You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that’s still 0.06 percent higher than Washington’s winning percentage.

Mike Tyson has admitted to wanting to kill Brad Pitt back in the early 1990s because he was dating Tyson's ex Robin Givens. Come on, we’re talking about Robin Givens here; after two weeks Brad Pitt probably wanted to kill himself.

NASCAR star Jimmie Johnson has admitted he doesn’t know how to use Twitter. Then again, he also didn’t know “Jimmy” is supposed to be spelled with a “y” until last week.

Los Angeles Sparks star Candace Parker has given birth to a baby girl. In related news, the WNBA’s fan base has just doubled.

Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.

Jose Canseco has agreed to fight a Gambino in a three-round boxing match on June 27. It could be the first time in boxing history where both competitors are declared losers.

USC basketball coach Tim Floyd reportedly paid $1,000 to sign O.J. Mayo. We’re not sure what’s more disconcerting: Floyd’s illegal recruiting tactics or Mayo’s abysmal sense of self worth.

Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn’t eat him.

Charles Barkley believes that Jason Kidd should retire. That’s quite a coincidence since EVERYONE thinks that Charles Barkley should retire.

A streaker who disrupted a New York Mets game by jumping onto Citi Field naked except for a stuffed monkey tied around his waist has been charged with trespassing. No word yet on whether officials will also charge the monkey with being an accessory.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A-Rod’s wife has filed for a divorce, claiming that Rodriguez has "abandoned” her. Now she knows how the Yankees feel every September.

The San Antonio Spurs have asked Manu Ginobili to not play in this summer’s Olympics. Coincidentally, so has the U.S. team.

The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds’ head must be swelling with pride… or steroids, one or the other.

John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by hitting a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there’s one thing Daly knows how to do, it’s drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.

Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried today at Sanford Stadium after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don’t collapse until much later in the season.

Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea… if you speak Spanish.

U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year’s Olympians are not going to Beijing “to sell shoes.” Indeed, they’re going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.

George W. Bush has announced he will attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing. The President should be right at home in the city since he’s used to being in a constant haze.

Rotund Celtics forward Glen “Big Baby” Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas... all the way from Florida.

The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. The Georgetown product was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.

Good news and bad news for Notre Dame football boosters. The good news is coach Charlie Weis is privately projecting anywhere from nine to 12 victories for his team this year. The bas news is he’s also projecting a 100-game schedule.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released a fan code of conduct stating that standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans is not allowed at Arrowhead Stadium. Luckily that shouldn’t be a problem since the Chiefs rarely gives their fans any reason to stand up and cheer.