Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Terrell Owens, Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, NASCAR, the World Baseball Classic and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

Question of the Week

Patrick, Augusta, ME
Subj: Two-timing Tom
Hey Ryan, I heard a broadcaster say that Tom Brady was a two-sport star back in high school. What was his other sport?

Brady was an outstanding catcher on the baseball team at Junipero Serra High, an all-boys school in San Mateo, California, that also counts Barry Bonds, Lynn Swann, Gregg Jeffries and Jim Fregosi among its famous alumni. In fact, scouts were so impressed with Brady’s rocket of an arm that the Montreal Expos took a flyer and drafted him in the 18th round of the 1995 Major League draft. Luckily for Patriots fans, Brady decided to pass on the offer and he accepted a football scholarship to Michigan instead, where he led the Wolverines to two Bowl appearances and never once lost to Appalachian State.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez was recently spotted going into Madonna's Central Park West highrise. It's October, though, so we're assuming he probably struck out.

Barry Bonds made a rare public appearance in San Francisco recently and said he is enjoying life away from baseball. That’s quite a coincidence since baseball is really enjoying life away from Barry Bonds.

A judge has moved Travis Henry’s cocaine-trafficking trial to Montana. It’s believed to be the first time the words “Montana” and “Traffic” have been used in the same sentence.

American gymnast Alicia Sacramone has said that having an Olympic medal is “like getting a get out of jail free card." Somehow we think Marion Jones might disagree.

The New Orleans Saints have decided to feature a picture of a blown facemask call on the front page of their website. It’s uncertain whether the image will attract any attention since the Internet is already full of pictures of things getting blown.

Stephon Marbury has said that he would be happy to come off the bench. It’s a surprising declaration considering the only thing worse than not starting for the Knicks is actually having to watch them play.

Michael Phelps was formally welcomed home to Baltimore with a massive parade. The procession was scheduled to last three hours but Phelps finished it in just 1 minute and 37 seconds.

Red Sox DH David Ortiz is currently auctioning his bed for charity. It’s the perfect item for someone who likes to score up to 100 times a year.

New York reliever Ambiorix Burgos has turned himself in following a hit-and-run accident. Police were amazed at how easily he gave up until they remembered he pitched for the Mets.

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael, is looking to take someone on in the ring for $5,000. And based on her career prospects, it might just be Lindsay.

Jaguars receiver Matt Jones will have his cocaine charge heard in drug court rather than the regular criminal system. As everyone knows, drug court is a lot faster since it has fewer lines.

Question of the Week

Leslie, Vancouver, B.C.
Subj: Barry Bonds
I would love to see these so called superstars play under the same conditions that Hank Aaron played. Let’s see what they can do without science behind them.... not only performance-enhancing drugs but the type of equipment they played with.

You have a point, Leslie. In addition to playing with inferior equipment, Hank Aaron and his peers had to contend with grueling double headers, long bus rides and training tables that often featured little more than a package of salami and a loaf of Wonder Bread. Hall of Famer Cap Anson is one of many old timers to share your sentiment that the game has declined. "Baseball was a man's game in my day," he once lamented. "I'd like to see what today's boys would do against the likes of (Old Hoss) Radbourn, (Pud) Galvin, (Tim) Keefe and (John) Clarkson." I certainly share his sense of nostalgia for a time when baseball was a purer pursuit.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A-Rod’s wife has filed for a divorce, claiming that Rodriguez has "abandoned” her. Now she knows how the Yankees feel every September.

The San Antonio Spurs have asked Manu Ginobili to not play in this summer’s Olympics. Coincidentally, so has the U.S. team.

The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds’ head must be swelling with pride… or steroids, one or the other.

John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by hitting a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there’s one thing Daly knows how to do, it’s drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.

Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried today at Sanford Stadium after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don’t collapse until much later in the season.

Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea… if you speak Spanish.

U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year’s Olympians are not going to Beijing “to sell shoes.” Indeed, they’re going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.

George W. Bush has announced he will attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing. The President should be right at home in the city since he’s used to being in a constant haze.

Rotund Celtics forward Glen “Big Baby” Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas... all the way from Florida.

The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. The Georgetown product was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.

Good news and bad news for Notre Dame football boosters. The good news is coach Charlie Weis is privately projecting anywhere from nine to 12 victories for his team this year. The bas news is he’s also projecting a 100-game schedule.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released a fan code of conduct stating that standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans is not allowed at Arrowhead Stadium. Luckily that shouldn’t be a problem since the Chiefs rarely gives their fans any reason to stand up and cheer.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson were spotted having a ball a Dolce & Gabbana party in Cannes. Just one ball, mind you, but it was a ball nonetheless.

The NBA has confirmed that Michael Beasley is 6-8 and not 6-10 as he previously claimed. The Kansas State forward has blamed his loss of two inches on a recent circumcision.

A New England man has been found guilty of impersonating a Seattle SuperSonics front office executive. Authorities first became suspicious since not even the team’s real employees are willing to admit they work for the Sonics.

Actress Nikki Ziering has signed on to participate in Hulk Hogan's new reality show, Celebrity Championship Wrestling. It should be a natural fit for her since she’s used to spending long periods of time on her back with her legs in the air.

The IOC has suspended Iraq's national Olympic committee thereby leaving Iraqi athletes in danger of missing the Beijing Games. Ironically the committee was one of the few groups in the country that actually had an exit strategy for getting out of Iraq.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to pay a local radio station $2,000 per broadcast next season. No word yet on how much the team will have to pay fans to actually listen.

North Carolina point guard Ty Lawson has been charged with driving under the influence. Authorities first suspected Lawson was drunk when they spotted a fat chick sitting in his back seat.

Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick and California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger are making a friendly wager on the outcome of the NBA finals. If the Celtics win, Schwarzenegger has promised to donate Californian food and beverages to a charity of Patrick's choice. And if the Lakers win Patrick must sit through all of Kindergarten Cop.

Shaquille O’Neal showed up to the Belmont Stakes dressed like a jockey. The Big Aristotle’s outfit was so realistic that it reportedly caused three horses to faint.

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to 15 counts of lying to federal investigators about steroids. The plea would have been even more convincing if Bonds’ pants hadn’t caught on fire half way through.

Country singer Mindy McCready recently took part in the World Series of Poker. It’s the first time in weeks we’ve been able to say the words “McCready” and “poker” without mentioning Roger Clemens.

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was spotted canoodling with his girlfriend Linda Holliday at a romantic restaurant in Boston. We’re not sure what happened after that but something tells us Belichick probably has it on tape.

Randy Johnson has passed Roger Clemens on the career strikeout list by notching his 4,673rd K. It’s quite an accomplishment for a man who looks like he should be operating carnival rides in Oklahoma.

Talking Points: Danica Drives to Victory

Welcome to Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column I’ll examine Barry Bonds’ availability, Danica Patrick’s sudden legitimacy and Isiah Thomas’ latest demotion. Read all about it here.

Ask Ryan - Welcome To The Block

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Barry Bonds and unemployment. This week’s mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Bill Buckner’s return to Boston, the NBA’s best “little big men” and the worst major league all-stars of all time. Read all about it here.

Ask Ryan - Let The Madness Begin

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like heartbreak and ice cream. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Kurt Russell's baseball career, the origins of March Madness and the greatest college ballers of all time. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Major League Baseball Players' Association plans to investigate why Barry Bonds remains unsigned. Bonds' agent, Jeff Borris has said it would take his client just two weeks to get ready: one week to regain his timing at the plate and one week to find a hat that actually fits.

Dodgers pitcher Chan Ho Park is still angry that Chinese security forces refused to let him sign autographs for a group of fans in Beijing. The news has come as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize that Park actually had any fans.

The NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay. In related news, the NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay.

France's foreign minister has backtracked from comments suggesting he is open to a boycott of the Beijing Olympics' opening ceremonies. Wow, a Frenchman backing down from confrontation. What were the odds?

The Miami Heat hit a new low by losing to the Toronto Raptors 96-54. The loss represents the third-lowest point total in the shot-clock era and the lowest since the game was played by men named Nat, Jellybean and Dutch.

A new poll has found that more New Yorkers are fans of the Red Sox then they are of the Knicks. It’s hardly surprising considering that the Red Sox are clearly the better basketball team.

Texas shortstop Michael Young had his house egged by his teammates as part of a Spring Training prank. Although Young isn’t certain who was responsible, he has ruled out the Rangers pitching staff since the eggs actually hit their mark.

Pacers forward Mike Dunleavy recently told reporters that his father is his biggest fan. Something tells me there wasn’t a lot of competition for the position.

Personal trainer Brian McNamee fainted while driving and crashed his car head-on into a city bus. Oddly enough, the incident was considerably more painless than having to deal with Roger Clemens.

The WWE has suspended wrestler Afa Anoai for violating their drug and steroid policy. Evidentially he forgot to take them.

Former Yankees third baseman Graig Nettles will undergo prostate surgery early next month. Fortunately for Nettles, the procedure won’t be nearly as a big of a pain in the butt as playing for George Steinbrenner.

New York Giants' season ticket holders will have to pay $7 more per ticket to watch the Super Bowl champions next season. Fans who can’t afford the pay increase can simply borrow Bill Belichick’s tapes of the games.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chicago pitcher Ryan Dempster has predicted the Cubs will win the World Series. Upon hearing his statement Major League Baseball immediately made him pee into a cup.

LeBron James has signed a sponsorship agreement with State Farm insurance. It’s an appropriate choice for a guy who gets hit every time he drives.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to deal injured point guard Stephon Marbury. Sadly, the only person foolish enough to trade for him is in fact Isiah Thomas.

Three gamblers were ejected from the stands of a women's tennis event in Antwerp because they were wagering on their laptops. What a shame. Someone finally found a way of making tennis interesting and they got tossed out for doing it.

Veteran punter Jeff Feagles has signed a two-year contract with the New York Giants. The length of the contract is unusual for a man who’s so old that his social security number is 1.

A new report suggests that Barry Bonds may have lied to Federal prosecutors. In related news authorities are now also beginning to suspect that there is no Tooth Fairy and that most mall Santas are actually just fat guys in red suits.

Beijing will close 153 gas stations and oil depots during this summer's Olympics to meet concerns over air pollution. The move is so drastic that if visitors want to get gas they’ll have to do it the old fashioned way by eating beans.

The Houston Rockets plan to unveil a monument honoring former star Hakeem Olajuwon on April 11. The statue is expected to be twice as mobile as Shaquille O’Neal.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The New York Knicks received some good news and some bad news this week regarding combustible point guard Stephon Marbury. The good news is that Marbury is back with the team. The bad news is that Marbury is back with the team.

The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Baring that, they’ll simply see if John Daly is available.

Dick Pound has announced he’s stepping down as president of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although a replacement has yet to be found the organization is currently leaning towards either Lance Cox or Lexington Boner.

New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was recently criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket in a game against the Clippers. We’re not sure what’s more shameful: the fact that he has no objectivity or the fact that he’s a Knicks fan.

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to the outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract. Although it may sound expensive, the Yankees were willing to do anything to avoid dealing with Scott Boras for a full decade.

Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice and is scheduled to appear in court on December 7th. Now comes the fun part: seeing if his head can actually fit into a mug shot.

The Boston Red Sox have announced that ticket prices at Fenway Park will jump 9 percent next season. Unfortunately the ticket increase isn’t steep enough to prevent Ben Affleck from still attending games.

The NFL has sent the Jaguars a memo reminding them their team mascot Jaxson de Ville isn't supposed to be in the 6-foot white border surrounding the field. The memo officially squashes the team’s plans of using the giant plushy jaguar on third and long situations.

Hall of Fame pitchers Jim Palmer and Dennis Eckersley were spotted dining at a ritzy restaurant in North Palm Beach. The pair shared a 12-ounce sirloin steak, which Palmer began and Eckersley finished.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder was spotted with five security guards before a recent home game. You know you’re in for a long season when your owner receives better protection than your quarterback.

Former NFL coach Denny Green recently had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in Rome. It’s fitting that the two men finally got to meet since they’ve spent most of their careers surrounded by cardinals.

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former NHL All-Star Jeremy Roenick announced his retirement recently through a text message. The news came as shock to many observers who didn’t realize Roenick could actually write.

The health of New York owner George Steinbrenner is believed to be declining rapidly. Then again, you’d probably feel ill too if you had to watch the Yankees every day.

Amare Stoudemire's half brother has been identified in connection with the shooting death of a 27-year-old man in Scottsdale. It’s nice to see that high percentage shooting runs in the family.

Washington Nationals Pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. I guess that’s what happens when you have your butt kicked all season.

Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak in person after making disparaging comments about the team. It was believed to be an excellent face-to-two-faced meeting.

Grant Hill has signed a two year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in physiotherapy expenses.

Olympic leaders have voted to create a Youth Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. The program was approved unanimously by pedophiles around the world.

Major League baseball has confirmed that at least one armed FBI agent will attend each one of Barry Bonds’ games until he breaks Hank Aaron’s homerun record. It’s believed to be the best protection Bonds has had in the order since the Giants got rid of Jeff Kent.

NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It’s nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience.

Ask Ryan - Fresh out of the Oven

Hi Gang,
Its time for another edition of Ask Ryan, the sports column where the day's top stories are poked, skewered and cooked at 350 for 20-to-25 minutes. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the whereabouts of Ron Cey, the legitimacy of Barry Bonds' home run chase and ways to improve the WNBA. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/6993360