began falling toward the field. Sports fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since the Mets.

NBA commissioner David Stern insists he hasn't ruled out punishing the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual-harassment suit. Isn’t letting Isiah Thomas keep his job punishment enough?

Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. Finally, an NBA player who can actually shoot straight.

USC quarterback John David Booty said he hopes to play this weekend against rival Notre Dame. No surprise there. Even Charlie Weis would like to play against Notre Dame right now if he could.

Kobe Bryant sat out practice for the second straight day because of a sore right knee. Surprisingly his right foot appears to be fine despite the fact that it’s spent most of the preseason lodged firmly in his mouth.

Lions receiver Roy Williams spent the day delivering pizzas as part of a special promotion for Pizza Hut. The nationwide chain originally tried using Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna but all of his pizzas kept on getting intercepted.