You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.

Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.

Charles Barkley believes the NBA will soon face labor trouble. And if there’s one thing Charles Barkley knows about, it’s being in trouble.

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey has made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. Why stop there? He could probably also beat George W. Bush in an IQ test.

Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Reading it, not writing it.

Kimbo Slice has announced he plans to take up boxing, calling it his “first desire.” Oddly enough, our first desire is to see Kimbo Slice hit so hard that he has to fart through his mouth.

The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. Well, you have to start somewhere.

The Detroit Lions plan to retire the number 93 in memory of missing player Corey Smith. The Lions are still unsure how they will honor their missing defense, offense and special teams.

A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. Sadly, she wasn’t offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.

Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. The only thing more amusing than reading his updates is imagining how a man with hands the size of a small child can somehow type on a Blackberry.

A 62-year-old Florida woman named Unni Haskell recently recorded a hole-in-one on the first swing she ever took on a golf course. That commotion you hear is the sound of golfers everywhere throwing their clubs in the trash.

Arizona State guard James Harden is still undecided on the NBA. That’s quite a coincidence since the NBA is still undecided on James Harden.

Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup, and given his girth, he should be able to backup seven positions at once.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Kate Hudson has been spotted on dates with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and PGA golfer Adam Scott during the past week. It’s nice to see that someone is picking up Alyssa Milano’s slack.

The Lions have reached out to Dolphins assistant coach Todd Bowles regarding their coaching vacancy. The news comes as a surprise to many insiders who thought the team would already be onto the “C” section of the phonebook by now.

Knicks center Eddy Curry has been accused of trying to solicit gay sex from his driver. It’s a surprising accusation for a player who’s never shown much interest in sticking to his man.

Ricky Henderson has been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In related news, more than a dozen of the museum’s artifacts have already been stolen.

Dallas Cowboys linebacker Anthony Spencer was arrested for making a disturbance outside a downtown Indianapolis nightclub. On the positive side, it sounds like Pacman Jones has found himself a brand new wingman.

The Detroit Tigers have signed Taiwanese pitcher Fu-Te Ni to a multimillion dollar contract. It’s believed to be the most money ever spent on a product made in Taiwan.

China has announced plans for a National Fitness Day on August 8th. The government will commemorate the day by encouraging workers to engage in a strenuous physical activity during their two minute lunch breaks… whether they want to or not.

The Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The black and white design will feature a dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. It’s certainly a more feasible plan than his previous idea of giving polio to the league’s other 29 teams.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Andruw Jones. However, the team intends to still pay tribute to the rotund slugger by using his jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Talking Points - Feeling Chipper

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I’ll examine Chipper Jones’ torrid hitting streak, Andruw Jones’ downward spiral and the surprising rebirth of the NHL. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Dodgers have placed center fielder Andruw Jones on the 15-day disabled list because of an injured right knee. The timing is especially unfortunate since Jones had finally gotten fat enough to patrol the entire outfield without actually moving.

Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester has revealed that his father has cancer, and unfortunately for the Lester family, it’s not the kind of cancer that helps you throw no-hitters.

Red Wings forward Johan Franzen has been cleared by doctors to play in Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. The news comes as a surprise to many observers who didn’t realize that the NHL lockout was finally over.

Former Mets and Red Sox pitcher Geremi Gonzalez was killed after being hit by lightning. We always suspected God was a Yankees fan.

Derek Jeter was forced out of a game against the Baltimore Orioles after being hit on the hand by a pitch. X-rays were negative, just like everything else about the Yankees.

The Chicago Bulls defied the odds by winning the NBA draft lottery despite having just a 1.7 percent chance of landing the top choice. Incidentally, that’s also the same chance the New York Knicks now have of reaching the playoffs.

Mike Piazza has decided to retire from baseball after discussing his options with his wife, his family and his agent. No word yet on what his boyfriend had to say.

Jason Taylor is planning to boycott the Miami Dolphins’ training camp. The defensive end intends to stay away for as long as it takes until the team agrees to incorporate more ruffles in their uniforms.

Major League Baseball may experiment with instant replay during the Arizona Fall League. In related news, Major League Baseball may experiment with instant replay during the Arizona Fall League.

Reports have surfaced that Kobe Bryant is having an affair with former Lakers Girl Vanessa Curry. The news is hardly surprising. After all, if Bruce Bowen can’t stop him from scoring, what chance does Kobe’s wife have?

An Atlanta Braves fan has serious head injuries after falling from the stands at Turner Field. The man fell so quickly and dramatically that many people mistook him for the Mets.