Monday, March 23, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.

Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.

Charles Barkley believes the NBA will soon face labor trouble. And if there’s one thing Charles Barkley knows about, it’s being in trouble.

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey has made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. Why stop there? He could probably also beat George W. Bush in an IQ test.

Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Reading it, not writing it.

Kimbo Slice has announced he plans to take up boxing, calling it his “first desire.” Oddly enough, our first desire is to see Kimbo Slice hit so hard that he has to fart through his mouth.

The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. Well, you have to start somewhere.

The Detroit Lions plan to retire the number 93 in memory of missing player Corey Smith. The Lions are still unsure how they will honor their missing defense, offense and special teams.

A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. Sadly, she wasn’t offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.

Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. The only thing more amusing than reading his updates is imagining how a man with hands the size of a small child can somehow type on a Blackberry.

A 62-year-old Florida woman named Unni Haskell recently recorded a hole-in-one on the first swing she ever took on a golf course. That commotion you hear is the sound of golfers everywhere throwing their clubs in the trash.

Arizona State guard James Harden is still undecided on the NBA. That’s quite a coincidence since the NBA is still undecided on James Harden.

Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup, and given his girth, he should be able to backup seven positions at once.