Monday, July 27, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs have signed Theo Ratliff. The singing fulfills the team’s annual obligation of having at least one player older than dust.

Gary Sheffield is headed to the DL. Things have gotten so dire for the Mets that their mascot is now hitting cleanup.

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. In many ways it’s just like Alex Rodriguez but with considerably more depth.

A toy company plans to release a figurine of ESPN sports newscaster Erin Andrews. The news is being celebrated around the country by men who desperately want to see her naked but can’t afford an Internet connection.

Lance Armstrong finished in third place at the Tour De France. It’s just as well. No one really looks good in yellow anyhow.

The Chicago Cubs have moved into first place atop the NL Central. In related news, Hell is expected to freeze over at 4:35 this afternoon.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Or in Vick’s case, a dead dog.

Shaquille O'Neal’s wife was involved in a minor fender bender. Something tells us she’s experienced much worse in the bedroom.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won’t be them.

Roger Federer has become the father of twins. The two girls are expected to crack the world doubles rankings within a week.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The long layoff could be a blessing as Windscheffel is expected to be skittish around referees for at least 12 months.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He got the idea after watching John Daly eat in all of them earlier that morning.

Swin Cash set a new WNBA record by scoring 22 points at the league’s All-Star game. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one point for everyone who actually watched the game.