You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez reportedly told a ten-year-old boy to “beat it” when the young fan approached him for an autograph at a Baltimore Hooters. Oddly enough A-Rod also said the exact same thing to his chesty waitress minutes later.

Noted horseplayer Joe Torre has gone on recording stating that Big Brown will win at Belmont. If Torre is so good at picking winners why did he agree to manage the Dodgers?

The San Francisco 49ers have waived free agent Ezra Butler after police found a small amount of marijuana in his car. It’s one of the few times in law enforcement history that the Butler actually did it.

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Mike Williams has lost an impressive 30 pounds during the off season. Unfortunately for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Andruw Jones seems to have found it.

James Blake was ousted in the second round of the French Open by 19-year-old Latvian phenom Ernests Gulbis. An athlete hasn’t had this much trouble with a teenager since Roger Clemens.

Sammy Sosa says he may retire after next year's World Baseball Classic. It’s nice to hear he’s finally going to put a cork in it.

A blind wrestler has qualified for the Maryland high school state championships. Whether he finds his way there is another matter altogether.

Manny Ramirez hit his 500th homerun in a 6-3 victory against the Orioles. The Red Sox outfielder is now a lock to become the first man inducted into both the Baseball and Rastafarian Hall of Fames.

Randy Johnson has tied Roger Clemens for second place on the career strikeout list with his 4,672nd K. However, the Rocket still has a chance to regain the lead if he strikes out with the jury at his upcoming trial.

Members of the New York Giants have finally received their $25,000 Super Bowl rings from Tiffany and Co. The rings are so stunning that Kobe Bryant is considering buying three of them for future transgressions.

Experts in the field of concussion management claim the Mets have put Ryan Church at significant medical risk by having him play through dizziness, lethargy and headaches. The team has dismissed the charges since those are the exact same conditions that Willie Randolph manages under.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University at Buffalo’s top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely by the school for posting an ad on the Internet offering to pay someone to write a course paper. Come on, he’s an athlete; shouldn’t people be writing his papers for free?

Notre Dame is considering shedding its independent status and joining the Big Ten. It would be a huge move for the school given that the only organization they looked fit to join last year was Pop Warner.

Alex Rodriguez is going on the 15-day disabled list with a strained right quadriceps. If you think that sounds bad you should hear his new nickname: A-Quad. The injury has been classified as a Grade 2 strain, which automatically makes his quad better educated than half of his teammates.

Scranton Penguins captain Neal Smith was caught running naked through town. The veteran player has since been charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and high sticking.

Nearly 500 men age 40 and older lined up for a free prostate cancer screening Tuesday at a mobile clinic at Milwaukee’s Miller Park. It just goes to show you that being a Brewers fan can be a major pain in the butt.

Barack Obama scrimmaged with the University of North Carolina basketball team earlier this week. Players had no problem guarding the Democratic senator since he always went to his left.

President George Bush honored the New York Giants recently during a ceremony at the White House. By all accounts it was a joyous gathering of 50 guys who wear helmets and one who probably should.

Barry Zito has been demoted to the bullpen by the San Francisco Giants. The team knew he was in trouble when his ERA started getting larger than Barry Bonds’ hat size.

Byron Scott has been named the NBA’s coach of the year, or as Mike D’Antoni and Avery Johnson call it, The Most Likely to Be Canned in Two Seasons Award.

A seven-foot-tall bronze statue of Oscar De La Hoya will join similar tributes to Los Angeles sports stars Magic Johnson and Wayne Gretzky at Staples Center. De La Hoya’s statue will be especially easy to identify since it will be the only one dressed in women’s lingerie.