You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Actress Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon on Sunday in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. She likely could have posted a better time if Tom Cruise hadn’t forced her to hand out scientology pamphlets along the way.

Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, provided a team offers him a contract for at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.

Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna dressed up as a naked man for a teammate's Halloween party last week. It was an appropriate choice since he’s been exposing his shortcomings all season long.

The last ball from Boston's 2007 World Series victory has mysteriously gone missing. Sources close to Doug Mientkiewicz report that the veteran first baseman is already working on his alibi.

Boston knuckleballer Tim Wakefield expects to undergo an arthrogram on his right shoulder this week. On the positive side, Wakefield is probably the only pitcher in the league who could be confined to an iron lung and still make 35 starts.

Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. The force of the crash was reportedly so severe that Odom is now convinced the Lakers have a shot at the championship.

NBA commissioner David Stern has said that the Knicks are "not a model of intelligent management." Isn’t that a little bit like saying “Michael Jackson is not a good babysitter”?

San Francisco 49ers kicker Joe Nedney has been fined $7,500 for giving the finger to a group of fans in New Orleans. You have to love a city where flashing your breasts will get you a handful of beads but flipping the bird will get you a massive fine.

A judge who sentenced Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid's sons to jail likened the coach's home to "a drug emporium." In related news, former runningback Ricky Williams has asked if he can come over for the weekend.

Lakers owner Jerry Buss has been suspended two games and fined $25,000 by the NBA for his drunk driving charge. In his defense, paying Vladimir Radmanovic $5 million a season would drive anyone to drink.

Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. That certainly explains how John Daly managed to win the 1991 PGA Championship.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi has revealed that he will wear No. 27. The number has special significance since it represents the number of players on his roster who will be making more money than he is.

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Jalen Rose is honoring his Fab Five basketball teammates at Michigan with a billboard near where he grew up. Fittingly, the billboard is just as two-dimensional as he is.

Sunday’s Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam camera began falling toward the field. Sports fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since the Mets.

NBA commissioner David Stern insists he hasn't ruled out punishing the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual-harassment suit. Isn’t letting Isiah Thomas keep his job punishment enough?

Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. Finally, an NBA player who can actually shoot straight.

USC quarterback John David Booty said he hopes to play this weekend against rival Notre Dame. No surprise there. Even Charlie Weis would like to play against Notre Dame right now if he could.

Kobe Bryant sat out practice for the second straight day because of a sore right knee. Surprisingly his right foot appears to be fine despite the fact that it’s spent most of the preseason lodged firmly in his mouth.

Lions receiver Roy Williams spent the day delivering pizzas as part of a special promotion for Pizza Hut. The nationwide chain originally tried using Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna but all of his pizzas kept on getting intercepted.