You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Chicago Cubs have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The last time they were active this late in the post season was 1908.

Delonte West plans to travel with the Cavaliers to Texas for their next two games. In fact, he’s already called shotgun.

Rush Limbaugh is no longer involved in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. Limbaugh lost interest when he discovered he’d be referred to as a “minority” owner.

Erin Andrews is back doing interviews again. We liked her a lot more when she was obscene and not heard.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife Jamie have separated. Now comes the hard part: deciding who gets custody of Manny Ramirez.

Free agent forward Josh Childress reportedly came close to signing with the Cavaliers. That was before he discovered they played all their home games in Cleveland.

A 1,000 lb. chainsaw carving of former Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas is missing one day after it was unveiled. It’s never a good sign when a statue has more mobility than half the players in your backfield.

Tim Tebow is still undergoing a battery of post-concussion evaluations including computer tests, reaction tests, eye-focusing tests, balancing tests and motion-sickness tests. Fortunately it’s the University of Florida, so he’s getting a credit for each one.

The NBA has fined Gilbert Arenas $25,000 for skipping a media session. It wasn’t long ago the league would have gladly paid HIM $25,000 just to shut up.

Brady Quinn has put his house up for sale. Unfortunately for him, Cleveland’s real estate market is almost as inactive as the Brown’s offense.

A Texas meatpacking company has come up with a new line of Vince Young Hot Links. The sausages look great in the package but ultimately wither up under intense heat.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs have signed Theo Ratliff. The singing fulfills the team’s annual obligation of having at least one player older than dust.

Gary Sheffield is headed to the DL. Things have gotten so dire for the Mets that their mascot is now hitting cleanup.

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. In many ways it’s just like Alex Rodriguez but with considerably more depth.

A toy company plans to release a figurine of ESPN sports newscaster Erin Andrews. The news is being celebrated around the country by men who desperately want to see her naked but can’t afford an Internet connection.

Lance Armstrong finished in third place at the Tour De France. It’s just as well. No one really looks good in yellow anyhow.

The Chicago Cubs have moved into first place atop the NL Central. In related news, Hell is expected to freeze over at 4:35 this afternoon.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Or in Vick’s case, a dead dog.

Shaquille O'Neal’s wife was involved in a minor fender bender. Something tells us she’s experienced much worse in the bedroom.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won’t be them.

Roger Federer has become the father of twins. The two girls are expected to crack the world doubles rankings within a week.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The long layoff could be a blessing as Windscheffel is expected to be skittish around referees for at least 12 months.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He got the idea after watching John Daly eat in all of them earlier that morning.

Swin Cash set a new WNBA record by scoring 22 points at the league’s All-Star game. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one point for everyone who actually watched the game.